The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

12 Inches:

An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the
black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, he said, it's turned black."

There are MANY ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say
on a date...

* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use
this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to mix
alcohol and penicillin.

* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

* People say I remind them of Peewee Herman.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* I never said you NEED a nose and boob job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice
on the answering machine every hour.

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I
wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching and farting
contest.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date
just won't be as smart as I am.

Bacon Tree:
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .. every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!

Scots humor:
Two Glasgow boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
'Ach, it's all going like magic,' says Jock. 'I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...'
Archie nods approvingly.
'Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!' continues Jock.
'A kilt?' exclaims Archie, 'That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?'
'Ach,' says Jock, 'I'd imagine she'll be in white !'

Paddy's fingers :

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.
Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2010!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

Paddy said,
' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

Tax Time ...
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand little cocks last year"

"Chicken Farmer it is!"

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners....
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get you a FORK, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from
LONDON and is certain he has a better education than any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense.
Glasgow cop says, 'Licence and registration, please.'
London lawyer says, 'What for?'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop.
Licence and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvtae come to a complete stop, that's the law, licence and registration, please!'
London lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you
give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'
The London lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the fuck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

In an American history discussion group, the professor was trying to
explain how societies ideal of beauty changes with time. "For
example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five ft.,
one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32.
How do you think she'd do in today's version of the contest?" The
class fell silent for a moment. Then one student piped up, "Not very
well." "Why is that?" Asked the professor. "For one thing," the
student pointed out, "She'd be way too old."

Morris is complaining to Uncle Yossie.: " Uncle, you gave me some
terrible financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?" asked Uncle Yossie.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, but that big bank is
in terrible financial trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the
world," said Uncle Yossie. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," replied Morris. "They just returned one of my
checks with a note saying, ' Insufficient Funds.'"

Alcohol Lecture:

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife.”

After hours Vet call;

A dog lover, whose poodle was a bitch and 'in heat,' agreed to look after and house her neighbour's male poodle while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked for me," the vet replied.

Drivers License:
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'
'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'
'OK', the little girl says,
'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'
Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'
'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.
'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.
It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'
Later that night the little girl says to her mother,
'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks,
'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'
'And,' the little girl says triumphantly!'
'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'
'Because you got an F in sex.'

Donald & Daisy


Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"
"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this,"and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says.
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan,
His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you?
Yeah, I know you are..)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!












go on have a chuckle as you sing it

Darn Funny Stuff!!

I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth grade
teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions. One kid asked,
"Is there any part of the woman's body known as the Volvo?" Which I
thought was a good question.

I said, "Only on Swedish women."

Manure... An interesting fact

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet. But once water hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen... Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction 'Stow High In Transit ' on them, which told the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T. ' (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

My Point Exactly:

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.



The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said , 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'



The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'



One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said , 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

Women As Explained By Engineers: