This is a Serious Question..

Dump her and forget her..

She'll say she may come back but she won't.. Don't let yourself be strung along and have your mind warped.

Quote:

Originally posted by Erin_K

I absolutely believe in that adage. Both my mother and grandmothers used to tell it to me.
You don't own your gf, and she's actually free to leave whenever she wants - but also free to return, which she will do if she loves you.

Now the fact that you're so unsure about her has me concerned. Are you really in love, or are you just enjoying the live-in lover?

i am fairly certain that if she were just a "live in lover" then he wouldn't be so upset or confused

to sikon
in this situation i believe it is best to make it clear that you are willing to wait for her. and be prepared for the worst and hope for the best

Whatever happens bro, don't stop doing your thing. I know it feels like somebody punched you in the gut 24/7, the anxiety is almost unreal, and it does hurt, i know, but there is only one person who can live for you, and that is you. If you don't take care of Sikon, who else will. Let her do her thing man. I don't know the whole situation, such as how old was she when you started dating, but maybe she now feels the need to find out what else is out there. Not necessarily another guy, but just life in general ya know. The only sane advice i can give you is don't sit around waiting for the phone to ring, it'll drive you insane. Get out there and stay busy. I'm not saying go get your free yard pass on while you can, but it may be the best experience for the both of you, to see other things in life. And just remember, there is nothing in this world worth taking your own life for, NOTHING! Not that you even mentioned that thought, but i've had several people close to me do just that. It's amazing what the human mind has locked inside. Hope the best for you man. By the way, my WBW t-shirt was in your hommage!!!!

Quote:

Originally posted by Síkon.

Please, if you are going to make any stupid comments or be an ass, just leave now. This is serious to me, this is my life..However, if you have any experience with this or have gone through anything similar, please respond with your advice.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. I love her more than anything and I know that she loves me more than anything. However, we are having a major problem and I don't know what to do. I am 3 years older than here and am graduating from Uni in one month. She will graduate next year, but we have been together throughout her entire Uni career. Lately she has been feeling like she doesn't really know who she is, or if she can be independent. Basically she feels that she is dependent on me for most things, including her happiness.

Yesterday she told me that she wants to break up, in order to prove to herself that she is able to live independently, and to also figure out how she can make herself happy apart from me. She says that she loves me more than anything and that, throughout this whole process, she has never imagined that we wouldn't get back together after she finds whatever it is she is looking for within herself. I'd like to believe that, because I can honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with her, but I'm just really confused right now, and was wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar or has any advice?

Do you believe in the old addage, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours (or it was meant to be)"?
I'm not sure that I do, because this feels like I'm losing her too much, and that is completely scary for me, but it seems that this is what is happening right now.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I look forward to hearing any experiences or advice.

i think you should put your relationship aside for a bit and compose yourself. plan what is best for you in terms of your career. be successful, then everything else will naturally fall into place. you will probably find that the more people you meet when you start to work, will share similar interests and experience as yourself which will make you less dependant on that relationship for support. if you love each other that much then the door is open for her to return to you life when she has finished her education.

Quote:

Originally posted by FeFeHumHum

[reply=HDNUT]
if in fact your Love for each other is true, then distance between you will make your Love stronger than ever.

no... see this is complete shite in my opinion

you know what distance between you will do? put more distance between you.

all that it means is that it will take longer to get to each other to fuck and there will be a lot less fucking. thats what it means.

because you cant hold someones hand, or wake up next to them, or fuck them after dinner DOES NOT MEAN that your love will grow stronger... itll just mean that youre lonlier and hornier and therefore you will have the ILLUSION that your love is stronger.

the reality of the shit is that you will just want someone to cook you a real breakfast because youre tired of eating fruitloops, youll want someone to watch your shitty soaps with you because you look stupid laughing in your apartment alone, and youll want someone to fuck with because your hand is really getting boring.

lets stop fooling ourselves here. :P
[/reply]

This has got to be one of the best damned postings I've ever read, FeFe.

Sikon, I have to say that past experience - both my own, and for quite a number of friends - indicates that when one person in a relationship starts saying things like this, then that's the clearest possible indication that the relationship is already on the rocks. Perhaps that's not always true, and maybe you can work your way through this... But I don't think there's an example in my personal experience where that has happened.

It's really hard to let go, but sometimes that's just what you have to do. Unfortunately, though, the only person who can decide whether or not this is one of those times is you.

I think you would both benefit from the separation. both are very dependent on the relationship and that is not healthy. when u r in college that's very common. it is a time full of uncertaintys, go your own way and maybe in the future you guys can come together without that codependence

Silkon, your young and she is younger. 3.5 years is a lllong time for a relationship at that age; who you are and everything changes so much. A girl i dated and i went through something very simmilar at about the same age as you. And today and i can look back (having thought how you do) and say THANK GOD that happened!!! it sucked then, but i came out knowing more of whate i want and am better for it... I lost perspective after that time.

Loving someone vs feeling confrtontable w/ them is different and that is what happened to me. You say its scarry to think of loosing her, why?

Going from living at home to univ is a time of trying new things, and one of them is different relationships. You might love her but if your really serious that you want to spend FOREVER w/ her then make sure now! Let her go, and don't talk to her, go out there and date. It's hard but you just have to do it. I am guessing you'll see many things you wish were different about her/your relationship. This doesen't mean you 2 won't get back together, just that if you do you'll be stronger about it.

Just for gods sake don't let her dictate your emotions. if she wants to be apart and explore shit, then let her. just don't be there to coddle her when she is sad from someone else. Iam not saying if she wants to get w/ you then do it, just don't be a fallback guy!!! My only other advice is if she messes around w/ other guys, you do the same w/ some girls. It'll be better for both of you.

for what its worth, talk to your parrents. You like thoes sayings so remeber the one, "with age comes expierence"
GL just don't go get drunk and feel gloomy. nothing is less attractive than a drunk, lonely, and sad guy

I saw this happen a lot in college. Generally always with couples that came to college as a couple. Had it happen to a few short term relationships, too. Let her go. If you make her stay, she'll always have doubts. But you need to make a clean split for a while. Let her go about and find herself and you need to live your own life. Date some other girls. Yes, I know you love her. I loved every girl I had a relationship with. You always think you'll never find another until another comes along. I don't know if that helps but you need to let her go. If she decides she wants to be with you and you still want her back good for you. But don't stress out over it and keep on with your life. I've seen a few work but a lot that didn't. That's life.

I'm trying to stay busy, it's hard. She is going to Venezuela for 2 months this summer to teach English, so I think that will be good for both of us to stay busy..for everyone who has asked, she is 21, I am (nearly) 24, we have been together since the summer after she graduated high school, since she was 18..now I know everyone's gonna say, well you guys are young, it's not really young, it doesn't matter, etc etc, and that's fine, but I don't believe that is the case. We are definately co-dependent, which I suppose any relationship is, but ours is a lot. So she feels that she needs to be dependent to know that she can rely on herself if she ever needs to...rather than being dependent on me until/if something happens, at which point it would all blow up...like now, but worse...

I'm sure none of this is making sense, my mind is just mush, but I truely do appreciate everyone taking the time to read this thread and give me their honest opinions/comments/advice. It's good to heara wide variety of ideas on this subject, it truely does help me, so thank you everyone.

Quote:

Originally posted by Atavist

This has got to be one of the best damned postings I've ever read, FeFe.

thanks atavist, just trying to keep people informed and amused :P

well i cant resist to take part here.

1.)Nikos, the motivation behind your gf's decission seems a bit strange to me. I know that a lot of students are insecure of they really want. That goes for job and love. If it's not the first, it's the second. If she is insecure, she wont be able to give you the love she'd normally give and that would put even more pressure on your relationship. my advice: go with the saying and see if it works. it's hard but i see no other option.

2.) fefe, i tend to disagree on what you've said. It depends a lot on what the the 2 people in a relationship are used to. If they have lived together and then go into a distance relationship they may have huge difficulties to get that to work. They are used to be around each other all day long and then will miss their significant other even more if they arent around anymore. On the other hand couples that have had only a distance relationship will find it more easy to move together and live together. They may have troubles in the begining but as soon as everyone got his/her "own space" they will get along pretty good. Because they know what they posses when they have each other around.

I'm speaking from personal experience btw 6 years distance relationship and now going to move together

Quote:

Originally posted by Dagnabbit

I saw this happen a lot in college. Generally always with couples that came to college as a couple. Had it happen to a few short term relationships, too. Let her go. If you make her stay, she'll always have doubts. But you need to make a clean split for a while. Let her go about and find herself and you need to live your own life. Date some other girls. Yes, I know you love her. I loved every girl I had a relationship with. You always think you'll never find another until another comes along. I don't know if that helps but you need to let her go. If she decides she wants to be with you and you still want her back good for you. But don't stress out over it and keep on with your life. I've seen a few work but a lot that didn't. That's life.

If you really want a shot at getting her back (which is a reach considering she wants to go on her own) you have to act like she doesn't matter to you one bit. If you follow her around and try and give her space but still be friends it'll just annoy her. Act like she doesn't matter and you might have some small hope.

This happened to me with a girl i was with last october-november - shes back with me now after finding her 'independance!'

havent read all the replies yet....
but this one stood out the most..

Quote:

Originally posted by Síkon.

@ J: Easier said than done! She definately doesn't want to be with someone else, or be somewhere else. She just wants to know who she is and be happy with herself, without relying on me to make her happy..

to me, to be in love...means that you somehow co-depend on each other...and the both of you together and doing things together and sharing your life is all part of that.

someone saying they need time for themselves to 'find' themselves means to me a few things..

1. 'finding' themselves is the biggest load of shit ever....just an excuse to act like an ass and expect no consequences.
2. if you need to leave the person you love and want to be with to find your happiness or find out if you can be happy on your own says alot about the relationship you currently have.
3. if she does 'find' herself and finds a way to be happy alone....why would she go back to you?


i went through this exact same thing when i was around 18...high school girlfriend
tried to let go...couldnt do it fully, she found her happiness alone...which didnt involve me..
after nearly 3 years...i walked away and havent spoken to her since..


i guess what im trying to say, is if she needs to 'find' herself to see if she can be happy...once she 'finds' it...i doubt shell come back to you. Need to talk more and find the REAL reason for this choice SHE made. I dnt buy this finding shit for a second...

Quote:

Originally posted by Latino

havent read all the replies yet....
but this one stood out the most..


[reply=Síkon.]
@ J: Easier said than done! She definately doesn't want to be with someone else, or be somewhere else. She just wants to know who she is and be happy with herself, without relying on me to make her happy..

to me, to be in love...means that you somehow co-depend on each other...and the both of you together and doing things together and sharing your life is all part of that.

someone saying they need time for themselves to 'find' themselves means to me a few things..

1. 'finding' themselves is the biggest load of shit ever....just an excuse to act like an ass and expect no consequences.
2. if you need to leave the person you love and want to be with to find your happiness or find out if you can be happy on your own says alot about the relationship you currently have.
3. if she does 'find' herself and finds a way to be happy alone....why would she go back to you?


i went through this exact same thing when i was around 18...high school girlfriend
tried to let go...couldnt do it fully, she found her happiness alone...which didnt involve me..
after nearly 3 years...i walked away and havent spoken to her since..


i guess what im trying to say, is if she needs to 'find' herself to see if she can be happy...once she 'finds' it...i doubt shell come back to you. Need to talk more and find the REAL reason for this choice SHE made. I dnt buy this finding shit for a second...
[/reply]


Before reading Latino's comment, I used to think he is stupid, shallow, and offensive. Because every time I posted, he would delete my comment. At the end, he banned me twice, thereby eliminating Alphan and Alphan1.

Not until today, I truly realize how smart Latino is. Judging from his comment, he KNOWS. He has the life and the experience. That, he truly understands how things are. His interpretation of your girl's intention is absolutely correct. Most importantly, he SPEAKS, and not attempting to be polite or subtle.

Turning your attention to the situation at hand, my interpretation is that she is dumping you. Please look at the timing she is doing this, right before she goes out of the country for two months. I trust that she is trying to be polite by giving you the soft approach. Like, I need you, but, I have to leave you. I love you, but, I have to find myself. As noted by Latino, those are clearly excuses and pretexts, and she is breaking your heart gently, if there is such a thing.

What should you do now? Keep the memory, and MOVE ON. You are only 24. What do you know about life? Why do you need a girlfriend? Please concentrate in finding a job, building a career, doing the things you like. A relationship at this time will just hinder your goals and dreams in life.

If not, what is the alternative? Beg? Wait? Give it time? Nay.... It is what it is. Either you know it now, or, you will find out in 2010 that she has dumped you in 2007. At 24, you do not have the luxury to talk LOVE. LOVE is for people who have their career, business, property and money in the bank. At 24, you should consider going for your master degree, go to the United States, start a business, find a job. Surely, you do not wish to stay in Brazil?

Trust me, in 3 months, you will meet someone at work, you will meet someone in school, and I ask you where is your ex-girlfriend? And, you will go, WHO?

Someone probably already said it nicely, I'll just repeat it...she's fuckin someone else dude. But the deal is he's kinda a bad boy so she doesn't know if he can get his act together, but he fucks great, better than you! So she wants to ride this and if it crashes and fails you're the sucker standing there with a shoulder to cry on and get on with the safe bet.

Yea I have experience, I see the geeks they run back to when I hump em and dump em

^^ Piss off

Quote:

Originally posted by Síkon.

^^ Piss off

Hey, no one likes to hear it, but let's be serious. You want another well maybe she needs to stare at the stars and "find herself"...who finds themselves? That's so bogus dude, SO BOGUS. You live your life and find yourself by LIVING not by putting shit on hold. Come on, admit that the thought has crossed your mind.

Story as it happened,

I was with a girl for 5 years, it started to break down and we split up, I met another girl almost instantly hot as hell, crazy with it and fell for her - after about 2 months she said to me 'If we dont split up now ill never have my independance and ill end up in a REALLY long relationship with you' to which i replied 'Whats the problem' anyway to cut that part short she finished me....

2-3 months later this girl contacted me after having her independance (but not sleeping with anyone else or going with anyone else) and asked if we could go for drinks as friends... obviously the spark kicked in and we were kissing in no time and ended up back at my house, since then we've been really close and sex 4-5 times a week, now the only thing stopping us being fully together is that she wants to tell her ex she definitely doesnt want him back then we will be together and an item and hopefully happy..

See independance speech is definitely not the end.

PiRo

Quote:

Originally posted by BigJ33103

[reply=Síkon.]
^^ Piss off

Hey, no one likes to hear it, but let's be serious. You want another well maybe she needs to stare at the stars and "find herself"...who finds themselves? That's so bogus dude, SO BOGUS. You live your life and find yourself by LIVING not by putting shit on hold. Come on, admit that the thought has crossed your mind.
[/reply]

bigj? do you live your life your way or do you go by a book none of us have ever heard of?
we all function in different ways. when i get pissed i disappear from civilization for a day or two.
some other people find what pissed them off and break it. other cope and move on.

the point is that no one reacts the same way to their own personal needs. no one is saying you are wrong but at the same time no one is saying you are right either. only person who know for sure is his girlfriend. and as they had been together for 2.5 years he would have the best idea as to what her intentions are. if he believes her then i think we need to trust his assessment of that and offer advice that supports his belief. we can help him with this and be there for him if things go sour. that is all any of us can do.