The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

Einstein's Wife:

Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 131 if he were alive today.

Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA Connection.

This came to be known as....



Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty."

The Tax System Explained In Beer


Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7..
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.
 So, that's what they decided to do..
 The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball.
 "Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20". Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.
 The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.
 So the first four men were unaffected.
 They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men?
 The paying customers?
 How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?
 They realised that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.
 So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.
 And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).   
 The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).
 The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
 The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
 The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
 The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).
 Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings.
 "I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving," declared the sixth man.
 He pointed to the tenth man,"but he got $10!"
 "Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a dollar too. It's unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!"
 "That's true!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!"
 "Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison, "we didn't get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!"
 The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.
 The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!
And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works.

The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction.
Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.
David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

If this doesn't make you angry...then nothing will!
Dammit this is going too far!!!
This shot shows the serious damage caused to the wildlife by the recent BP blowout ...
I feel it is my duty right now to go down to the coast and help clean the wildlife with my own two hands.
Where do I sign up?

Useful Fact;
A 2009 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.
Bloody good value that!

The Electric Fence:

We have the standard 1.8 metre fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 40 kilometres of fence. I then used a 3 metre long ground rod, and drove it 2.5 metres into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo K.Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my manhood trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied different times in less than half a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and...BAM! BAM! BAM! You just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevvy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences......but Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by International or whoever, that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 3 metre long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

"Damn!", I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest, I think "Oh God please die......Pleeeeaze die". But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of January, 39 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire.....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realised a few things:

1 Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3 Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4 My left eye will not open.
5 My right eye will not close.
6 The lawnmower runs like a sonuvabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualise what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Definitely Positive Thinking:

Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,

"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.

By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.

By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.

I'm gonna be sixty next week and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."

“So”, says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

“Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get.”

Thanks Syd!

I know you talk from experience

I hope everyone chuckles at my first joke post

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing

into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death,

when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.

Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, and there in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of

cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert

don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage

that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within five metres, Pepe crawling

close behind, when suddenly a machine gun

opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees


Ees a ham bush..."



SO SORRY I know there is something wrong with me for sending you this.

Just couldn't help it!
The little voices made me do it !!!

And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you -

I know you did!

Perhaps a Repost, but a good one at that:

In a Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA , PP20 and a red one labelled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? ;
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.."

MEN NEVER LISTEN!!

Bath Night In Aberdeen:

A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.. So the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair, and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said, "Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.."

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, "Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed off her hairy one.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

A Cow's Tail:

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'

Thanks Syd

Pray For Leroy:


A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.




After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

I almost died when I read that one!!!!!


(I thought you said that you would never post that photo of me though? )

How To Install A Home Security System:

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

"Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour.
Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and
messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell
from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter�

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in
agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately
began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the
man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the feotal position,
still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

Deer Camp:


Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site
only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and
dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightee. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said,
"Do whatever you want."


So, Here I am.

A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were
faithful o him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then
later question each one on the other's behavior. When his wife
returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then
casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he
knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every manon the
ship," his wife reported.

The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to
ask her the same questions about his wife.

"She was a real lady," his mistress said.

"How so?" the encouraged man asked.

She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

Quote:

Originally posted by freebird502

Question: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?
Answer: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 ass, 1 beaver, an unknown number of hares, and a fish no one can find!!!

Not to mention a clam and a pussy