The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 5

Life As A Poor Pensioner:
A pensioner's life is not what you thought it to be, but you will not despair
You too are affected by the economic crisis.
PROOF
You have to eat mouldy cheese.

and dried meat

You have to drink old wine

your car has not got a roof

and your bathtub is in the garden

But you will continue to struggle along and now you must protect your nose from the sun.

With a bit of courage you will survive this crisis.

For the Golfers:
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day this way:
"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk, about 7km, through some pretty rough terrain.
I waded along the edge of a lake.
I pushed my way through brambles.
I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.
I avoided standing on a snake.
I climbed several rocky hills.
I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.
The mental stress of it all left me shattered.
At the end of it all I drank eight beers".

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shit golfer".

Eurospeak:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f".. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.

if god made the apple, but apple patented it first, god should be concerned about a lawsuit.

Nothing like the new Ford Truck!

I bought a new imported Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck...
Go figure... it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers. Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant,' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him...
I yelled, “Fucking Idiot!”
Immediately, the radio responded with:
"Ladies and gentlemen, an address from the Prime Minister, Julia Gillard."

Damn, I love this truck...

THE FIRST 2012 OLYMPICS JOKE:
It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it
under his arm and walks to the gate." McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder." Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in
he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. “O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

Firemen:

A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.’
The next night he came home from work and yelled 'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off. When he yelled 'BELL 2!’ the wife jumped into bed. When he yelled 'BELL 3!' they began making love. After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!' 'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband.

'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied. 'YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.'

I'm just saying!:


1
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him ..... . . You wear pants don't you?

2
He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said to him ... That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

3
He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


4
He said to me. .... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.

5
He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

6
He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . .. They already have boyfriends.

7
He said to me...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him. . .. A widow.

8
He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed..Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Olympic commentators say "it's impossible to knock 5 secs off your personal best".....not true! I've just managed it watching the ladies beach volleyball and heard the wife's car pull up on the driveway!

Chat Up Line:
At a bar ...

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says:
"Listen here, good looking.
I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on; it doesn't matter to me.
I just love it!"
Eyes now wide with interest, he responds:
"No kidding, I'm in banking too!

Which one are you with?"

LATE NIGHT CALL TO THE VET :

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE:

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well; however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hairs .
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough
so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Land Rover you booked for speeding last week."
Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?

THE IRISH 000 CALL:

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife.

He immediately dials 000.

Irishman: ''It's my fooken wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've fooken killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir. Can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* .. *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, I've done that. What next?''

What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?

Quarter pounder with cheese.

ANAL GLAUCOMA:

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '$ 250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'OK How much this time?'
Boy - '$ 750'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for and to who?'
The boy says, 'To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..'
The father says, 'That's a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that'. 'That's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here'..

The priest says, 'Don't start that shit again you little prick, you're in my cupboard now'!!

The Donkey:

Father O’Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine Spring day in his new Ballina Parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the fresh air outside.
He then noticed there was a dead donkey lying in the middle of his front lawn. Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How may I help you?”
“And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O’Malley at St.Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There’s a donkey lying dead right in the middle of me front lawn!”

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment and then Father O’Malley replied: “Ah, ‘to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

these two guys were talking when one asked the other why did you shoot your wife and her lesbian lover the other guy takes a deep breath and replies well honestly my wife was the worlds worst cook Goddamnit it was bad enuff when the bitch was fucking up my eating and then some dike starts eating up my fucking

The Night Nurse:

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
“Well, that's great....that's just great..........some asshole's got my pen!”

Q: "Why do blonds wear hoop earrings??"

A: "They need some place to put their feet when they are having sex!!"