The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 5

Forgot My Glasses:

Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me," and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys.
I did this, and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.
I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 79 years old, and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her. She fainted.

Took me 50 years but I found where she went. Just thought you'd like to know ...
Remember the words from the song... "Where have all the flowers gone?...long time passing.... "
Have you ever wondered what happened

to all those really cute and crazy, good-looking, barefoot, young hippie chicks

who didn't wear bras, smoked weed, got tattooed,

and had sex with every guy they met during that great Age of Aquarius back in the 60's?
Well, wonder no more!







Kinda gets you tingly all over, doesn't it ?? ! ! ! ;

A Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. . ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Sexual Harassment:

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore and takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Ben , ...... The dwarf"

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!:

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."*

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls:

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We’ve all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.

Both result in death.

Golfing Story:

Even if you don't play golf you might like this one. . ...
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good, I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still beat them with an even par round. They were totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out.. She was again very pleasant and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again, but each man harboured a burning desire to beat her..
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you decide if you're going to play right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy," she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed."
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's pointing straight up?"

She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

It's Hell to be Old !
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow..'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing..
'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open..'

"Morning Sex"

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T'-shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Thanks for the laughs.

Bear and the Rabbit:

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods one day and come across a lamp. The bear picks it up and a genie comes out.
"I grant each one of your three wishes!" the genie announces. "However, you can only have one wish a day. Since the bear found me, he can go first."
"Okay," the bear started. "I wish all the other bears in this wooded area were females."
The genie claps his hands and says "granted!"
The next day the bear comes back to the genie and says, "that was awesome! I wish all the other bears in this country were females!"
The genie claps his hands again and says, "granted!"
The next day, the bear comes back. "Oh, this is too much fun!" he exclaims to the genie. "My final wish is I wish all the other bears in the WORLD were females!"
The genie, of course, claps his hands and says "granted!" The bear wonders off and goes to have his fun.
The genie turns to the Rabbit. "Your turn, little one. What is your first wish?"
The rabbit looks up at the genie and says, "that bear that was just here for his final wish, I wish he was gay."

The wife and the milk man:

Morning came and the it was time for the milk man to make his daily rounds. He came to his last stop of the day and knocked on the door. The woman answers and invites him in. She had breakfast on the table and ask him to join her. After breakfast she convinces him to come upstairs with her. She proceeds to rip his uniform off him and takes of her clothes and has the most amazing sex with him he has ever had in his life. After they were finished they got dressed and went downstairs. She opened her purse and gave him a dollar. The milk man looks at her dumbfounded and says, "wait a second! You just fucked my brains out and you're giving me a dollar?! What's this all about?!"
The lady confessed, "well, I asked my husband this morning what I should give the milk man. He said, 'oh, fuck him and give him a dollar!' Breakfast was my idea."

Baseball Buddies!

Sam and Dean were best of friends as well as two of the biggest baseball fans the world has ever seen.
All of their lives, Sam and Dean would talk about baseball. They went to all the games they could get to. They even made a pact, as kids, that when one of them dies - the other will return to tell him if heaven has baseball games.
One night, after watching the yankee victory, Sam happily dies. A few night later, his buddy Dean wakes up to a familiar sound - it's Sam, and he's talking to him from beyond.
"Sam, is that you?" Asks Dean.baseball
"Sure is, buddy!" replies Sam.
"Wow this is amazing!" exclaims Dean. "So, please tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," answers Sam. "I have some good news and bad news for you. Which would you like to hear first?"
"Give me the good news first."
"Ok, well the good news is that the answer is yes, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's incredible! So what's the bad news, then?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."