The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat
things. 1st little boy says, "Alligator". "Very good, that's a big
word". 2nd boy says, "Predator". "Yes, that's another big word".
Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss". After nearly falling off her chair,
she says, "That's a big word, but it doesn't eat anything." "Well my
sister has one and she says it eats batteries!"

A little girl's prayer at Christmas. "Santa, please send lots of cloths for all the poor naked girls on Daddy's Computer"

Medical Distinction Between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking there is No difference in the outcome.

Both result in death

Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them) ..usually
can find leftover popcorn after a movie ..can always carry a little
extra cash ..always float better ..know where to look first for lost
earrings ..rarely lack for a slow dance partner ..have a place to
set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner ..never have
to buy a car with airbags ..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger ..find that dribbled food makes it to the
napkin on their lap ..can always see their toes and shoes ..can
sleep on their stomachs ..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel
of small cars ..know that people can read the entire message on
their T-shirts ..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle ..can
take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves
out ..never be accused of having implants.

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora', because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador', because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

Harrods:
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well!
Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers,
"Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

Six Short Stories For Men, By Men

ONE
I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy
crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Mourning?."
He said, "No, just taking a shit."

TWO
When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked
Him to forgive me.

THREE
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting,
"Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and
yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If
you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That
would hurt too much'."

FOUR
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual
checkup.. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why
and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

FIVE
I was walking down the road and saw my Afghani neighbor Abdul
standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet. I
shouted up to him, "What's wrong, Abdul? Won't it start?"

SIX
My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and
said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on
all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over
and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after
that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies.

The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been
informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company." "That
sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big
bosses on relations with their secretaries?" "I'm not sure yet," he
answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a
reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was
told if they ever wanted my fuckin, advice, they'd let me know."

================================================================


There was an announcement in our homeowners association bulletin of
a meeting of the local Premature Ejaculators Anonymous group at the
clubhouse at 8 PM Wednesday. I decided to go and see what the group
was like. I walked into the clubhouse meeting room just before 8:00
that evening and found the room completely empty. It was then I
realized that I came too soon.

Letters to the Milkman:

"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one."

"Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk."

"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it"

"Milkman please close the gate behind you because the birds keep pecking the tops off the milk."

"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."

"Sorry about yesterdays note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but the other way round."

"When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.."

"Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last nights 'Big Brother' . If you saw it, will you tell me what happened."

"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver or do I have to shake the bottle."

"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me."

"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."

"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."

"My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo tonight."

"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote this note yesterday....or is it today ?"

"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS.. Don't leave any milk."

"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until further notice."

Cannibals Employed By Marines:
Five cannibals were employed by Marines as scouts and translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II.
When the Commanding Officer of ground forces welcomed the cannibals he said,
"You're all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the
Marines are eating. But please don't indulge yourselves by eating a Marine."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the C.O. returned and said, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our
Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads 'no'. After the C.O. left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, "Which of you
idiots ate the Sergeant?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied,
"You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Lieutenants, Captains, and Majors and no one noticed anything,..... then YOU had to
go and eat an NCO!"

nice Sinbad XP

Best Headache Joke:
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache!'
'Perfect,' her husband said "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.
You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

One day at school, the teacher asked the children what their parents
thought was beautiful.

She asked Sally, and Sally replied, "My Mom thinks that flowers are
beautiful."

"Why is that," she asked?

"Because she says they smell really nice."

The teacher then called on Tommy, and Tommy replied, "My Dad thinks
antique cars are beautiful."

"Why is that," she asked?

"Because, he says they are so old and still preserved in their
original form."

Next she called on Little Johnny, and Johnny replied, "My Dad thinks
pregnant women are."

"Why is that," she asked?

"Because, when my sister got pregnant, my Dad said 'beautiful just
fucking beautiful!'"

Then there was the time when Sandy happened to sit by a journalist
on a train. After some conversation it came out she traveled a lot
and always traveled alone.

"Aren't you worried something can happen to you?" asked
the journalist. "And your friends certainly must feel some concern
for you."

"No, I've never been afraid. But I should call someone soon
to let them know I am still alive. By the way, all I need are three
little words when I want to be left alone."

"And those are...?"

"Are you saved?"

============================================

Warning

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the
subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the
subject line, do not open it. It might contain nude photos of
Hillary Clinton.

The cameras are clicking away as he steps off the plane. After the
official greetings are over, and the mayor of Moose Jaw has a
private moment with the P. M. away from the cameras and onlookers,
he finally unleashes his curiosity.

"Excuse me, Mr. Prime Minister, but I must ask. I have never seen
you wearing this magnificent fox hat before, and I wonder why you
chose to wear it to our humble town?"

The P. M. replies "Well, monsieur mayor, eh, 'dat is quite simple,
you see. When I was leaving da 'ouse dis morning, I said to my wife,
'Aline,' I said, 'Aline, I am going to Moose Jaw for dah firs' time
today! Do you thank I should wear uh anythang speshal in honor of
dis anaugural visit?' And Aline, my wife, she said to me 'Moose Jaw?
Where da fock's 'at?'"

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks darling, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and I'd hate to look like a fool!
7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ever have some odd people ask you out? Never
know what to say? Here are some great excuses
you can use...

I'd love to, but...

1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 The President said he might drop in.
5 The man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 There's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 My crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 My patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns
rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 The grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and
I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian
to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of
something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 My plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 It's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the
dictionary.
44 My subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 The last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 None of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew
in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student
named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands"
and I can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 There are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song/poem coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 My bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 You know how we psychos are.
78 My favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 My uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity
bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 Having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see
if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 My palm reader advised against it.
95 My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name].
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.

The Aisle Seat:
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'
'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

Poems for You:
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.