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The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 4

Starter: SydneySinbad Posted: 15 years ago Views: 32.1K
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#4286609
Lvl 30
Advice from a Retired Husband:

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
#4286610
Lvl 7


Thank You Sir !
#4286611
Lvl 30
Dentist Visit:

The dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.

"I can't do the gas thing.. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
#4286612
Lvl 30
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland , UK

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS AND GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
#4286613
Lvl 22
good one Syd!


(I'm seeing if this one of yours fits here)

Beer V Pussy
#4286614
Lvl 22
It does, very funny joke

Thanks Syd !!!
#4286615
Lvl 30
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. He looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear
falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
* This post has been modified : 15 years ago
#4286616
Lvl 30
California Love Story:


A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ....
"I Really Miss Mine"
#4286617
Lvl 15
Quote:
Originally posted by SydneySinbad

California Love Story:
[ Link ]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because ... She Replied ....
"I Really Miss Mine"


thats very similar to the one where the girl has a picture of a boy on the side of her bed and the bloke after sleeping with her said why do you keep a picture of your ex boyfriend by the bed? Thats not my boyfriend its just to remind me of how goodlooking i used to be
#4286618
Lvl 30


My name is Fred, just Fred !

A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

‘Fred,’ he replies.
‘Fred what?’ the officer asks.
‘Just Fred,’ the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The Officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. ‘Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?’
The biker replies, ‘It’s a long story, so stay with me.’ I was born Fred Dingaling.. I know — a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college,
medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am just Fred.’
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
#4286619
Lvl 30
Nag Nag:

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a Stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have
you been?
Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay
of execution after all.
Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
#4286620
Lvl 30
Biker's Bar:

I called your house the other day and was told you were down at your favorite biker bar with some friends.
I wasn't sure where that was, but was told I wouldn't have much trouble finding it.
Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was...




There is nothing like the feel of the Sun on your face and the wind in your hair...
#4286621
Lvl 22
Syd, the last 3 are over the top
#4286622
Lvl 30
History's top 10 times for appropriate use of the F-word:
10th - "Scattered fucking showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the fuck did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those fucking Indians come from?" - George Armstrong Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so fucking look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the fuck are we ?" Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any fucking idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the fuck was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963

AND
The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word ...
"Aw c'mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
#4286623
Lvl 30
Childbirth:
Should children witness childbirth?
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a torch high over her mummy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.
The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...smack his ass again!"

If you don't laugh at this one there is no hope for you
#4286624
Lvl 37
A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers his wife
had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going
to get any sex. They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be
able to hold out?" "Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of
the wrist."

The manufacturer of a well-known tonic for people with "tired" blood
received this inadvertently racy testimonial from a little old lady
who lived on a farm in Tennessee: "Before taking your tonic," the
woman wrote, "I was too tired to hoe the fields or pick the cotton.

But after only two bottles of your delicious mixture, I've become
the best cotton-picking hoer in the county!"

Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back
streets of Rome late one afternoon. As it turns dusk, the
increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous.
She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come
this way before." The other nun replies, "It's the cobblestones."

What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
Not everybody has been in a limo.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blow job What
do you call a Roman with hair between his teeth?
A Gladiator.

What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
So men can be open minded.
#4286625
Lvl 30
Jewish Divorce...

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Jeff!

All he wants is sex, and my vagina is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a 5 cent piece."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"
#4286626
Lvl 30
Clever Wordsmithing:

I am sure some of the terms below could be applied to some people I know.
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, v.. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
#4286627
Lvl 22


Those are hilarious Syd, thanks!
#4286628
Lvl 30
How retired folks stay happy:

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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