Divorced with children...

Wow, I like the input here. I hope more people jump in.. this is good stuff.

i am a new single father this is my first year, the only real issues are the fact that my son is only 2 and a half
his mother has barley seen him scince 1 year, she can only find time to come see him once every few months(she has some understandable reasons)
her family barley contact (though they offer to send packages for him)
also the mother is moving further away in a year (other side of the world nearly!) and he will be lucky to visit once a year.i fear my son will be forgoten about, and fear the effect it will have on my sons life.

sometimes i feel though that the reason these things bother me is down to the isolation of bieng a single parent,
i shouldn't even care about the other half of his family.
and should not let my son see that it bothers me, as this will effect him also.

Thanks guys! I really appreciate the feed back on this. It's good to know that you guys are willing to step up and be there for your kids. Absolutely commendable.

Yes, Meat. Our issues with YOUR exes were in the back of my mind when I made the thread, but it was not my place to bring it up. Thank you for be a part of this. I appreciate you and your willingness to get involved in this discussion.

@ faulty6six6 - I know ho much that can suck. I'm glad your kids have you to be there for them and hopefully ease the damage their mother is causing them.

@ Cooper - Who, or WHAT is it that you were addressing in your post?? I haven't read anything that it could be related to.

@ Demo - Way to BE! Seriously. I applaud your efforts with the ex in raising your son, and I honestly cried a little when I read what you said about your current gf's boy. Meat has stepped in the same way for my daughter. It takes a HELL of a man to do that. You, Sir, are good people. Thank you on behalf of all the kids that came from broken homes, and found a better life in the arms of a step parent. I was one of them.

NG - Its my belief that all kids deserve to have someone care about them, its not their choice who brought them into this world, but if you can make a difference in a child's life, you should

respect one and all, great thread!

Quote:

Originally posted by josh69

i am a new single father this is my first year, the only real issues are the fact that my son is only 2 and a half
his mother has barley seen him scince 1 year, she can only find time to come see him once every few months(she has some understandable reasons)
her family barley contact (though they offer to send packages for him)
also the mother is moving further away in a year (other side of the world nearly!) and he will be lucky to visit once a year.i fear my son will be forgoten about, and fear the effect it will have on my sons life.

sometimes i feel though that the reason these things bother me is down to the isolation of bieng a single parent,
i shouldn't even care about the other half of his family.
and should not let my son see that it bothers me, as this will effect him also.

You are entitled to your feelings, but you're right. It's better not to let the kids see it. It will only serve to confuse them at that age. Feel free to visit this thread to vent or get advice, so that you DON'T let it affect you child.

That was my purpose in this thread. To give us a place to let it out, get some perspective, hear how others have dealt with it, or just get it out of your system so you can smile and be polite for the kids.

i raise two kids that arent mine however i have raised them from an early age and it is so difficult when it comes to when they have to visit their dad. Normally he lets them down or if he does turn up he then takes them to his and then does not show them any affection and sits them in front of a games console or tv or takes them to the pub and sits them in the corner on their own while he chats with his mates.
I have been the single father as well so i know both sides of the fence. I know how much heartbreak you can create if you let kids down with promises and the fallout for the person who has to deal with it.
The time you do have with your children if you are a single parent who has visit rights should be the opportunity to make them feel special.

Quote:

Originally posted by earlyriser

i raise two kids that arent mine however i have raised them from an early age and it is so difficult when it comes to when they have to visit their dad. Normally he lets them down or if he does turn up he then takes them to his and then does not show them any affection and sits them in front of a games console or tv or takes them to the pub and sits them in the corner on their own while he chats with his mates.
I have been the single father as well so i know both sides of the fence. I know how much heartbreak you can create if you let kids down with promises and the fallout for the person who has to deal with it.
The time you do have with your children if you are a single parent who has visit rights should be the opportunity to make them feel special.

This is pretty much what I'm facing with my son. I just can't stand to watch his little heart break every time his father lets him down. It bothers me most because I KNOW how fleeting these times are and how precious. I also know how much it hurts when you're the child that's treated that way. Even when you're older and you think you're past it, it can still come around and bite you in the ass. Thanks. ER, for your contribution and your perspective.

i think maybe it will be easyer for me bieng so far away, i guess there won't be the re-occoring heartbreaks and tears.

i grew up the same way, my mum said it was the hardest thing was seeing him break my heart when he wouldnt show up,
if it is any comfort i don't remember ever bieng hurt,though im sure it has effected me in someway, i haven't found it yet and it has never bothered me,maybe it is why i was so determind to be a good dad.

maybe a bit of reverce phycology would work for you tell the guy he can't see his kid or somthing less drastic, i don't know but what i do know is that people want things a little more when they cant have them,

they want them a hell of a lot more when somone else has got them!

Quote:

Originally posted by NaughtyGypsy

@ Cooper - Who, or WHAT is it that you were addressing in your post?? I haven't read anything that it could be related to.

Well, I don't have kids so maybe should have sat this one out

Quote:

Originally posted by cooper.

...
Well, I don't have kids so maybe should have sat this one out

Ok. we'll go with that.

i know i never post on here nor am i EVER on, but i felt the need to reply. demo and i have been together for 6 years now. he has raised my son since he was 13 months old. his sperm donor only remembers his birthday cuz it's tattooed to his arm...shitty huh? he never even so much as calls. i'm not sure which is worse, calling and never showing up or not calling at all. all i do know is that my poor son is sooooo confused as to who his "dad" is. my heart goes out to him cuz my dad was the "call but never show up" kind and i know how bad that sucked.

i wish i had just an inkling of an idea how to help. and to make it worse, his donor's parents don't bother helping out either. for instance, they bought him a dirt bike 2 years ago. the problem....they kept it at their house and never let him have it. but they made damn sure to tell him it was his. ugh! well he decided this past weekend that he wanted what was rightfully his so he called them. needless to say, there was a big ordeal about the fact that they never get to see him and before they give him his gift, they want to see him. this i have no problem with. what i do have a problem with is that i have had the same damn number for 6 years...do you think they could pick up the phone and ask to see him....NO. they haven't called since january 20 when they brought him home with a broken foot...nice huh? i wonder where his father gets it from.

i just wish i knew what to do. demo is an AWESOME dad and nobody can ever take that from him. i would never have been able to deal with this without him by my side. i just wish i knew my legal rights with this stuff and how to go about ending the confusion for my son forever. i would be proud to have demo as his father from here on out...(love you baby)

if anyone knows anything about that part, i would gladly take advice. thanks for the great thread and letting me vent. i hope everyone finds the answers they're looking for. so, until next time...i'm out

I'm glad to see you, Demo's Better Half. (Sorry to use your full name, ) I'm glad you are enjoying my thread.

As to what you can do, legally, you're relatively helpless. The only thing I know for sure is that if you can convince the sperm donor to sign off on his parental rights, Demo can legally adopt him. I don't know the details of your situation, and I know it's none of my business. I DO know that if he signs off on his rights, he will no longer be obligated to pay child support. For some, that's a huge factor in getting them to go ahead and do it. If he doesn't have a support order, you may not be able to use that as leverage.

Unfortunately, I'm in the same position with my daughter. Her dad isn't even good enough to be called a sperm donor. He hasn't seen her since she was six weeks old, and I'm glad for it. I'm trying to get him to sign off his parental rights now to avoid any issues in the future. (The guy's MAJOR bad news. Abusive, heavy into drugs now, etc...) He has a current support order that he doesn't want to pay and I really could give a DAMN about his money, so I may be able to win this battle.

Like I said before, Demo's good people and you're lucky to have him, like you said. I'm really glad for you that you have someone like that in your corner. I don't know if my advice will help you at all, but I wish you all the luck in the world, regardless. Keep being a good mom. Your son will remember that, and all that Demo's trying to give him, in the long run.


Oh, and, IMHO, calling and not showing up is worse than not calling at all. It builds their hopes and crushes them. At least when they don't call, it's just one heartbreak. As terrible as that sounds, it's true.

How shitty is THAT?

My ex and I get along reasonably well I guess, as long as we aren't in the same room. I harbor no ill will for her but I don't want to deal with her any more than I absolutely have to. We are pretty much on DefCon Four most of the time though. Kinda like the Cold War, talking nice to each other and not so nice amongst others, but both knowing that at any point the other might push the button and go nuclear.

thanks. and you're right...i lived the calling and not showing up. at least not calling at all gives the kids an "out of sight, out of mind" kinda thing.

and he is ordered to pay support, but he's almost 20 grand in the hole so that tells you how often he pays. i have obviously survived with out his shitty support and i will continue to survive and it may help me legally that i keep a notebook on how often he calls and what not. (short notebook ) i would give my heart and soul to have his rights revoked and i will do so if i have to die trying. my son deserves better...as do all the kids that have to deal with this.

thanks again for your insight. and good luck in your situation also

Quote:

Originally posted by rocknthefreeworld

most of the time though. Kinda like the Cold War, talking nice to each other and not so nice amongst others, but both knowing that at any point the other might push the button and go nuclear.

I like that explanation.

Quote:

Originally posted by cyngensmom

thanks. and you're right...i lived the calling and not showing up. at least not calling at all gives the kids an "out of sight, out of mind" kinda thing.

and he is ordered to pay support, but he's almost 20 grand in the hole so that tells you how often he pays. i have obviously survived with out his shitty support and i will continue to survive and it may help me legally that i keep a notebook on how often he calls and what not. (short notebook ) i would give my heart and soul to have his rights revoked and i will do so if i have to die trying. my son deserves better...as do all the kids that have to deal with this.

thanks again for your insight. and good luck in your situation also

I hope you can talk him into it. Thanks, and back at ya.

To all of you who do not have children in your lives, or who do but are in a happy relationship:

I sincerely hope that you never have to experience the pain of watching a child of yours, or one in your care go through the emotional torment that is so frequently a part of parents living apart. It is (I believe) almost worse for the adult who is there and cares than it is for the child.

Children don't let shit get to them as much as adults do. It still hurts them, it's visible on their faces, but they shrug it off and get on with their day. It's YOU who will still be remembering what it felt like to see that hurt and disappointment on their faces. It's YOU who will have to fight the urge to choke the living shit out of that loser every time you see them.

I cannot even describe how it feels. I hope you never experience it.

Quote:

Originally posted by MeatU2

To all of you who do not have children in your lives, or who do but are in a happy relationship:

I sincerely hope that you never have to experience the pain of watching a child of yours, or one in your care go through the emotional torment that is so frequently a part of parents living apart. It is (I believe) almost worse for the adult who is there and cares than it is for the child.

Children don't let shit get to them as much as adults do. It still hurts them, it's visible on their faces, but they shrug it off and get on with their day. It's YOU who will still be remembering what it felt like to see that hurt and disappointment on their faces. It's YOU who will have to fight the urge to choke the living shit out of that loser every time you see them.

I cannot even describe how it feels. I hope you never experience it.

Quoted for truth.

Well said, Honey. I couldn't have done a better job myself.

Awesome insight Meat, I can't tell you how many times I have felt that way...

My ex-better-half decided to go off BC without telling me because she thought that she could use the kid as her free meal ticket and bargaining chip. We both live in different cities now and the kid is gone which I'm just thankful that the baby won't be raised or around her mother.

I got rid of my ex-better-half for pulling that stunt with me. She can't stand it that we'll never be back together again and that I'm with other gals. So she use to call me up and pick fights with me over pointless crap or she would make up stories and lies and then make a fight over it.

I told her to stop calling me if she's going to continue with her BS. Now she's smartened up and so far has now been behaving herself.