The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 5

Gratitude:

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.
She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.
She woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground.
She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.
Within 5 minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up.
A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said "Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied "Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday,
I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing, "Oh, thank you God!
You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD Good or What!?

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
'I don't like Chinese..'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah!
That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane!
Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah...all fucken same.

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out.
While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mum comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts.
"Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten .For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all
women have teeth between their legs. After he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over to her place.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want." "What do you mean?" he asks. "Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.
HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!" "Don't be ridiculous," She responds, "There's no such thing as teeth down there!" "Yes there are," he says, "My mum told me." "No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.
"No I' m sorry" he says. "My mum already told me that ALL women have teeth down there---Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."
The boy takes a good long look and replies,
"Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"

Take a 3rd Grade Exam:

What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9..'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, '
I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

The Nail:

Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I banged a nail into the beam above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives. Maggie takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one... right here.'
Terribly impressed by the efficiency of what he thought was just another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be inseminated?'
'That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns , and with complete confidence, says, .......
'I guess it's where you hang your trousers.'

A guy is having a drink in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: "Do you want to hear a funny blonde joke?"
The big woman replies: "Well, before you tell me that joke, you should know something. I`m blonde, six feet tall, 210 pounds, and I`m a professional athlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blonde woman sitting next to me is 6 2", weighs 220 pounds and is an ex-professional wrestler. And next to her is a blonde who is 6 5", weighs 245 pounds, and she is a current professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The guy thinks about it a second and says: "Nah, not if I`m gonna have to explain it three times."

Grandma:

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting..

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that
the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to
leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.. Praise the
Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

A Day At Golf:

Three mates are out golfing with the Club Pro.

The first guy tees off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the Pro and says, "Hey mate, what did I do wrong?" - the Pro replies "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a hook into straight into the bushes. He asks the Pro "What the hell did I do wrong?" - the Pro replies "Loft."

The third guy tees off and hits a slice straight into a water hazard. He asks the Pro "What did I do wrong?" - the Pro says "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally speaks up. He says to the Pro "Mate, the three of us hit completely different tee shots and when each of us asked you what we did wrong you gave the same exact answer each time. Anyway, what’s this 'Loft’ you talk about?”

The Pro grunts, "Lack Of Fucking Talent."

Counting Calories:

GOLF !

Who says Women Pro Golfers are at a disadvantage to Men ?

Michelle Wie - Pro golfer.

Matching lavender outfit - $2000.

New pair of French sunglasses - $500.

NIKE products Endorsements - $10 Million



That handy gadget to hold your putter . . . .

Priceless ! ! !

There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames.

So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend.

And she says, "I call my man 7-up."

They ask her," Why do you call your man that?"

She says, "Because he's seven inches long and is always up."

They ask the second girl what she calls her man.

She says, "I call my man Mountain Dew."

They ask, "Why do you call your man that?"

She says, "Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me."

They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Johnnie Walker."

They look at her puzzled and say, "Why do you call your man that? Johnnie Walker is a Hard Liquor."

She says, "Exactly."

There was this small church in Texas that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for awhile'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said....

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

Some Irish humour:

Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."
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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.
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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. "Quick!" He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."
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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on
their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?
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An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.

"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".
An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.

"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".

PSYCHOLOGY v LAW:

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice:
"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh:
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a very loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S WAY TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people."

And YOU thought accountants were dull...
GARY IS IN HOSPITAL

Who the hell is Gary ?
Well Gary is the geezer who got home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"
Gary replies "I was getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar note on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred dollars anytime you want."

Gary is now in The Critical Care Unit, Room 233. No visitors until further notice.

SCOTTISH WEDDING:

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX:

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

New Book:

A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"

Poor Lance Armstrong:

I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.