Erik the Viking
Blackness.
Flames begin to lick upwards from the bottom of the screen.
Suddenly all hell breaks loose. Screaming, yelling. Black figures flash
across the foreground, with the flames still burning behind.
There follows a confusion of burning, raping, killing and looting - we
don't clearly see what's going on.
Suddenly we cut to the interior of a hut. The door is in the process of
being broken down. The camera pans onto the close-up face of an
attractive girl who is staring in horrified fascination at the door.
Her arms are white with fresh dough and flour.
Suddenly the door bursts open and a wild-looking Viking leaps into the
hut. He holds a sword. He looks around wildly and then his eyes come to
rest on the girl.
This Viking, I'm afraid, is Erik. We are about to see him in the worst
possible light so be prepared.
The girl, whose name is Helga, cowers, and looks terrified but
resolute.
Erik glances round.
Then slowly he advances on the girl, forcing her back onto a chest.
Erik holds his sword to Helga's throat with his right hand, while his
left hand searches to find the thongs holding up his trousers.
He is clearly having difficulties trying to hold his heavy sword to
Helga's throat at he same time as undoing his trousers. He fumbles and
lowers his sword for a moment.
HELGA Have you done this sort of thing before?
ERIK Me? Of course! I've been looting and pillaging up and down the
coast.
HELGA (looking sceptical) Looting and pillaging, eh?
ERIK (on the defensive) Yes.
HELGA What about the raping?
ERIK Shut up.
HELGA It's obvious you haven't raped anyone in your life.
ERIK Sh!
He covers her mouth with his free hand, and looks round to make sure no
one's heard. Then he carries on trying to undo his trousers, but he is
now somewhat more than half-hearted about it.
Helga watches suspiciously.
HELGA Do you LIKE women?
Erik is clearly shocked and stung by the insinuation. He stops.
ERIK Of course I like women... I LOVE 'em.
HELGA (pointing out the obvious) You don't love ME.
ERIK No... right... this is RAPE... Mark you, I'm not saying I
couldn't get to like you... in fact... well, to be quite
honest, I prefer it when there's some sort of mutual feeling
between two people...
HELGA What - rape?
ERIK No. It isn't rape then, is it?
HELGA Oh, get it over with.
ERIK (hesitates again) I don't suppose... no...
HELGA What?
ERIK I don't suppose you... you DO like me at all?
HELGA What d'you expect? You come in here, burn my village, kill my
family and try to rape me...
This is too much for Erik. We withers under the irony.
ERIK I'll kill you if you say anything about this to anyone.
HELGA (puzzled) About raping me?
ERIK About NOT raping you...
HELGA You DON'T like it, do you?
ERIK Well it just seems a little bit crude, that's all.
HELGA What about the killing and looting? That's just as crude, isn't
it?
ERIK Oh well - you've GOT to do them.
HELGA Why? Why have you got to go round killing and looting?
ERIK To pay for the next expedition, of course.
HELGA But that's a circular argument! If the only reason for going on
an expedition is the killing and looting and the only reason
for the killing and looting is to pay for the next expedition,
they cancel each other out.
ERIK Oh! Stop talking as if we were married!
HELGA Well you started it.
ERIK I just said I didn't feel like raping you.
HELGA And I was just saying that rape is no MORE pointless or crude
than all the killing and looting that goes on.
Erik vents of his frustration on the already shattered door.
ERIK Scream.
HELGA Ah.
ERIK Louder.
HELGA Aaagh! Rape!
ERIK (he'd forgotten about that) Oh, thanks
Two more Vikings burst in with eyes blazing. They have the very
unfortunate names of Ernest and Jennifer, but it doesn't really matter,
for reasons which will become obvious very quickly. They are also
slightly drunk.
ERNEST Rape?
JENNIFER Where?
Jennifer the Viking sways and leans against a door post. The marauder's
eyes come to rest on Erik and Helga who are standing, fully clothed,
about six feet apart. They look slightly puzzled.
HELGA He raped me standing up.
There is a pause. Erik looks up at Helga. Why has she saved his face by
telling this lie? Jennifer the Viking turns to Erik.
JENNIFER You finished, then?
ERIK Oh... yes... I suppose so...
ERNEST Right! Me first!
JENNIFER No! I asked!
Ernest leaps on top of Helga and pins her to the ground. Jennifer joins
in. Erik looks stunned for a moment. Then he suddenly leaps to Helga's
defence.
ERIK Leave her alone!
He pulls Jennifer off, but Jennifer fights back. Erik forces Jennifer
back until he falls into the kneading trough. They fight in the dough
for some moments, until Erik runs Jennifer through. The dough is
stained red, and the film is rid of such an inappropriately named
Viking once and for all.
Erik then turns his attention on Ernest who is still on top of Helga.
Without a moment's hesitation, Erik runs him through the back. Ernest
screams. So does Helga. Erik turns white, and pulls out his sword.
Ernest falls over into a heap with his co-misnomer, and Erik kneels
beside Helga to find a bloodstain under her breast where he has
inadvertently run her through. She is clearly not long for this world.
HELGA Thanks for saving me from a fate worse than death.
ERIK I didn't mean to!
HELGA (gasping for breath) Oh, that's all right then... it's the thought...
that counts...
Erik cradles her head and tries helplessly to staunch the blood.
ERIK You told them I raped you - why?
HELGA (dying) I dunno... you looked so... so vulnerable...
ERIK Why should you care?
HELGA (dying) Why... should YOU care?
ERIK Tell me your name?
Helga looks up at him, but dies in his arms, without ever saying her
name.
ERIK Tell me... what IS it...?
Erik realizes she has gone. He gazes at her for some time. He looks
around at the two dead bodies beside them. Then he listens to the
sound of raping and slaughter continuing on the outside. Screams and
bloodthirsty shuts echo alongside the roar of flames and the cries of
animals. The camera tracks into a big close-up on Erik. Superimpose the
title: ERIK THE VIKING:
Second title: TIM ROBBINS.
Mix through to wide shot of the burning village. Figures running here
and there.
Superimpose the rest of the opening titles.
By the last of the opening titles the last of the flames are dying
down.
Cut to a close-up of a very loud-looking Viking screaming into the
camera, as he hurls an axe. This Viking's name is Thorfinn Skull-
Splitter.
The axe thuds into the wall a few inches away from the face of a
frightened girl, Unn, who is pinned to the wall with her braids spread
out. The Vikings are hurling axes at her a la Kirk Douglas in THE
VIKINGS.
Several Vikings sitting at ale-bench, laugh in a rather unpleasant way.
Erik, however, frowns. He is sitting at a table on a dais, next to his
grandfather, the chief of the village. His grandfather almost chokes
with merriment. Erik's mother glances at him with some hostility.
Meanwhile the drunken Thorfinn has just lifted the totally legless Ivar
the Boneless up off the floor and presses an axe into his hand. A
tremor of nervousness ripples round the females in the Mead Hall. Ivar
is clearly in no condition to throw anything, except, perhaps, the
contents of his stomach.
Unn winces.
Finally, amidst much giggling, Ivar throws wildly, and the axe smashes
into a jug being carried by one of the serving girls.
The menfolk erupt into drunken hysterics at this. The women clearly
feel that the occasion is getting out of hand. But before any of them
can work up enough courage to intervene, Thorfinn Skull-Splitter has
thrust an axe into the hands of the even more plastered Sven the
Berserk. Now Sven is not the Viking to let a little matter like not
being able to see straight stop him heaving the axe at a young maiden.
He takes the axe and whirls it wildly over his head. Even the other
drunken Vikings realize this could be dangerous, and they cower behind
the table. Sven lets go of the axe. Unn shuts her eyes prepared for the
worst. There is a dull thud and a grunt and then a whoop of mirth. Unn
opens her eyes to find that the axe has come to rest in the back of a
totally stupefied Viking who merely slumps forward onto the table he is
sitting at. On the opposite side sits Harald Missionary, a rather seedy
cleric who has long since given up trying to convert the pagans and
found solace in their mead. He thinks about intervening, but decides
that it's a bit late really and that he might as well finish off his
ale-cup instead. Grimhild Housewife (his only admirer) refills it for
him.
At this moment, however, the axe-throwers have run out of axes, so, as
they go to retrieve the ones they've thrown, Harald Missionary salves
his conscience by lurching across to the unfortunate Unn.
He pokes his dog-eared bible under her nose.
HARALD If you were thinking of converting, my dear, this would be an
IDEAL opportunity...
UNN Not now!
HARALD (who is used to rebuffs) No, of course not... (he hesitates) You might
not get another chance, you know...
UNN Go away.
At this moment another axe thuds into the wall, speeding up Harald's
desire to get back to the ale-bench.
HARALD Yes, of course... I'll pray for you anyway, my dear...
Suddenly an axe shatters a large earthware vessel.
HARALD Yes.. That's what I'll do...
Harald scuttles back to the ale-bench as fast as he can.
Erik meanwhile, stares in astonishment as, for a fleeting moment, he
sees Helga, the girl he accidentally killed, standing there with her
braids spread out in place of Unn. He shakes his head and the vision
passes.
In the meantime, however, Ivar's mum (perhaps the toughest lady in the
village) has decided that enough is enough.
IVAR'S MUM Let her go!
THORFINN Why?
VIKINGS Yes, why?
SVEN THE BERSERK Why should we let er go?
THORFINN We haven't hit a single braid yet!
The Vikings all guffaw.
Ivar's mum has had enough. She throws the contents of a jug of ale over
Thorfinn. He is shocked, but after the first shock he grins evilly,
because now he's been given carte blanche to do the thing he enjoys
doing most. Without another thought he throws a vicious right hook at
Ivar's mum and lays her out cold.
Erik reacts with disgust.
His grandad, however, gives a whoop of glee.
GRANDAD Whoah! Heee! That showed her!
Meanwhile a little shrivelled old man is jumping up and down.
INGEMUND THE OLD Hey! He hit my wife!
Ingemund starts to go for Thorfinn, but Thorhild beats him to it. She
grabs one of the long-handled cooking griddles from the fires and
swings it at Thorfinn.
Thorfinn, however, ducks, and the red-hot griddle hits Sven the
Berserk, who is standing with his back to Thorfinn.
Sven screams and goes berserk, turning round and hitting Thorfinn who
is now standing upright again.
INGEMUND THE OLD Leave him alone.
Ingemund hits Sven. Thangbrand hits Ingemund and a general fight breaks
out.
Erik's grandad clearly considers this the highlights of the evening,
but Erik looks at it in disgust and at his grandad in despair.
Eventually he gets up and walk out of the Mead Hall.
His grandad notices and frowns. He knows something's wrong with his
grandson but hasn't a clue what it could be. Erik's mother frowns and
nods to his grandad.
Grandad gets up and fights his way through the melee to follow Erik out
of the Hall.
The snow lies thick over the village as Erik's grandfather joins his
grandson beside the little quay. Erik is staring broodily into the
night.
GRANDFATHER What's the matter, son?
Erik doesn't reply. His grandfather glances back at the Mead Hall,
whence the sound of the fight drift across the snow.
GRANDFATHER We're missing all the fun...
ERIK What's it all about?
GRANDFATHER What?
ERIK We toil and labour, we loot and pillage, rape and kill... and
yet...
GRANDFATHER You talking piffle, son?
ERIK Where does it all get us, Grandpa?
GRANDFATHER Who have you been talking to?
ERIK I met this girl...
GRANDFATHER It's always the women that start the trouble.
ERIK She got me thinking...
GRANDFATHER So? What'd you do to her?
Erik stops in his tracks - as if brought up short by the horror of what
he has done.
ERIK I... I... KILLED her...
GRANDFATHER That's my boy!
Erik's grandfather gives him a paternal hug. Erik looks at him and
thinks about the generation gap.
Cut to feet running in the snow. It is day.
ERIK Freya!
Erik looks around him and calls out again.
ERIK Freya!
Erik runs into the distance - a small figure against the dramatic
wintry landscape.
Cut to a remote, barren mountainside.
Erik climbs up into shot, and continues climbing until he reaches a
cave. He enters it. As his eyes get used to the dark he can make out a
few signs of life: a cooking pot on a fire, a straw bed, a pile of
rune-sticks.
ERIK Freya? Freya?
There is a bundle of rags behind Erik. A head rises from it. This is
Freya.
FREYA Ah... Erik... Erik the "Viking"...
It is not clear whether her words are not a little mocking.
FREYA Now what CAN you want with me, Erik the "Viking"?
ERIK I shouldn't have come.
FREYA They will make fun of you for listening to an old woman's
stories?
Erik doesn't reply. Freya watches him craftily.
FREYA Young men are only interested in fighting and killing.
Erik looks up at her sharply. It is as if she has read his mind.
ERIK But has it always been like that, Freya? From the beginning of
time?
Freya doesn't reply. Instead she walks to the mouth of the cave. Erik
follows her. They look out at the grey, desolate landscape. Nothing but
arctic wastes, snow and desolation. Above them the black clouds boil
ceaselessly.
FREYA What do you see, Erik?
ERIK I see the world.
FREYA I it night or day, Erik?
ERIK It is day, of course, Freya.
FREYA Is it summer or winter, Erik?
Erik looks round at the snowy wastes and ten back at Freya, puzzled.
ERIK The winter is past, thank goodness, Freya. It is summer.
Freya puts her face close to Erik's and peers into his eyes.
FREYA Have you ever seen the sun, Erik?
ERIK The sun is up beyond the clouds - where it always is.
FREYA But have you ever seen it? Think back...
ERIK Of course not... but... when I was a child.... I remember a
dream.... it was as if the whole sky was blue...
FREYA The sky WAS blue, Erik... once.
Erik looks at her.
FREYA The Old Stories tell of an age that would come such as this -
when Fenrir the Wolf would swallow the sun, and a Great Winter
would settle upon the world. It was to be an axe age, a sword
age, a storm age, when brother would turn against brother, and
men would fight each other until the world would finally be
destroyed.
Erik looks out across the bleak and gloomy landscape and the black,
boiling clouds in the sky.
ERIK (almost to himself) Then... this is the Age of Ragnarok?
Freya turns to go back into the cave.
ERIK Wait, Freya!
Erik re-enters the cave.
ERIK Is there nothing men can do?
FREYA The Gods are asleep, Erik.
ERIK I will go and wake them up!
Freya turns and looks at him. She clearly enjoys his earnest
enthusiasm, but is afraid he doesn't know what he is talking about.
ERIK Tell me what I must do, Freya!
Freya thinks for some moments. The she speaks.
FREYA Erik... Far out in the midst of the Western Ocean there is a
land... men call it Hy-Brasil. There you will find a horn that
is called Resounding. You must take the Horn Resounding, and
three times you must blow it. The first note will take you to
Asgaard. The second will awaken the Gods, and the third note
will bring you home. But remember... once you are in the spell
of the Horn, hatred will destroy you.
Erik turns to go and then hesitates.
ERIK And will the dead ever return, Freya?
FREYA That I cannot tell you.
Cut to a big close-up of a head being banged on the ground. It is
Thorfinn Skull-Splitter's. The person doing the banging is an enraged
Sven the Berserk.
Suddenly Erik pushes his way through the crowd and separates them.
There is general disgruntlement all round, and murmurs of: "Who does he
think he is?"
ERIK'S GRANDAD What are you doing, Erik? Thorfinn just said Sven's grandfather
died of old age.
INGEMUND THE OLD They must fight to the death.
THORFINN SKULL-SPLITTER That's right! Sven must kill me.
OTHERS Yes. Stay out of this. What's it to do with you? (etc)
Sven grids his teeth and struggles to get at Thorfinn, but Erik still
keeps them apart.
ERIK Aren't you afraid of death, Thorfinn Skull-Splitter?
Thorfinn shrugs.
THORFINN Not death by the sword! It means I shall drink in Valhalla with
the great warriors.
Cut away To Harald Missionary engaged in his usual business of chatting
up any available female.
HARALD MISSIONARY You don't still believe in all that Valhalla stuff, do you?
THORHILD THE FEMALE Go away.
HARALD Fine... right... just checking.
He moves off.
ERIK And you, Sven, aren't you afraid of crossing the Rainbow Bridge
to Asgaard?
SVEN I will join my grandfather there.
THORFINN He's not in Valhalla! He died of old age!
SVEN You liar!
They start trying to kill each other again, and crash through a fence
into the pig-sty. Pigs squeal and run in all directions.
ERIK Stop it!
OTHERS Leave them alone! Keep out of it, Erik!
The others pull Erik away.
GRANDAD There's only one way to settle it.
EVERYONE Yes!
THORFINN He MUST kill me!
EVERYONE Yes! That's right! (etc)
Sven struggles again to oblige, and they both topple into the duck
pond. Erik dives back to keep them apart.
ERIK There is another way.
GRANDAD Who gets killed?
ERIK Nobody gets killed.
THORFINN Oh, well...
He starts attacking Sven again. Erik decides there is only one way to
make his point. He lets fly with his fists and lays both the
antagonists out for a moment.
ERIK But it will be dangerous. Maybe none of us will return.
SNORRI THE MISERABLE Ah well, that's much more sensible than just Thorfinn
getting killed. Shall we all go and pack now?
SVEN What are you talking about, Erik?
ERIK What if we could find Bi-Frost the Rainbow Bridge?
This causes a sensation amongst everyone watching, on the lines of "You
can't do that" and so on. They scoff at Erik.
THORFINN (in disbelief) FIND the Rainbow Bridge?
ERIK Find it... AND cross it!
Super-sensation amongst everyone - except for Harald Missionary who
shakes his head sadly.
HARALD Look! You can't find somewhere that doesn't exist.
GRANDAD (to Harald) Shut up!
Harald shrugs.
SVEN Only the dead reach Asgaard, Erik.
ERIK What's the matter? Are you afraid to try?
Thorfinn and Sven are put on the defensive.
THORFINN Of course we're not afraid to try, but...
Erik rounds on Thorfinn, sensing he had the advantage.
ERIK "But" what?
THORFINN But...
ERIK What?
Thorfinn's mental powers find it hard to articulate any proposition on
such a vast metaphysical concept. Sven comes to his rescue.
SVEN Nobody's ever crossed the Rainbow Bridge to Asgaard.
ERIK We'd be the first!
SNORRI You mean we'd be dead?
ERIK No! We'd be the first living men to set foot in the Halls of
the Gods.
Pause. Uncomfortable shifting.
SVEN But HOW?
ERIK I don't know - but I'm not afraid to try.
THORFINN Well I'M certainly not, either.
SVEN Neither am I.
ERIK Then you'll come.
HARALD But there isn't such a place as... Look...
THORFINN & SVEN Shut up!
ERIK What d'you say?
SVEN Well... I'm game.
THORFINN Me too.
Erik grins. He has persuaded them against their will.
GRANDAD Aren't you going to go on fighting?
SVEN & THORFINN No.
OTHERS Oh...
There is general disappointment all around.
IVAR THE BONELESS Oh, go on...
GRANDAD Just have a bit of a fight.
INGEMUND THE OLD I'LL fight someone.
GRANDAD You're too old.
INGEMUND THE OLD No, I ain't.
Cut to an adze striking timber. The Viking's ship, GOLDEN DRAGON, is
being repaired and fitted out for a JOURNEY. Erik is there, directing
operations.
The camera tracks through all the activity and finally comes to rest on
Keitel Blacksmith. He is a magnificent mountain of a man in an Arnold
Schwarzeneggarish sort of way. He hammers a sword, and sparks fly, but
his eyes keep returning to the preparations for the voyage. Clearly
something is worrying him.
His assistant, Loki, sidles up to him.
LOKI Wish you were going too?
Keitel grunts angrily and plunges the sword into cold water. Steam and
bubbles.
LOKI But you CAN'T because you're too busy.
Keitel pulls the sword out of the water and tests it. It slices like as
razor, Loki watches.
LOKI Ooh, that's a good one! You could charge Halfdan fifteen for
that one.
KEITEL Yes, it is good. But I told him ten.
LOKI You could charge him what you like.
Loki takes the sword from Keitel and stacks it alongside a lot more
freshly made swords.
LOKI You just can't make enough swords and spears and knives and
daggers to satisfy the demand. You could charge Halfdan twenty
and he'd pay it.
KEITEL (shocked) Oh, I couldn't do that! The Blacksmith's Code says...
LOKI Yes yes... of course.... the "Blacksmith's Code"...
Keitel goes back to his forge and pulls out a fresh dollop of white-hot
ore. Loki comes up behind him.
LOKI If this IS the Age of Ragnarok, Keitel Blacksmith, it is GOOD
to us.
KEITEL (banging with his hammer) Can't make enough swords!
Bang! Bang! Bang!
KEITEL Can't make enough axe-heads!
Bang! Bang! Bang!
LOKI But, Keitel, if Erik ever finds the Horn Resounding... if he
ever crosses Bi-Frost, the Rainbow Bridge... if he ever wakens
the gods..
Keitel stops smiting the metal on his forge. He stares into space.
KEITEL They chase Fenrir the Wolf from the sky...
LOKI The Age of Ragnarok ends...
KEITEL The bottom falls out of the sword business!
LOKI It's not just YOUR livelihood that's at stake but your son's,
and the livelihood of ALL blacksmiths.
KEITEL (this touches a nerve in his muscular mind) My brother blacksmiths!
LOKI That's right.
KEITEL The Blacksmith's Code says I must...
LOKI Honour and protect all blacksmiths.
KEITEL (as if reciting his oath) Together we stand!
LOKI You can't let Erik do THAT.
Loki smiles. He has Keitel playing into his hands, although Keitel
doesn't realize it.
Fade.
Cut to some days later. The expedition is set to leave. Thorfinn
Skull-Splitter taking leave of his mum and dad.
THORFINN'S MUM And you've got BOTH axes?
THORFINN Yes, Mother.
THORFINN'S MUM And something to sharpen them with?
THORFINN Yes, Mum.
THORFINN'S MUM And don't forget: never let your enemy get behind you.
THORFINN No, Mother.
THORFINN'S MUM And keep your sword greased.
THORFINN Yes, Mother. Goodbye, Dad.
THORFINN'S DAD And don't forget to was - you know - ALL over.
THORFINN No, Dad.
THORFINN'S MUM And if you have to kill somebody, KILL them! Don't stop to
think about it.
THORFINN (mildly) I never do...
Cut to Sven the Berserk who is also being lectured. The lecture is
coming from his father - Ulf the Maddeningly Calm.
SVEN'S FATHER (sotto voce) It's a tradition.
SVEN I know, Dad.
SVEN'S FATHER I was a Berserk for King Harald Fairhair...
SVEN You went berserk...
SVEN'S FATHER I went berserk in every battle I ever fought for King Harald...
SVEN So did your father...
SVEN'S FATHER So did my father and his father before him.
SVEN But it's a responsibility...
SVEN'S FATHER But it's a responsibility being a Berserk.
SVEN I must only let the red rage...
SVEN'S FATHER You must only let the red rage take hold of you in the thick of
battle.
SVEN (losing his temper) I KNOW! I'VE HEARD IT ALL I THOUSAND TIMES!
A sudden silence falls, as all the village turns to stare nervously at
Sven. He goes berserk and demolishes a nearby hut with his head. Ulf
the Maddeningly Calm shakes his head.
SVEN'S FATHER No no... you'll never make a Berserk. If you let it out now
you'll have nothing left for battle...
IVAR'S MUM Besides... it's dangerous.
SVEN'S FATHER (gloomily) It's the end of a family tradition.
In another corner of the village Leif the Lucky is standing with his
pregnant girlfriend.
GIRL Bye, Leif.
LEIF Bye... sorry...
GIRL Yeah... well...
LEIF You will wait?
GIRL What d'you expect me to do?
She takes a bracelet off her arm and gives it to Leif.
GIRL Wear this for luck.
Leif looks at it.
LEIF That's why they call me... Leif the Lucky.
GIRL Please.
Cut to Harald Missionary dumping a bag on board the ship. Grimhild
Housewife is helping him. Snorri looks at him in surprise.
SNORRI YOU coming? You don't even believe in Asgaard.
HARALD I thought I might do a bit of business on the way.
SNORRI You're wasting your time.
HARALD Listen. I've been in this dump for sixteen years and I haven't
made a single convert...
SNORRI There was Thorbjorn Vifilsson's wife. You converted HER.
HARALD Thorbjorn Vifilsson's wife became a Buddhist, not a Christian.
SNORRI Same thing, isn't it?
HARALD No, it is NOT.
Meanwhile in another part of the village, Loki is strapping a large
consignment of swords onto a pony. He glances round and then sneaks
surreptiously out of the village, over the barren hills of Norway,
under the boiling black skies of Ragnarok.
Back at the quayside, GOLDEN DRAGON is ready for the journey. Erik
addresses the villagers.
ERIK Well... we'll be off now...
Erik's grandad waits for some time before he realizes that Erik isn't
intending to say anything else.
GRANDAD You need to say a bit more than that!
ERIK Oh... er... yes...
The faces of the village-folk turn towards him. There are many moist
eyes. Erik's mother starts to cry.
ERIK Oh, there, Mum... (he turns and addresses everyone) Don't be
sad.... You all know why we're going, so don't grieve. Maybe
untold dangers do lie ahead of us, and some of you may well be
looking at the one you love for the last time...
Someone bursts out sobbing. Erik desperately tries to rally their
spirits.
ERIK But don't grieve! Even tough the Hordes of Muspel tear us limb
from limb... or the Fire Giants burn each and every one of us
to a cinder...
More crying.
ERIK ...though we may be swallowed by the Dragon of the North Sea or
fall off the Edge of the World... don't cry.
More crying.
ERIK No! Don't cry....
By this time most of the village is blubbering profusely.
Cut to Harald Missionary. He has his arm round his weeping girlfriend.
HARALD MISSIONARY Sh... There... it's all fantasy, there's no Dragon of the
North Sea, no Edge of the World...
GRIMHILD HOUSEWIFE That's what YOU say.
ERIK (aside to his Grandad) What's the matter with them?
GRANDAD Just say something cheerful.
ERIK Oh... right! (He can't think of anything) Well.... CHEERS
everybody!
Erik smiles broadly and waves. The entire village stares back at him
with tears in their eyes, and biting their lips. Suddenly one mother
can't hold it back any more.
THORFINN'S MUM Don't go!
Another mother rushes out and grabs Ivar the Boneless.
IVAR'S MUM My son! I don't want you to go!
IVAR I don't want to go, either...
ERIK Oh gods! Please, everybody! Keep calm! It's not certain ALL of
us are going to die... and in any case we may not die HIDEOUS
deaths...
More renewed sobbing. Grandad's eyes go heavenwards.
GRANDAD (to Erik) I think we should go...
ERIK Right. (he turns for a last salute) Farewell... for the last
time... may the gods prevent...
GRANDAD No, don't say anything else!
Suddenly Keitel Blacksmith steps forward. His muscles ripple. His
handsome face radiates heroism and manliness.
KEITEL Wait, Erik!
ERIK Keitel Blacksmith?
They stop and turn.
KEITEL You can't go without me. Who will repair your swords and mend
your shields?
Renewed sobs from the women.
WOMEN Oh, no! Ah, lackaday! Not HIM too!
ERIK What's the matter now?
UNN If Keitel Blacksmith goes with you...
THORHILD We'll have no one to do the things he did for us.
THORKATLA THE INDISCRETE OR sharpen our knives and make our pans.
An awkward silence. The others all turn on her and frown - a bit of
shin-kicking goes on. It's clear that Keitel is popular amongst the
womenfolk. Erik doesn't notice.
ERIK You will have Keitel's assistant, Loki, to do all that.
WOMEN Loki? Eurrgh!
ERIK What's wrong with Loki? He's become very good at blacksmithing.
WOMEN Yes... but...
THORKATLA He's so small and...
The others all shush her up. More shin-kicking.
THORHILD (innocently) Oh, yes... we've got Loki... That's true...
Cut to Loki leading his pony across a bleak landscape. He eventually
stops and looks ahead. There stands a gibbet with two corpses dangling
from it. He is nearing his destination.
Cut back to Erik and his men getting into GOLDEN DRAGON.
Erik notices Thorfinn and Sven quarrelling over Leif the Lucky.
ERIK Hey, you two! What's going on?
SVEN I was sitting there.
LEIF No, you weren't.
THORFINN Leif's sitting here. I need a bit of luck.
LEIF See.
SVEN Look, I bagged it last week.
ERIK It doesn't matter WHERE you sit!
SVEN Yes it does! We could be at sea for months.
ERIK Well, what difference does it make where you're SITTING?
SVEN I don't want to have to sit next to Snorri all that time.
Sven nods towards Snorri the Miserable - an Eeyore of a Viking if ever
there were one.
SNORRI Thank you VERY much indeed.
ERIK Now stop it!
SNORRI It's SO nice to feel wanted.
ERIK Leif, you sit there. Even, you sit there. Harald, you'd better
sit over there...
SNORRI Trust me to get the missionary.
Suddenly Erik notices Sven's father climbing aboard.
ERIK What are YOU doing here?
SVEN'S DAD You may need a real Berserk.
SVEN I AM one, Dad!
ERIK We haven't got a spare place.
IVAR He can have my place. I don't want to go anyway.
ERIK Well, you ARE!
KEITEL Bjorn's not. He could have Bjorn's place.
ERIK What's the matter with Bjorn?
THORFINN Nothing... Halfdan the Black chopped his hand off last night.
ERIK HE was lucky... (to Sven's dad) Sit there.
SNORRI You can't have Sven's father sitting next to Sven. They'll
argue the whole time.
ERIK That's true. (to Sven) YOU'D better sit there. (to Sven's dad)
You there, and Ornulf there.
SNORRI Now you've got all the big ones on one side.
Erik looks around. It is true that all the tall burly ones are on one
side.
ERIK All right, you go there. You here...
Sven's dad and Ornulf swap places.
SVEN'S DAD Ohh! I wanted to sit next to Leif.
ERIK Shut up. You there. You there and you there.
Ivar and Ornulf swap places. Erik surveys this re-arrangement.
ERIK That's better.
SNORRI Now you've got all the ones with beards on one side and all the
moustaches on the other.
This is true. Erik thinks some moments and then:
ERIK It doesn't matter.
They start to haul the sail up. Ropes are released. The boat rocks.
Suddenly a voice cuts through the crowd. It is Erik's mother.
ERIK'S MUM Wait! Wait! Wait!
ERIK What is it? (he is clearly a little embarrassed)
ERIK'S MUM Here, son.
She tries to hand Erik what looks unmistakably like a pillow. Erik is
dumbfounded.
ERIK'S MUM Your father always made sure he could rest his head at night.
Erik is mortified. The others snigger, though not without some sympathy
for Erik. They've ALL been embarrassed by their mums at one time or
another.
ERIK I can't take THAT on a voyage!
ERIK'S MUM It was your father's!
Erik will find it hard to refuse now. But he hesitates.
ERIK'S MUM It was the pillow HE took with him. He said it once saved his
life.
Erik reluctantly takes the precious object. His mother kisses him.
Everyone has fallen silent now. The relatives stand helpless on the
shore as GOLDEN DRAGON starts to drift away from them. The Vikings sit
in their places, hands on the oars looking back at their loved ones.
Erik stands at the prow of GOLDEN DRAGON. For a moment he thinks he
sees the girl he killed, standing, white in death, the spear-wound
still fresh. Erik raises his hand in a half-goodbye.
We cut back to the loved ones, now the girl is no longer there. They
too half-raise their hands.
Erik suddenly turns and gives a shout:
ERIK Huuup!
The oars go up and then into the water, and GOLDEN DRAGON commences her
voyage.
Cut back to GOLDEN DRAGON at sea.
Snorri is feeling queasy and gazing gloomily at the receding coastline
of Norway. Thangbrand is sitting near him and feeling equally queasy.
SNORRI Have a good look... that's the last we'll see of old Norway.
Snorri is desperately trying to control his insides.
SNORRI Goodbye home... goodbye family... goodbye loved ones... (he
starts to throw up) Goodbye lunch...
THANGBRAND Oh! Shut up.
Harald Missionary puts his arm around Snorri.
HARALD You know, my son, our lord said...
SNORRI YOUR lord.
HARALD Quite... MY lord... said: "The Prayer of Faith shall have the
sick."
SNORRI I hope the Dragon of the North Sea gets YOU AND your lord.
Harald Missionary gives him a condescending smile and a weary shake of
the head. He knows the Dragon of the North Sea does not exist.
HARALD Darkness and ignorance...
Meanwhile Ivar the Boneless and Sven the Berserk are both suffering
from the effects of the sea.
SVEN (keeping a wave of nausea down) It's not so bad when you're rowing.
THORFINN SKULL-SPLITTER That's right
Thorfinn gobs onto the whetstone with which he is sharpening his axe.
Sven can control himself no longer. He rushes for the side.
SVEN THE BERSERK I want to die.
This sets off Ivar.
IVAR THE BONELESS Uh oh!
He leaps up and pukes over the side. Mass puking breaks out all over
the boat.
Keitel Blacksmith looks around at his preoccupied shipmates, and it
slowly dawns upon him that this might be the moment to try a little
sabotage.
He goes to the ship's lodestone, which is hanging from the mast. Keitel
glances around. No one is looking, but this sort of covert behaviour
goes against his normally sunny and open disposition.
KEITEL (to himself) The Blacksmith's Code...
He steels himself, takes down the lodestone, snaps out the piece of
metal in the base and throws it over the side.
Keitel hangs it up again on the mast.
THORFINN Are you all right?
IVAR No, I'm not.
THORFINN You don't need to feel bad about being sea-sick, you know.
IVAR How can you help feeling bad when you're sea-sick?
THORFINN I mean many of the greatest sailors were.
Pause.
IVAR I know. I know.
THORFINN Olaf Tryggvason used to throw up on every single voyage... the
whole time... non-stop... puke... puke... puke.
IVAR Look! I don't feel BAD about it. I just feel ILL.
Thorfinn pauses and waits for a wave of nausea to creep up on Ivar.
THORFINN He used to puke in his sleep.
IVAR Bastard.
He throws up.
Meanwhile Erik is in the stern, gazing out behind them.
ERIK Thorfinn... look over there.
Thorfinn leaves Ivar and joins Erik.
On the horizon a sinister sail is following them. Thorfinn grins with
evil pleasure. He scents a fight.
Erik turns to the crew.
ERIK Break out the oars!
Thorfinn's smile disappears and he spins round to confront Erik.
THORFINN What are you talking about?
ERIK (to his reluctant crew) Come on, move it!
Most of the men are being sea-sick.
MORD FIDDLE We've only just started cooking lunch.
The crew glance at Mord Fiddle and then throw up again.
ERIK Move it!
Reluctantly the crew take up their rowing positions. Thorfinn
buttonholes Erik (except of course that he doesn't have any
buttonholes).
THORFINN It's Halfdan the Black!
ERIK I know. Snorri! Get your oar out!
Snorri is sitting in position but without his oar. Keitel has meanwhile
joined them. He, too, stares at the horizon. He is a little puzzled by
this turn of events. Loki has said nothing about Halfdan coming after
them.
KEITEL (uneasily) Do you suppose he wants to stop us waking the Gods?
Erik looks at Keitel with a certain amount of contempt. Keitel is not
renowned even amongst these Vikings for his brain-power.
ERIK What do you think?
KEITEL But how could he know... unless...
Keitel stops in mid-sentence as he realizes it must be Loki's doing.
THORFINN (scornfully) So are you going to run away from him, Erik?
Erik turns to Thorfinn.
ERIK Row, Thorfinn Skull-Splitter.
Thorfinn hesitates.
ERIK And you, Keitel Blacksmith.
KEITEL But...
Keitel shrugs and turns to take up his rowing position. He is still a
little confused by this turn of events. Erik confronts Thorfinn.
ERIK I gave an order. Or didn't you hear?
There is something about Erik's manner that carries an authority that
Thorfinn cannot argue with.
ERIK Come on, Ivar.
Erik manhandles Ivar over to his drum and thrusts his drumsticks into
his hands.
Halfdan's ship is twice the size of Erik's and, as Erik is only too
well aware, consequently travels at twice the speed. There is no real
chance of them escaping, unless... Erik suddenly catches sight of a
thick bank of mist in the distance, and steers his ship towards it.
IVAR (still feeling ill) I want to die... (then, suddenly catching sight of
Halfdan's ship behind him) No, I don't!
ERIK Row! Row! Row!
Ivar tries to get into the new rhythm, but has a bit of difficult. As
Halfdan's ship gains on them inexorably, GOLDEN DRAGON glides into the
sea mist. There is a tremendous roll of thunder very close. All the
Vikings look scared. Erik, however, grins.
ERIK Row! Row! Row!
He doubles the speed. The drum beats faster.
SVEN'S DAD (shouts out angrily) We can't keep this up!
Erik grins and then leans on the steering oar. GOLDEN DRAGON curves
around to its left. Then Erik lays his hand on Ivar's drum and silences
it.
ERIK Oars up!
The Vikings ship their oars and sit there in the mist listening to
beating of Halfdan's drum getting closer and closer.
At the final moment, however, Halfdan swings his ship in the opposite
direction from Erik's and the sound of his drum disappears into the
mist. Erik's men breathe a sigh of relief... even Keitel Blacksmith...
Fade.
Fade up some time later. GOLDEN DRAGON is still drifting in the mist.
Erik has his fish-lodestone and is trying the direction, but the
lodestone is just swinging round uselessly. After trying a few times,
Erik gives up and throws the lodestone away into the boat.
The men peer into the thick mist; they are lost.
Suddenly Erik sees something ahead.
ERIK The Gates of the World...
MORD FIDDLE What?
GOLDEN DRAGON silently guides between two weird islands.
ERIK We have passed through the Gates of the World (he looks around
at the other) No we are in the Unknown...
GOLDEN DRAGON drifts on and the mist gets thicker. There is a crash of
thunder. Then a series of flashes lights up the mist around them. The
Vikings are uneasy, sensing a storm brewing. Suddenly Erik points above
them. The others look up too. They all gasp.
ERIK (hardly daring to breathe) So THAT is what the sun looks like!
Above them hangs a luminous yellow globe, its light just breaking
through the mist.
VIKING (to each other) The sun! It's the sun! Look!
SVEN'S DAD (in wonderment) I never though I should live to see the sun again.
HARALD MISSIONARY Where?
The Vikings all gaze up above them in awe. Harald looks from one to the
other and then tries to follow their eyelines. He clearly can't see it.
Magic music fills the air. Suddenly the "sun" swoops off to one side
and starts swaying from one side to another.
ERIK Should the sun do that?
HARALD MISSIONARY What are you looking at?
ERIK Look out!
VIKINGS Ah!
The Vikings scream and flatten themselves against the sides of the
boat, as the "sun" suddenly lurches down on them out of the sky,
revealing for the first time that it is NOT the sun at all but a
strange monster with a long neck that disappears off into the mist and
a glowing globe for a head, and huge chomping jaws. The Vikings are,
understandably, terrified.
VIKINGS It's not the sun! It's not the sun!
HARALD MISSIONARY What is it?
SNORRI It's the Dragon of the North Sea!
HARALD MISSIONARY (knowingly) Ah! THAT'S why I can't see it.
As the Dragon of the North Sea rises up again, however, its jaw
apparently drops off and falls to the deck, and lands on Snorri.
SNORRI Aaah!
Keitel nervously picks it up and holds it up for everyone to see. I is
a strand of sea-weed. The Vikings are non-plussed. They look back at
their now jawless monster. Harald Missionary picks up the sea-weed.
HARALD Some dragon! Ooh!
He tosses it back amongst his terrifies companions. Suddenly there is
an incredibly loud clap of thunder and flames shoot out of the mist.
SVEN Look out!
As... unbelievably... a huge monstrous visage looms out of the mist...
It is a creature from the nethermost depths of the ocean... and the
incandescent globe is no more than a sprouting on the end of its nose!
More fire shoots out from its nostrils and sends all the Vikings (and
even Harald Missionary) diving for the deck. Then the monstrous head
disappears back into the mist as quickly as it came, taking its light
with it...
The Vikings are paralysed with fear for one brief moment.
ERIK Row! ROW!
They all scramble for the oars in a determined hysteria. Ivar the
drummer, in his panic, has set a ridiculously fast rate and nobody can
keep up with it.
ERIK Slower! Nobody can row at that speed!
IVAR (hoarsely) Sorry.
HARALD What's all the panic about?
SVEN'S DAD (in a panic, shouting back over his shoulder) The Dragon...
Harald gives a patronising smile.
HARALD Children afraid of the dark...
Suddenly there is another roar, and flames shoot out of the mist and
across the deck of GOLDEN DRAGON. One man, Ornolf Fishdriver, who
hasn't had much to say so far, is set on fire. Another, Bjarni
Jerusalem-Farer, who has and will have even less to say then Ornolf
Fishdriver, leaps out of the way of the flames and falls over the side.
THORFINN Man over board!
Thorfinn starts trying to fish him out. Ivar has started to panic and
is beating the drum too fast.
ERIK Slower! In... Out...
IVAR Sorry!
SVEN (his eyes showing their whites) We're being attacked! KILL! Kill! Kill!
SVEN'S DAD Not now, Sven...
SVEN I must KILL! Kill!
SVEN'S DAD It's no good going berserk against a dragon!
Sven's dad slaps him around the face. There is another roar from the
monster. Erik turns to Ivar.
ERIK Faster!
IVAR Make your mind up.
Suddenly the Dragon's head appears out of the mists above them once
again. There is panic amongst the Vikings as some start to row faster
than others. Screams.
ERIK Keep up the strike!
The Dragon's jaws open. Flame licks out, and down the centre of the
vessel. There are screams as the Vikings leap out of the way. Sven goes
berserk again.
SVEN KILL! KILL!
SVEN'S DAD Stop it!
The Dragon's eyes dilate and its jaws open. The men throw themselves to
the deck as if expecting more fire. But instead the creature's fangs
crash into the wood of the stern of GOLDEN DRAGON.
ERIK ROW!
SVEN DEATH!
SVEN'S DAD Shut UP!
ERIK Row!
Erik looks around at his terror-stricken crew. He realizes this is an
important moment. It is up to him to save the situation. Suddenly an
idea occurs to him, as he catches sight of the pillow that his mother
gave him.
ERIK Keep rowing!
Erik dashes to his sea-chest under the mast and pulls out the pillow.
THORFINN Erik! Row! What are you doing?
ERIK (holding up the pillow) It saved my father!
Erik starts to shin up the mast.
SNORRI Barmy.
Sven's dad is desperately holding Sven back.
SVEN'S DAD HOLD it! HOLD it in!
SVEN DEATH TO DRAGONS!
ERIK Row!
SNORRI Has anyone told him we've got a dragon eating our boat?
Erik has reached the top of the mast and is now right up with the
incandescent globe on the end of the long stalk that grows onto the
monster's nose. He grabs hold of it and swings across onto the
monster's nose. At his moment Sven breaks free of his dad and throws
himself onto one of the Dragon's teeth.
SVEN Red mist!
He bangs his head against the monstrous denture. Sven's dad looks
heavenward in despair.
Cut to Harald Missionary who is offering his bible to the petrifies
Vikings in the prow.
HARALD It's at time like this that you'll find this book MOST useful,
you know...
Keitel takes the bible from him and hits him over the head with it.
KEITEL Row! You idiot!
The monster's eyes dilate wildly as they try to focus on the tiny
figure of Erik on its snout. Erik shoves the pillow up one of the
Dragon's nostrils. Snorri watches Erik incredulously. He shakes his
head.
SNORRI His father went crazy too... Used to take forty winks in the
middle of a battle...
Thorfinn frowns - he has a glimmering of an idea of what Erik is doing.
Erik now plunges his sword through the pillow in the Dragon's nostril,
and feathers immediately fly into the air.
ERIK Now... take a deep breath.
The Dragon goes cross-eyed, trying to see what's going on on its snout.
ERIK Go on! Breathe in, you cod-brain!
Meanwhile the Dragon's tongue suddenly licks out around its tooth. Sven
instantly slices through it with his sword. The bright blood spurts,
like bursting a sausage. The Dragon gives an agonized roar and a sharp
intake of breath. The feathers that have leaked out from the pillow are
instantly sucked inside and the whole pillow disappears right up the
Dragon's nose.
For a moment everyone holds their breath. The Dragon's eye dilate
wildly. Then it wrinkles its snout. Then it starts what is unmistakably
a sneeze.
THE DRAGON OF THE NORTH SEA Ah... ah... ah...
ERIK Hold TIGHT!
THE DRAGON OF THE NORTH SEA Ah... ah... ah...
Erik leaps back across the mast.
THE DRAGON OF THE NORTH SEA CHOO!!
A hurricane of wind and feathers blasts out of the Dragon's nostrils
and hits all the Vikings at once. Everyone is disgusted by the Dragon's
breath.
SNORRI Urgh! What's it been eating?
But the blast has already catapulted the boat into the sky, and it
hurtles through the clouds. leaving the Dragon of the North Sea far
behind. They all look up at Erik and cheer.
Shot of Erik. He doesn't look too happy.
Neither does Ivar the Boneless, because he too has just noticed that
they are now flying and the ocean is several thousand feet below them.
Ivar screams. The other all rush to the side to look too.
ERIK No! No! Get back!
Unfortunately they all rush to the SAME side and the boat tips over
with far more instability than when it is in the water. Leif and
Thangbrand are catapulted down into the sea. We watch them descend into
tiny dots and tiny unheard splashes below.
THORFINN Who was that?
SNORRI Leif the Lucky.
Others are almost falling out. There is renewed panic.
ERIK Get back!
Poor Erik is still up the mast but has been dislodged and is now
hanging on by his hands, dangling over the open sea. Some of the men -
Thorfinn and Sven the Berserk amongst them - are hauling themselves up
the almost vertical slope of the deck, trying to redress the balance.
Meanwhile Keitel Blacksmith is dangling by one hand.
KEITEL I can't hold on! I can't hold on!
Sven worms his way along the edge - at great peril to himself - and
grabs Keitel's wrist just as his fingers slip.
KEITEL Aaagh!
SVEN Got you!
Keitel looks up in Sven's eyes. He is totally at Sven's mercy. What
thoughts are going through his mind? How is he going to betray Sven in
future if he is rescued? Guilt suddenly overwhelms him.
KEITEL Let me go, Sven.
SVEN What are you talking about?
KEITEL I'm not worth risking your life for.
SVEN I've got you, Keitel Blacksmith. If you go... I go too...
KEITEL For your own sake... For the others... I...
SVEN Hang on...
The boat begins to right itself just as Erik finally can't hold on any
more, and he plummets, straight into the ship, and through the bottom
up to his waist. His legs dangle.
At the same moment the prov of the boat tips and suddenly they are
plummeting down towards the ocean. They hit the water with an almighty
splash. Erik is thrown clear of the hull by the force of the water now
cascading up through the hole he has made.
SNORRI First we're flying - now we're sinking!
ERIK Well, come on!
He whisks off his helmet and starts bailing. All follow suit. Night
falls.
Some time later.
The Vikings are still bailing out, but the water is up to their thighs.
IVAR THE BONELESS Who are we fooling? It's hopeless!
Ivar flings down the helmet with which he's been bailing. The others
look at each other. They are reconciled to the fact that they are going
to drown.
HARALD MISSIONARY (hopelessly) Let's sing something!
SNORRI Anyone know any good drowning songs?
The suggestion falls flat.
ERIK Listen! Maybe we won't get to Hy-Brasil! Maybe we won't find
the Horn Resounding... but at least we've tried... and at least
we shall have died like men.
SNORRI Like fish.
SVEN Shut up.
THORFINN (raising his sword) Erik's right! We'll all meet in Valhalla.
IVAR I don'T want to die!
HARALD MISSIONARY Isn't there ANYBODY who'd like to be christened before we go
down?
Silence. A distinct lack of enthusiasm.
HARALD It can't do you any HARM...
SVEN'S DAD What do we have to do?
HARALD Nothing... I just immense you in water...
THORFINN AND OTHERS Get lost...
The ship creaks and starts to go under. Erik picks his up his sword.
The others follow suit.
ERIK Don't let me drown, Thorfinn!
Water starts to pour over the sides of the boat. Erik and Thorfinn
raise their swords to each other.
THORFINN Till we meet in Valhalla.
They all prepare to run each other through. The boat sinks rapidly.
IVAR THE BONELESS I'm too young! Oh Odin! Not me! Please not me! Perhaps I'd
rather drown...
HARALD MISSIONARY I do WISH you'd let me convert you.
Then Erik pauses in his attempt to kill Thorfinn and looks around. The
ship has sunk, but the prow and the stern posts are still sticking up
out of the water, and the Vikings themselves are only up to their
chests.
ERIK How deep IS the ocean?
THORFINN Very deep... usually...
The realization gradually dawns on the Vikings that they're not going
to sink any more.
ERIK Wait! Nobody kill anybody!
Fade.
Fade up on the sun shining down from a blue sky. The Vikings have
fallen asleep where we last saw them - up to their necks in water.
Gradually the warmth of the sun coaxes them awake - Thorfinn is the
first to look up and see the brilliant shining orb in the sky.
THORFINN What is it?
IVAR THE BONELESS (he panics and turns) It's the Dragon again!
ERIK No.. no, it isn't...
Ivar has turned and is staring at something else.
ERIK Look, the sky is blue...
SVEN'S DAD The sun! That's it!
Ivar, meanwhile, is recovering from the amazement that has immobilized
him. He taps Erik on the shoulder. Erik turns and he, too, gasps.
ERIK Look!
They all turn to see they are standing in the shallow waters of a
natural harbour. Above nestle the white walls of a beautiful city set
in a green and pleasant land.
VIKINGS Yeaaaah!
The Vikings wade ashore, enchanted by the paradise they see before
them. All at once Thorfinn spies something. He draws his sword and they
all approach with caution to find that under a weeping willow tree lies
the most beautiful girl. She is raven-haired, scantily dressed and fast
asleep. The Vikings approach her with trepidation, their swords and
axes drawn. They glance around uneasily.
SNORRI (whispers) She's got no clothes on!
THORFINN It's disgusting.
ERIK Get her weapons.
Sven kneels quietly beside the girl. She stirs. Sven freezes. The
others look around fearfully.
SVEN (whispers) She hasn't got any.
ERIK (incredulous) She MUST have a knife or something...
But they look. She hasn't.
THORFINN What kind of place IS this?
IVAR THE BONELESS P... p...perhaps they've got weapons we haven't even dreamed
of...
Suddenly the girl stirs again in her sleep. The Vikings retreat several
paces and grip their weapons, and glance around as if expecting an
ambush.
THORFINN Let's hack her to pieces.
ERIK No.
KEITEL Well, what else do we do?
ERIK How about making friends?
SVEN (with disgust) "FRIENDS"?
VIKINGS Eurrgh!
ERIK What's wrong with making friends?
THORFINN You don't go through all the hardships of an ocean voyage to
make "friends".
SVEN We can make "friends" at home...
This conversation has woken the girl, Aud.
AUD Welcome!
The Vikings react with terror, take a step back and raise their swords
and axes.
ERIK WHAT did you say?
AUD I said welcome.
ERIK (suspiciously) WELCOME?
AUD Well, of course. We always welcome friends.
The Vikings look at each other and at their swords. They don't think
they look that much like friends themselves.
ERIK How d'you KNOW we're "friends"?
AUD Well, EVERYONE is friends here on Hy-Brasil.
SVEN Hy-Brasil?
ERIK Is THIS Hy-Brasil?
AUD Well, of course.
The Vikings erupt into an impromptu dance of joy, hugging each other
and waving their swords in the air.
AUD Please! Please! What are those?
ERIK What are what?
AUD Those things in your hands.
ERIK These? What are THESE? They're swords.
Aud instantly recoils with terror.
AUD Oh no! NO! Out them down! PUT THEM DOWN!
The Vikings gradually cease their mock battles and turn to look at Aud
with incredulity.
ERIK What's the matter?
AUD PLEASE! You don't know what you're doing!
ERIK What?
AUD Put them down! (To Erik) PLEASE make them put them down.
THORFINN Why?
OTHERS Yes, why?
AUD WHY?
ERIK Yes.
AUD But surely you know...?
VIKINGS Er... n... no...
ERIK Know what?
Cut to big close-up of King Arnulf.
KING ARNULF The wonderful blessing under which we live here on Hy-Brasil!
The king beams. The Vikings shift uneasily. They look out of place and
extremely scruffy in the midst of the scantily dressed courtiers of
Hy-Brasil. Aud sits beside her father the King.
ERIK No... we don't...
KING ARNULF The Gods decreed that if ever sword spills human blood upon
these shores, the whole of Hy-Brasil will sink beneath the
waves.
King Arnulf beams rapturously at the Vikings, expecting them to be
overjoyed. Instead they are horrified.
THORFINN That's terrible!
ERIK You mean if just ONE PERSON gets killed?
KING ARNULF Yes! (He thinks: isn't it wonderful?)
The Vikings look at each other, feeling they haven't quite understood.
THORFINN You mean... you can't kill ANYBODY?
KING ARNULF Right! Isn't it wonderful?
The Vikings are non-plussed.
THORFINN What? Not being able to kill anybody?
KING ARNULF (bemused) Well, of course.
ERIK (interested) How?
KING ARNULF (explaining the obvious) Well... for a start... er... there's no
killing...
ERIK Well, OBVIOUSLY there's no killing.
KING ARNULF Well... [isn't it great?]
THORFINN But how d'you take revenge?
KEITEL (guiltily) How do you punish people?
IVAR How do you DEFEND yourselves?
KING ARNULF (getting a little irritated) We don't have to. We're all terribly
nice to each other. Aren't we?
COURT Yes!
Aud catches Erik's eye and gives him a dangerously slow wink. A pause
of disbelief from the Vikings.
SVEN ALL the time?
KING ARNULF Well, of course! We HAVE to be.
He turns and conducts the courtiers, who chant in unison:
COURT "Being nice to each other is what it's all about."
KING ARNULF (rising as if to sing) You see?
We're terribly nice to each other
We're friendly bold and free.
We never say anything nasty
'Cause we dare not...
COURT (almost SINGING) No sirreeeee!
They hold the note while King Arnulf looks anxiously at the Vikings.
KING ARNULF Would you like us o sing to you?
ERIK That's very kind of you, but we're in rather a hurry...
We're...
King Arnulf claps and the court stop singing.
KING ARNULF What's the matter, don't you WANT to hear our singing?
ERIK Oh... well, yes, of course; it's just we're looking for the
Horn Resounding and -
KING ARNULF You don't think our singing's going to be good enough for you?
ERIK Oh, no no no! It's just the Horn Resounding is...
KING ARNULF A lot of people like our singing.
ERIK I'm sure it's lovely.
KING ARNULF But you don't want to hear it.
ERIK (changing tack) No... no... (he looks at the others) We'd love to hear it.
Wouldn't we?
VIKINGS Oh... yes.
KING ARNULF Well, you'll have to ask us REALLY nicely.
ERIK (realizing he has to be diplomatic) Er... well... we... we... would be
TERRIBLY grateful if you... all... would sing for us.
KING ARNULF You're just saying that.
SVEN Well, of course he is!
SVEN'S DAD Sh!
They restrain Sven.
ERIK Of course we're not; we'd genuinely like to hear you sing.
KING ARNULF REALLY?
ERIK Really.
KING ARNULF And you're not just saying it because you think we want you to?
Erik swallows hard.
ERIK No. (He bites the lie)
KING ARNULF Right! Summon the musicians! We'll do the one that goes "TUM-
TUM-TUM-TUM-TI-TUM-TUM"
COURT (disappointed) Oh...
CHAMBERLAIN REALLY?
KING ARNULF (apologetically to Vikings) It isn't the one we're BEST at.
CHAMBERLAIN Couldn't we do the one that goes "TI-TUM-TI-TUM-TI-TUM"?
The rest of the court look hopeful.
KING ARNULF (whispering) Not when we've got guests.
VOICE FROM COURT How about the one that goes "TI-TUM-TI-TUM-TI-TUM-TI-TI-TUM"?
KING ARNULF Don't be silly.
CHAMBERLAIN That was a stupid suggestion.
VOICE Sorry! I just thought they might like to hear something that we
can do.
ANOTHER Yes! At least we know that one.
YET ANOTHER VOICE Nobody knows the "TUM-TUM-TUM-TUM-TI-TUM-TUM" one.
REST OF COURT No! Right! I agree!
ODD MAN OUT I do!
REST OF COURT Sh!
ANOTHER VOICE It's too difficult!
CHAMBERLAIN Sh!
KING ARNULF All right. We'll do the one that goes "TI-TUM-TI-TUM-TI-TUM-
TI-TI-TUM". Ah! The musicians!
The musicians are huge, unshaven, have broken noses and tattoos, and
are covered in black oil - like mechanics. Their instruments are like
heavy industrial machinery, pushed in large vats of black oil that drip
all over the show.
KING ARNULF Right... Oh dear... (he glances across at the Vikings) I'm sure
you're not going to like this...
Erik and the others smile reassuringly.
There is a lot of coughing. The King raises his baton and then brings
it down, humming to himself as he does so. There is a most awful din;
caterwauling, crashing and banging, whining, screaming...
The Vikings look at each other, trying to pick out some tune, but it's
impossible. Ivar the Boneless can't stop himself bursting out into
giggles and this eventually spreads to the other Vikings. King Arnulf
notices and bangs the throne for silence.
Gradually the din stops. King Arnulf sinks down in despair.
KING ARNULF (tragically) We're just not a very musical nation...
ERIK No, no... It was very... er, nice.
KING ARNULF Now I want you to be ABSOLUTELY, totally, genuinely honest with
me. Did you really, truly, honestly like it?
Erik thinks for some moments and then decides to make a clean breast of
it.
ERIK No.
KING ARNULF (goes hysterically) They didn't like it! Oh God! I want to die!
The whole court looks as if it's about to commit mass HARA-KIRI, while
the musicians look rather dangerous. Erik takes the moment to get down
to business.
ERIK Your Majesty! We come from a world where there IS no music.
where men live and die by the axe and by the sword...
KING ARNULF Well, how d'you think I feel?
ERIK The Gods are asleep, King Arnulf.
KING ARNULF YOU try to be nice to people, when they're rude about your
singing...
Erik feels he is making a mess of all this diplomacy.
ERIK We must find the Horn Resounding!
The King glares at Erik.
ERIK Is is HERE in Hy-Brasil?
King Arnulf thinks for a moment and then speaks.
KING ARNULF I'll tell you what...
ERIK Yes?
King Arnulf hesitates - he bites his lip and then takes the plunge.
KING ARNULF We'll do the one that goes "TUM-TUM-TUM-TUM-TI-TUM-TUM".
Perhaps you'll like that better.
Erik gives up. A lot of throat clearing. Aud, the King's daughter,
gives Erik another dangerously slow wink. The terrible "music" starts
up, shattering the calm of the beautiful city.
Fade.
Fade up on GOLDEN DRAGON now afloat once more, riding at anchor in the
bay. Ivar is standing on guard in it. Suddenly he sees something that
makes him gabe in horror. We don't find out what it is, however,
because we immediately
Cut to Erik.
He is deeply in love. He is also in bed with the King's nubile
daughter, Aud.
AUD Have you ever felt like this about anyone else?
ERIK What... you mean "got into bed with" them?
AUD No, of course not, silly - I mean FELT like this about the?
ERIK You mean... you HAVE got into bed with somebody else?
AUD No, I mean have you ever felt that for the first time in your
life you'd met somebody you could believe in with your whole
heart... someone whose goals suddenly seem to be YOUR goals...
whose dreams seem to be YOUR dreams?
ERIK HAVE you ever been to bed with anyone else?
AUD What does that matter? But you've... you've... FELT like this
before...
ERIK It was different...
AUD (just for a moment it is Helga speaking) What was she like?
ERIK Oh... oh, I didn't know her very well...
AUD But you LOVED her all the same...
ERIK We never went to bed together.
AUD Why do you go on about that? What does it matter?
ERIK You've been to bed with somebody else, haven't you?
AUD I've never LOVED anybody!
ERIK I'VE never been to bed with anybody!
Suddenly there is a banging on he door.
KING ARNULF (v/o) Open up! I know you're in there!
AUD Ah! It's my father!
KING ARNULF (v/o) Open up! I know you're in there!
Suddenly the note from Ivar's horn rings out across from the bay. Erik
rushes to the window and looks out to see what Ivar saw previously: a
black ship approaching on the horizon.
ERIK Oh, no! Halfdan!
There is more banging on the bedroom door.
KING ARNULF (v/o) Aud! You've got someone in there again, haven't you?
Erik gives her a sharp look.
AUD Quick! Throw this over you!
She throws a shabby bit of cloth over Erik and at that moment the door
bursts open, and King Arnulf enters.
KING ARNULF Right! Where is he?
AUD Who, Father?
KING ARNULF Who? Who? Whoever you've got in here of course!
AUD There IS no one.
The King starts p
* This post has been modified
: 20 years ago
