Interesting/Funny/Amusing News.

US war on drugs is actually a war now. US Military is now actively engaging in combat against cartel members in Latin America.

Drunk guy turns off power to poultry farm, kills 70,000 chickens. Also pissed himself. Come on bro, you gotta hold your brew a little better than that. A lot better, actually. That's just amazingly terrible.

Sony announces 84" flat panel TV set to ship this year. The resolution is 3840x2160 and it has a built in 5.1 speaker system. So, if you were wondering what to get the Old Lindros here for Christmas, go ahead and put this down on your list, mmkay? Coolsies.

Gangnam Style video is actually a critique of Korea's extreme inequality. I did not know that. <Thrusts hips in an elevator while sining: HEEEEEEY SEXY LADY>

Missing woman joins the search for herself. Odd. Turns out she wasn't really missing in the first place. Just changed clothes.

Donna and Dylan from Beverly Hills 90210's original run get together for real! They were always the best for each other, I thought. Now Brandon and valerie have to get together in real life (even though Tiffany Amber Thiessen got kind of chunky and Brandon never struck me as a chubby chaser) and Steve needs to get together with...well, I don't know. He was always kind of a loser.

Masterpiece of art restored by a blind guy. Okay, the guy isn't blind, but seriously, you have to check out the picture of the restored picture of Jesus. It starts out looking like a worn painting of JC, but then, well, the final version looks like some kind of 4Chan photoshop smear. It's actually pretty hilarious that they tried to claim that was a good restoration.

Texas Mayor killed by his donkey. No words.

15 Yr Old Javelin tosser kills judge. Being speared by a javelin in front of a crowd seems like a shitty way to go.

British spyware popping up on mobile devices around the world. Mostly in repressive regimes, although I suppose what constitutes "repressive" depends upon whether or not you're being harassed by your government.

The Strategic Maple Syrup reserve has been stolen! The HORROR! Way to not secure your strategic resources, Canada.

Quote:

Originally posted by EricLindros

[ Link ] Go fuck yourself whomever you are trying to enforce this assinine policy. Really. You should be ashamed at your lack of humanity and your utter idiocy. Abominable.

That's just fucking infuriating. I'd be suing the fuck out of that administration. I'm against stupid ass lawsuits, but holy fuck.

Quote:

Originally posted by EricLindros

[ Link ] Odd. Turns out she wasn't really missing in the first place. Just changed clothes.

If I laugh, does that make it racist?

I'd fuck Jennie Garth...


Luke Perry looks like shit.

she's like 40 you old lady fucker

Quote:

Originally posted by EricLindros

she's like 40 you old lady fucker

Yeah I know..that was big for me!

Quote:

Originally posted by Honda_X

...

Yeah I know..that was big for me!

Best leave her for EL.

You take the 16-18s (whatever Canada's consent is)
I've got the 18s to 18.5s
Kanzen has the anime.
EL has the grandmas.

That's our thing. Damnit. Don't ruin it.

I believe the age of consent here is 16...but I probably wouldn't screw with a girl under 19.

She'd probably start talking about Justin Beiber and then I'd cum really fast..it'd be a whole thing.

Also, to the whole thing.

Double also, Lindros can also have the overly fit chicks.

Kanzen can also have giant tittied MILFS.

You can has the Emma Watsons.

Ohmahgerd Emma Watson... Yes.

Quote:

Originally posted by Bangledesh

Ohmahgerd Ermer Washern... Yes.

Fixed.

Short links, but some good ones, IMO

Robber who broke into hair salon is beaten by its black-belt owner and kept as a sex slave for three days, only being fed Viagra. That's the whole title of the article. I don't think I need to elaborate. In Soviet Russia victim rapes robber!

Man steals phone from Ebola patient, gets Ebola. Karma, bro. You never steal shit from people infected with one of the most deadly viruses known to man.

Rosacea may be caused by mite shit all over your face. (If you have rosacea, that facial reddening) Here's the short version of what that article says: Mites live on all of our faces, eating sebum (facial oil) that comes out of our sebaceous (oil) glands. Except they don't have anuses, so they just eat, get bigger, then die and explode all the shit that they made. It turns out people with rosacea have ~20x the density of these mites than do people without it, and the assumption is that because there are more of these mites, there are more of them dying. And when they die, they release the poop they stored until that point. So all this extra mite poop is potentially acting as an irritant, activating the human immune system and causing the inflammatory response! MITE SHIT ON YOUR FACE, BITCHES!

Bruce Willis considering suing Apple over who owns his iTunes collection. Turns out, if you die, your iTunes collection does not belong to you (you're actually "borrowing" those songs), and thus you can't turn it over to your family when you pass away. The Last Boyscout is going to see about that.

Mite shit up on your face.

Gross.

*UPDATE TO BRUCE WILLIS SUING APPLE STORY*: http://techcrunch.com/2012/09/03/bruce-willis-itunes-music-library/ (It's false. he's doing no such thing, although it's still true that you are just leasing your iTunes songs and they're still non-transferrable)

Elephants are being slaugtered at alarming rates for their Ivory. This is a horrible story. Killing elephants (which are amazingly smart and social animals) for their ivory, so that the ivory can be sold to finance wars. Just fucking terrible in every way.

The 'Cocaine Godmother' killed in Colombia. My condolences Honda. Also, the picture of her in that story is quite unflattering.

Chinese Toddler's refusal to give up microphone during a family karaoke evening started a quarrel that left two men hacked to death with a meat cleaver. And we have our winner for headline of the week!

NY Court to decide whether lap dancing is a tax-exempt "art". I say sure. Swinging around on that syphilis-smeared pole and putting up with a bunch of drunken, tight-fisted, heathenly ogres takes more creativity and mental stamina than most other activities. Give 'em the benefit of the doubt.

Honduras signs agreement to build 3 private cities. Kind of intersting. These cities will have their own laws, their own governments and tax systems and will be privately owned by investors.

Brussels makes it illegal to insult people. Fuck you guys you, cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sacks of monkey shit! Hallelujah! Holy shit!

Television in Russia faces enhanced censorship. They're not censoring for political content (this time) but in order to "[protect] youngsters from information causing harm to their health and development." Yeah, that's right, anything that might be deemed to harm the "health and development" of kids is forbidden. Guys, that's like everything that goes on in the world. And you probably don't want to build group of sheltered people who will be shocked at the first sight of a titty or cigarette either. Whatever. Moving on.

In Texas, it's a felony to lie about the size of the fish you catch. Seems like a great use of time for the local law enforcement apparatus. I'm sure some kid in the local prosecutor's office spent $150,000 in law school so he could nail your ass for exaggerating about the size of your fish.

Cracked's 5-most terrifying US Supreme Court decisions. If you weren't already aware of these, consider yourself better informed after reading the awful things the US Supreme court says were okay.

Tigers in Nepal are becoming nocturnal to better deal with the influx of humans. Neat.

How a toothbrush just saved the International Space Station. This is some MacGyver-type shit, with the difference being this is real and happened IN FUCKING OUTER SPACE.

Mount Fuji is potentially about to explode. No big deal. Apparently the pressure of the magma inside the volcano has risen significantly over the past decade likely due to recent earthquake activity. The pressure it typically takes to cause an eruption is 0.1 megapascals. The current pressure of Mt. Fuji is 1.6 megapascals. If you're in Japan, maybe buy a hardhat or pair of galoshes or something.

Ben & Jerry's sues porn over movie titles themed after ice cream names. Oh, how disappointing. Ben & Jerry's is supposedly a fairly progressive company, so you'd think they'd be cool with the whole freedom of expression of the sexytimes. Apparently not. Titles being sued over include: "Peanut Butter D-Cups" and "Boston Cream Thigh." I call bullshit on that second one, because there's no way that B&Js (ohhhh see what I did there?) have a copyright on parodies of "Boston Cream Pie" (which, incidentally, would make a fine porn title all on its own. All you'd have to do is get some guys with Marky Mark Whalberg's accent and have them sex ladies while not wearing condoms). Anyway, there is other infringing stuff, like the images they're using and the name of the porn company ("Ben & Cherry's" that will probably fall in favor of Ben & Jerry's. But still, seems silly to sue over.

Texas approves US' fastest speed limit. 85 miles per hour, suckers. Three more and you'll see some serious shit!

Putin calls for a Stalinesque 5-year plan. That'll probably end well. From the article:

Quote:

Putin's top defense industry official Dmitry Rogozin posted on his Facebook page a copy of a 1940 letter from Stalin to gun factory managers and accompanied it with a sarcastic warning: "Such methods of improving discipline also exist".

Stalin's letter to the managers said: "I give you two or three days to launch mass production of machinegun cartridges... If production does not start on time, the government will take over control of the plant and shoot all the rascals there."

"Of course, it was a joke," Rozogin told reporters regarding his posting but added that failures would not be tolerated.

, funny joke, guy. MAKE MORE GUNS OR WE'LL KILL YOU! ZERZ, J/K GUYS. BUT NO, SERIOUSLY, DONT FUCK UP.

Saudi Arabia will cease to be a net exporter of Oil within 20 years. Says some study. These predictions have a tendency to be overly alarmist and fail to come to fruition (Look up Mathus), but it's still something to keep an eye on.

The politics of Chinese orgies. Ugh. I don't even. This is just weird and the picture accompanying the article is twelve-to-six type of stuff too.

US torturing techniques used in Lybia included "prolonged diapering" (?), the use of a torture box, and the use of insects. Fuck these guys. This sounds like the worst Fear Factor episode ever, except about a billion times worse. Torture is bad, mmmkay?

Restaurant owner creates fake dating site profile as revenge against customer who gave her a bad review. Huh, this restaurant lady doesn't take criticism well. The fake profile said, "I am open to anything -- couples, threesomes and group sex. Am especially into transsexuals and transgenders (being one myself). I am ... a tiger in the bedroom." Yeah, I could see how people contacting you to hook up in some sexy but unwanted transgendered three-ways could be less than pleasing.

Lance Armstrong banned from running in New York, Chicago, Boston marathons. Apparently those races follow the USADA rules, which is the organization that gave him a lifetime ban from bike racing, so he can't even recreationally run in those marathons. What a joke this organization is. Nobody gives a shit about bicyclists "doping" because EVERYONE IN THAT SPORT DOES IT, AND ITS BIKE RACING SO NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOUR STUPID SPORT ANYWAY. But hey, good for you guys, fighting the good fight for the last 7 years to fuck over some dude who retired from your stupid sport in 2006.

Illegal monkey living on corn flakes and juice bites owner. Monkeys are neat animals, but they can be nasty sometimes. Like all other animals, really, I guess.

Granpda caught selling meth out of his home. The most absurd part of this is where they sent a goddamn SWAT team to his house to serve the search warrant. Yeah, you really need to bring a tactical unit like that out for some old grandpa. There are about a million other ways to get an old man outta his house peacefully, not at the barrel of an assault rifle. Tell him he's won a free supply of denture cream or something to coax him out.

Chris Brown, woman abuser, gets a neck tattoo of a woman's beaten face. Don't worry guys, he says it's not a picture of Rihanna, just that it sorta looks like Rihanna after he beat the fuck out of her face and bit her. It's like he's not even trying to hide how much of a psychopath he is anymore.

Vlad Putin muses on the benefits of group sex. He says it's better than one-on-one sex because the participants can take a break! Genius! I say we need more pragmatic leaders like this. Well, except for the part where he's an oppressive, cronyist thug. But the sex part is fine.

Turkish rape victim shot (in the penis) and decapitated her rapist. Well, that'll teach him. I'm not really a huge fan of vigilante justice, but if some dude raped and impregnated me, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I would feel like doing. Maybe with more torture or something.

SCIENCE CAN GROW PENISES FROM SCRATCH! So if you lose your penis in a traumatic penis severing accident, all hope is not lost! It's actually not growing them from scratch, you need a donor penis first, which is then used as the base material for the new peen. But this is kind of incredile.

Man murders his uncle over a dispute over steaks. Meat, it's life and death. The one guy claimed the cut was a pork steak, the other guy shank

Sex makes everything less disgusting. People are more likely to do gross chores when aroused than when they're not.

Aspiring rapper dies in drunk driving accident minutes after tweeting about driving drunk at 120 mph and saying "Yolo" Welp, yeah, you do, and now you don't anymore.

It's official. New York City bans soda and sugary drinks over 16 oz. GODDAMMIT LET ME DRINK GALLONS AND GALLONS OF SODA IF I WNAT TO DRINK GALLONS AND GALLONS OF SODA! YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

Lady arrested for flagging down motorists and offering to take her clothes off for cash. Just another story of the man keeping these enterprizing entrepeneurs down. Booo!

PA town wants to ban dogs to revitalize business district. I like when a town makes it clear that it's run by morons. It really saves you a lot of time when you're making decisions as to whether or not it's a good place to move/visit/etc.

FAA looking into holes in some NY houses which may have been caused by toilet waste falling from planes. Wonderful. If frozen feces was bombarding my house I think I'd have to move.

63 year old guy arrested for fondling himself on an airplane while looking at porn. And this is why I prefer the aisle seat. Quick getaways from the creeper in the seat next to you are always valuable.

Granpda caught selling meth out of his home. The most absurd part of this is where they sent a goddamn SWAT team to his house to serve the search warrant. Yeah, you really need to bring a tactical unit like that out for some old grandpa. There are about a million other ways to get an old man outta his house peacefully, not at the barrel of an assault rifle. Tell him he's won a free supply of denture cream or something to coax him out.

Chris Brown, woman abuser, gets a neck tattoo of a woman's beaten face. Don't worry guys, he says it's not a picture of Rihanna, just that it sorta looks like Rihanna after he beat the fuck out of her face and bit her. It's like he's not even trying to hide how much of a psychopath he is anymore.

Vlad Putin muses on the benefits of group sex. He says it's better than one-on-one sex because the participants can take a break! Genius! I say we need more pragmatic leaders like this. Well, except for the part where he's an oppressive, cronyist thug. But the sex part is fine.

Turkish rape victim shot (in the penis) and decapitated her rapist. Well, that'll teach him. I'm not really a huge fan of vigilante justice, but if some dude raped and impregnated me, I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I would feel like doing. Maybe with more torture or something.

SCIENCE CAN GROW PENISES FROM SCRATCH! So if you lose your penis in a traumatic penis severing accident, all hope is not lost! It's actually not growing them from scratch, you need a donor penis first, which is then used as the base material for the new peen. But this is kind of incredile.

Man murders his uncle over a dispute over steaks. Meat, it's life and death. The one guy claimed the cut was a pork steak, the other guy shank

Spacecraft detects snow on Mars. It's not our snow though. It's CO2 snow. Which is still cool, as anyone who's ever played with dry ice can attest to.

San Francisco to ban cock rings. Because really, who wants to see a bunch of naked guys wearing cock rings? Naked guys, sure, the more the merrier. But naked guys + cock rings is just TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!

Japan engineers tooth enamel-type patch. It could both whiten and repair the enamel on teeth, which to this point has been an impossibility. More fun with science.

Italian study shows male genetalia is shrinking. Goddammit demo, stop signing up for medical studies for a little extra cash.

New Jersey bans smiling on your drivers license. Yes, because the Garbage State needs more misery and gloom. Jeez, relax you tightwads. The reason is because smiles throw off their facial-recognition technology, so fuck them anyway. They don't need to track everyone by their digitzed face.

Warp drive may be more feasible than previously thought; NASA working on it. Funny thing about article titles - they're misleading. You see, it was previously thought to be nearly impossible, but now using some new calculations it seems it's only almost as nearly impossible. But maybe by the year 2200 or something they'll have figured a way to get around all that "conventional physical limitations of physics" stuff. Or maybe we'll all have burned the fuck off the planet due to global warming and ecological collapse. Who knows. Can't wait to see what happens!

5 stupid bets that changed the world. Cracked. They're always coming up with neat interesting tidbits of information. Like thoes Cracked folk.

US suffers worst airpower loss since Vietnam and nobody really notices. It probably has something to do with the US military not wanting to advertise that they just suffered the worst airpower loss since Vietnam.

TX officer shoots, kills wheelchair bound double amputee wielding a pen. I dunno. seems kind of crazy. Maybe just jump up onto the coffee table to get out of reach instead?

Man charged with faking brain injury to get in-home health aid change his diaper.

Gangnam Style dance off between Bangkok gangs leads to shoot out. Come on guys, Gangnam style is fun and catchy, not violent and shitty. Maybe someone took offense to the dick-thrusting or something.

Couple have sex in car while driving, pull gun on family that watched them. Dude got mad because he thought the family was taking videos of him getting a hummer, so obviously the rational response is to try to run that family off the road and threaten them with your gun.

Newborn Giant Panda Cub at US National Zoo dies. Apparently these things are very small, delicate, and frequently fail to make it past infancy.

Turkish Divers rescue a blow-up doll from the Black Sea. It was reported as a drowning woman. The doll was saved, but then thrown in the trash. RIP Betty Blow-up.

Lots of people will entirely change their morals if you trick them into thinking they answered certain moral questions opposite of how they actually did. Kind of interesting, and it shows attribution theory, which is the idea that we don't know why we do what we do, and only make up reasons for our actions AFTER we do those actions.

Quote:

Originally posted by EricLindros

[ Link ]. Funny thing about article titles - they're misleading. You see, it was previously thought to be nearly impossible, but now using some new calculations it seems it's only almost as nearly impossible. But maybe by the year 2200 or something they'll have figured a way to get around all that "conventional physical limitations of physics" stuff. Or maybe we'll all have burned the fuck off the planet due to global warming and ecological collapse. Who knows. Can't wait to see what happens!

Oh, cheer up Lindros. Looks like we're heading for a nice big world war where millions, possibly a couple of billion, of people will die. That should cut down on green house gases pretty good( as long as we don't go nuclear, though a neutron/emp exchange is more likely.)after which the world recovers in a new dawn of peace and
understanding (living like Amish).

Quote:

Originally posted by Dagnabbit

...

Oh, cheer up Lindros. Looks like we're heading for a nice big world war where millions, possibly a couple of billion, of people will die. That should cut down on green house gases pretty good( as long as we don't go nuclear, though a neutron/emp exchange is more likely.)after which the world recovers in a new dawn of peace and
understanding (living like Amish).

See, that's what I was saying! There's all kinds of crazy things that could happen, which makes the future so interesting (and scary)! I mean, maybe we have your global thermonuclear war, and then the Nuclear Winter that sets in afterward reverses all the global warming stuff! It would be like a 2-for-1 prize!

360,000 bees are staying at the Waldof Astoria. One of New York's fanciest hotels. The cynosure of everything civilized. Anyway, the hotel has them on the top floor to make what the call "Top of the Waldorf" Rooftop Honey. I guarantee you that shit is expensive as all hell.

Frat bro hospitalized after enjoying an alcohol enema. Yeah, that's right. They stuck a goddamn rubber tube up their ass and poured the booze into their colon, where liquid is much more rapidly absorbed. Not really a MENSA level move, you guys.

Big Bird is 8'2", the Israeli version of Oscar the Grouch is "Moishe Oofnik," Nigeria's version of the Cookie Monster eats yams, using the catchphrase "ME WANT YAM" and 39 other facts about Sesame Street. Not gonna lie, that's probably the most entertaining link I've ever posted here.

Futures broker spent $520m in a drunken stupor. And you thought drunk dialing your ex and leaving sloppy voicemails was embarrassing.

Eunuchs in Korea lived, on average, 19 years longer than testicled men. Sometimes it's quality of life you should be looking at, rather than quantity. Sure, you get 19 more years, but ALL OF THOSE YEARS ARE WITHOUT TESTICLES.

Microsoft starts the push toward subscription-based model for Office Suite. Yeah, because people want to pay $99.00/yr for the ability to write word documents. They say that if you don't renew your subscription under this model you'll still be able to view and print your old documents, but won't be able to write new ones. Good times. I think I'll make sure I keep a copy of Office 2010 or whatever on hand for future use.

Interesting story of bacterial evolution in the lab. This might only be interesting to me, and it's kind of longish for a blog post. But still, it's a nice story of how a line of E. coli evolved in a 24-year long lab experiment.

The physics of the Happy Gilmore hockey-style golf swing. Shockingly, it would actually work to increase distance, and is a perfectly legal golf shot. There's a video of a golf pro actually trying it out on the practice range.

Cows are being fed gummy worms instead of corn. This is due to the high price of corn. Personally, I'd much prefer a couple gummy worms to an ear of corn so this seems like a trade up.

Couple arrested for having sex on the beach. Also, the were doing crack. In fact, that's probaby what got them arrested. The crack.

Canadians are smuggling cheese into the country. Apparently cheese has gotten expensive in Canada so those devious bastards are smuggling it it. PUT THE CHEESE DOWN, EH?

Singer Ke$ha claims to have had sex with ghosts. I asser that Ke$ha has done a lot of drugs. Ghosts don't do this, although I guess she didn't say that she had sex ONLY with ghosts.

Researchers in China build "Sperm Collecting Machine" Sperm Collecting Machine sounds a lot more respectable than what I would have named it had I invented the thing: "mechanical jerker-offer." A bargain at only $2800

Man setenced to 18 months in jail after accidentally sexting his whole contacts list, including some underage girls. He was let out after the authorities verified that it was a mistake. Of course, once out he has to explain to all his family members why he sexted them. Christmas dinner is going to be awkward this year.