This is a Serious Question..

Please, if you are going to make any stupid comments or be an ass, just leave now. This is serious to me, this is my life..However, if you have any experience with this or have gone through anything similar, please respond with your advice.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. I love her more than anything and I know that she loves me more than anything. However, we are having a major problem and I don't know what to do. I am 3 years older than here and am graduating from Uni in one month. She will graduate next year, but we have been together throughout her entire Uni career. Lately she has been feeling like she doesn't really know who she is, or if she can be independent. Basically she feels that she is dependent on me for most things, including her happiness.

Yesterday she told me that she wants to break up, in order to prove to herself that she is able to live independently, and to also figure out how she can make herself happy apart from me. She says that she loves me more than anything and that, throughout this whole process, she has never imagined that we wouldn't get back together after she finds whatever it is she is looking for within herself. I'd like to believe that, because I can honestly see myself spending the rest of my life with her, but I'm just really confused right now, and was wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar or has any advice?

Do you believe in the old addage, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours (or it was meant to be)"?
I'm not sure that I do, because this feels like I'm losing her too much, and that is completely scary for me, but it seems that this is what is happening right now.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I look forward to hearing any experiences or advice.

You answered your question,I told this to a fellow mod in a similar situation a few months ago and now he is a happy man.Go with you instinct.

Do you believe in the old addage, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours (or it was meant to be)"?

The only thing i can say is that i went through something similar.

You have to be able to tell them to do what they feel they need to do or else you may, in the long run, be blamed for their unhappiness

Good luck with it, and coming from my experience, its not an easy thing to do...

I absolutely believe in that adage. Both my mother and grandmothers used to tell it to me.
You don't own your gf, and she's actually free to leave whenever she wants - but also free to return, which she will do if she loves you.

Now the fact that you're so unsure about her has me concerned. Are you really in love, or are you just enjoying the live-in lover?

I have not really been in the same situation but something similar and at least as bad as this.

Sorry but I´m completely the wrong person to give any advice concerning relationships. I still don´t know if the decision I made was right

Good luck

Now for the woman's perspective...

As a fiercely independent woman myself, I can understand where she's coming from. The fear that we are not our own person can be overwhelming. It starts to feel like you may not be able to function if the other person weren't there. That fear can be crippling. The old adage does hold true in most cases and I believe this is one of them. Personally, I look at it like this: "loving someone means wanting what's best for them, even when it breaks your own heart."

Don't get the impression that she doesn't love you, it's just that she's not sure enough about her self to be what she thinks you deserve.

I hope what I've had to say helps in some small way. I know it's not easy to lay your heart on the line, but I must say I admire you for taking the time to think before acting on this situation. I wish you the best.



Naughty

Well, you won't win by trying to hold on to her.

I think she's making a huge mistake... But that's neither here nor there.

Any attempt to force her to stay with you will only push her farther away.

Have you offered to stay where she's at? Maybe get a flat together or something?

@ Demonicmale: Can I ask, how did you find the strength or the trust to be able to just let her go? It seems enormously hard...

@ Erin K: Yes, I'm really in love. Isn't it okay to be unsure about (potentially) losing my best friend and love of 3+ years? I don't know how one can just be so sure and secure enough to say, "sure, go ahead, do what you need to do" and be confident that things will work out...that's the main problem I guess

Like NG said, I love her so much ALL i ever want is the best for her, whether it was with or without me.

And believe me, it was NOT an easy thing to do, but in my case it worked out for the best because we have been together now for over 4 years

@ Naughty: Thanks for that input, it is helpful..she has said that she wants to be with me and she never approached this as though it was the end of us.....It's just extremely hard in my position to be able to picture something that long away when right now it feels like I'm losing her and that's the only thing my mind will focus on..

@ Tarquin: Would you care to elaborate on why you think she's making a huge mistake? All sides of input are appreciated by me

Dude I got married at the end of my Junior year of college and lived with my wife all summer during my internship. When my Senior year started, we lived half-way across the United States from each other. I only saw her on Christmas, Spring Break and at graduation. We hae now been married for 11 years.

Why did I share that story with you? I really don't know, but what I can say is this, if you two do decide to stay toghether, there is no reason why she can't finish her last year of Uni and you start your career, even if it is in a different city.

From what it sounds like, she is having some co-dependent issues. Give her some time to work it out. But be prepared that she may never get over it. I've been codependent since before I got married. Basically, my happiness is based on the happiness of the person I am in a relationship with. If my wife left me today, I would be lost.

@ Demonicmale: Wow, that's great, congratulations. Mind if I ask what happened? Did she just take some time for herself to find out who she is? How long was it, what did she do that helped her come to some realization? Thanks.

@ Celsmore: Did you try to overcome your co-dependent issues in the past, and it just didn't work? I tend to have a feeling that her and I are both somewhat co-dependent, but I guess I never really thought it was an issue since we love to be together and planned on being together...Did anything work better than another for you?

Yes I do believe in that old addage but by the same token to be in love by definition requires a certan amount of dependancy on each other if its the small age differance dont let that influence ether one of you my fiance is 17 years younger than I am and we have been seperated for various reasons from time to time and our relationship has lasted for 10 years I hope this has helped you in some way and good luck!

Been there done it, went with let them go set them free, it didnt work out, 5 years later Im married to a better person.

I honestly DO understand how hard it is. It feels like the whole world is crashing down around you and you don't know why. Ask her to set a specific amount of time on this endeavor. You could also suggest that she go ahead and get her own place, and continue on with you as if you were "dating." Don't live together for a while and see if you can continue the relationship at a more distanced level. You could still call her and take her out while she tries to get her "house in order" and test out her independence. Let her know that you love her and care for her, but are willing to give her the time and space she needs.

Heres my take on this...I believe you should give her what she wants BUT be right there to pick her up if she falls...does that make sense? Let her do her thing, but make sure you still are there for her without making her think are are supporting her. Just be like her bestfriend, not a lover or partner. If she feels that this is what she needs todo, then let it be, no matter how hard it is. Its not saying that your giving up, it shows you care about her feelings more than anything else and your willing to go out and give up everything to keep her. Hope I didnt confuse you. Good luck man!!

I really don't know what made her come to the realization to stay with me, probably that i could put enough trust in her to decide for herself what the best thing for her was.

And no problem, i'm glad to be of some help, even though you are the one faced with the dilemma.

Sorry, I guess I should've said earlier, we aren't living together, never have. We've just had a really intense, close relationship for 3 1/2 years..

@ Storrmin: Under what circumstances did she want to 'be free'? To see if she could be independent, etc? Also, how were you able to just let her go like that?

@ Vinnymac: haha, don't worry, I'm already more confused than I've ever been. We have talked about if we would still talk and be friends, etc, but for me at least, it just seems like that would be so difficult..I mean, how can I go from being in this serious committed relationship with her, to just hanging out, not holding hands, or kissing, or calling her baby, or whatever...that's the part that makes it really hard for me to try and work on the 'only friends' thing.....any experience with that?

Move on... she wants to be somewhere (or with someone) else so let her go... Go find yourself a new girl and she won't matter to you anymore...