Offensive Jokes (caution may make you piss your pants)

1.
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
A: Not being retarded

2.
Q: What's blue and fucks old people?
A: Hypothermia

3.
Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her

4.
Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

5.
Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

6.
Q: What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
A: They don't fucking listen.

7.
Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
A: Gonorrhea

8.
Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while too.

9. Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

10.
Q. Why do gays like ribbed condoms?
A. Better traction in the mud.

11.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

12.
Q. What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old.

13.
Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
A. Marry it.

14.
Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
A. Your ass kicked.

15.
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

16.
Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

17.
Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour. <br />

18.
Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

19.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

20.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

21.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

22.
Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.

23.
Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

24.
Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.

25.
Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A. You know she'll swallow, that bitch gotta eat!

26.
Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the<br />
same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.

27.
Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

28.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

29.
Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A. When the big hand touches the little hand...

30.
Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the house?
A. Look inside your pants; if you have a dick, it's not time.

31.
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.

32.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it

hope nobody gets too offended

Shh...don't tell anyone...I thought those were hilarious.

Cowers as he is sure he is going to get hit by feminists and Michael Jackson.

Quote:

Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

That would have to be the best one there.

those are funny as hell...

Q. Oh What's the purpose of a Jewish Football Game?

A. To get the quarter back

Max:

Why was there a timeout in the leper hockey game?


There was a face off in the corner!

haha good one...
Why didn't the blonde wanna go to the football game?

She was afraid of drowning during the wave

Q. How long does it take the French to have a shit?


A. Nine months

Q: How do you keep the Detroit Lions out of your yard?
A: You put a couple of goal posts up.

Q: Why do abused children prefer to live with the Detroit Lions?
A: Because the Detroit Lions never beat anyone.

How many french does it take to defend Paris?

Who knows it's never been tried

/

hemi nice supportive pic

Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer


12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"

11) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"

[NCO sez: this is not correct. Gagh is serpent worm, a delicacy. I might expect a Klingon programmer to refer to "gagh code", in analogy to spaghetti code, but call his computer a piece of Qu'vatlh.]

10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon."

9) "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"

8) "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake."

7) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."

6) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."

5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."

4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"

3) "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"

2) "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"

1) "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same, but the dishes start to pile up.

Q: What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
A: Slap her and tell her to get back to work

Q: What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
A: Nothing, you've already told her twice.

Hey here's something actually really funny. Go to google.com and type in French Military victories, and then click "im feeling lucky." Have fun

Q: What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?
A: They both go into children's rooms and leave with an empty sack.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?
A: One's made of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play with, and the other you can put groceries in.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart?
A: Because little boy's pants were half off.

At a marriage retreat, Aimee and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Aimee wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another, and they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'

John wrote: 'I love sex.'

That's pretty funny. Funny, but true.