The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 5

Q: "What do blonds and turtles have in common??"

A: "Once they're on their backs - they're fucked!!"

Q:"What do you call a brunette standing between two blondes??"

A: "An interpretor!!"

I complained about my recent electricity bill and here's the response :

Dear Customer,
Just a little note to let you know we understand your anger in the recent price hike. But it should be noted that you have no choice. We are a big company and you will pay what we tell you. You have no choice We have the power, you need the power.
So sad....too bad.
We have enclosed a little picture to help outline our response. Have a nice day and keep those checks coming!
Sincerely,
Your Local Power Co .

August 30th 2013 - Canoe Trip:
After the success of last year's trip we are now planning the next for August 30, 2013 back to the home of one of the earliest Red Indian reservations (now called Native American, settlements).

You must book early, as number are extremely limited.
For just $1,750.00 PER PERSON which includes return air fare to Toronto, hotel accommodation on the first and last nights at the Toronto Hilton and the fabulous excursion consisting of a coach from Toronto to the Cherokee National Reservation, and a guided tour along the river which runs through it. Plus 3 nights on the reservation.
Apart from the sightseeing & wildlife, the highlight of the trip will be the canoeing on the river tour & for the more adventurous the challenge of white water rapids.
What makes the trip especially meaningful is that our river guide is a full-blooded Cherokee;
Born and raised in the area, and extremely knowledgeable of the territory and any obstacles we may encounter on our journey.
Below is a photo of our guide and the river we will be running.
If you are interested, let me know as soon as possible.
This trip is often sold out a year in advance.
OUR GUIDE

Her name is Ucan Tucham.
Let me know if you would like to join this years trip
Regards, SydneySinbad
Chief Beaver Hunter

i caught my dad with my gf

I've had my GF for 2 years now (practically lives with me) - small white, petite thang, cooks for me, always been good to me.

I go away on holiday for a week, come back and something just doesn't seem right. I asked my Father if he had seen anything happen with my GF and he acts clueless.

So fast forward to 3 weeks later... I'm coming home from work when BAM clear as day, right in my Kitchen I catch my Father red handed with his meat in my GF.

I was pissed, told him to get his meat out of GF and GTFO, needless to say my GF got turned off. I just couldn't get over it and that night kicked my GF to the curb.

Now it's been 2 weeks since the incident and that I've been without my GF and about 10 minutes ago my Father had the audacity to ask my how my GF has been, when he's the damn reason we ain't together no more.

Should I get off the computer and start swinging at him?

OR

Pack my stuff and be on my way.

Here's pics of my GF for you guys as I know you'll ask

http://www.flyingcracker.com/Images/gfchamp.jpg

What Is Couple Sex?:

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then
she's old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.

NEW Definition for “Handsome”:

Teacher in Chicago asks a student to use "handsome" in a sentence.

A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of our educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye!

The Bunnings Woman story!
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.


While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer,
Her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set...

When the man was finished, Mary asked him,"How much is that vanity set?

The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00."
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set."

This is why you can't send a woman to Bunnings Alone!

The wine Taster:

At an upmarket London vintners, the regular taster had died and the managing director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.
The director of the warehouse wondered how to send him away.
They gave him a glass to drink.
He tried it and said, "It's a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in large old barrels. Low grade but acceptable."
"That's correct", said the boss.
Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, new oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."
A third glass...
''It's a non-vintage pinot champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it.
"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

A Wee Scottish Tale:

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.
A Gamekeeper shouts,
'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'
The man replies,
'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me.'

The keeper replies,
'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!

Advice for an old guy....:

older guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing walking in....

He asked the trainer standing near by, "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"
The trainer looked over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted , died of cancer. She married again and had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident. Judy again remarried, she and John had five more children. After years, John passed on then then Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin the preacher thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together." Ethel leaned over quietly and asked her best friend Margaret, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel??? Her legs!!!"

The Cow, the Ant and the Old Fart:



A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.

The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's why I am the greatest!"































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn to say something.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying "So did I!"

The Irish, Gambling Blonde:

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated, and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, and not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men!

Global Facts About = Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine

I went to the doctor's surgery the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I am a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out.

I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny"

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper"

"Don't be silly," she said "You can borrow my iPad"

That spider never knew what fucking hit it.

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.

Fly in the Toilet:



When my friend's hubby went to the men's room in the Schiphol Airport located in Amsterdam , he saw a fly and did his best to 'wash' it down the drain... but failed. He figured the fly had super glue foot pads!!!

Now he knows why it was there!



Who says you can't potty train a man?

Riding the Bus:


A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out,
"Come on, kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"