The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 5

How do YOU pronounce Oklahoma ? Do you think it's correct?
There is a right way and a wrong way to pronounce Oklahoma .
If you say OK...LAHOMA, you're WRONG.
The proper way is:
OKLA .....HOMA. There's a gap between the 'a' and the 'h'.
I can prove it.......................

There, you learned something today!

Coming To Get You:
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.' He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?'' Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'
Clearing his throat, he stammered... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me.'

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES:
English I Love You
Spanish Te Amo
French Je T'aime
German Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese Ai Shite Imasu
Italian Ti Amo
Chinese Wo Ai Ni
Swedish Jag Alskar Dig
Lithuanian As Tave Meliu
Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Idaho, and Australia-Queensland. Nice Tits...Get in the Truck

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender:

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him 'I've got problems.
Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared.
I think I'm going crazy!
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.
'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll think about it,' I said.
Six months later, I met the doctor on the street.
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is over Twelve Thousand dollars! A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I bought me a new Pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a Bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!'


STAY AWAY FROM THE SHRINKS..

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER

Member of Parliament:

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to Heaven,' says St. Peter.. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit Heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The Devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
What happened?'
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... ...
Today you voted.'

Since I Retired:

Since I retired, I have been searching for that "just right" volunteer job. I just want to give back to the community a little something. I have looked around a long time & think I might have found it. It had to be one where I didn't feel like it was a chore. Something enjoyable. Something a little different from the ordinary day-in, day-out routine. At last I am truly comfortable being a volunteer. I no longer feel like my talents are being wasted on non-meaning, irrelevant trivialities. I feel good again.
I have found the perfect retirement job ...

It’s only $12.00 an hour, but that’s OK. I would have payed more if they asked.

Prince Charles & Camilla's Wedding Night;


Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, they are killing me.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour. But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! but it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on, give it all you've got ' she cried

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'


Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this one's even tighter' ..

At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man.

I got home from bowls the other day and found the missus had left a post-it note on the fridge saying
"It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at mums for a while"
I opened it, the light came on, the beer was well chilled.

Fuck knows what she was on about?

Politicians, go figure

Computer Repair:

Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service: What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service: Mouse? ... Printers don't have a mouse!!!
Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really? ... I will send a picture.

No emails for the next 2 days, please:
Sorry, for the next 2 days I won’t be able to send or respond to E-mails.
A friend is painting the ceilings in my house.

I was asked to stabilize the ladder and give Technical advice.

Also, do you think five coats is enough?

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Don't wait up.

Male Logic:

Angela: Do you drink?
Ol' Jim: Yes.
Angela: How much a day?
Ol' Jim: Three 6 packs.
Angela: How much does it cost per 6 pack?
Ol' Jim: About $10.00.
Angela: And how long have you been drinking?
Ol' Jim: 15 years.
Angela: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Ol' Jim: Correct.
Angela: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Ol' Jim: Correct.
Angela: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Ol' Jim: Do you drink?
Angela: No.
Ol' Jim: So where's your fucking Ferrari then?

Rehab Exercises for Seniors:

My doctor started me on a rehab exercise program.
I am walking with a walking therapist every day.
I never knew walking with someone else was such an incentive.
We don't talk much during the walk, though.
My therapist walks about 2 metres ahead of me and sets the pace, as directed by my doctor.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

So far, I have followed her for 27 km without even using my cane!
I am feeling better each mile and my heart condition,
my blood pressure and my breathing seem to be improving.
I have fun where ever we go excepts she does fart a bit!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes, I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker .

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'