...in which EL posts updates from the @DadBoner twitter account.

Thurs, September 6:

Quote:

Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

.... a few hours later

Quote:

Finally in Cold One City. Nosey Lady said we all had to stay LATE today to "catch up" from Monday off. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS, YUCK MOUTH!

Quote:

Nosey Lady was so far up my ass today I asked her if she could taste what I had for lunch. Didn't get it. Dumb sow. (I had Arb's)

Quote:

Wanted to choke out Nosey Lady so hard. But, ya gotta respect the ladies, you guys. Even the pieces of trash.

Quote:

Sometimes, after a bad day, you just gotta rip cold ones and let "Simple Man" bring the angry waters up high enough to beat 'em back down.

Quote:

Man, I should just quit work. Start doin' MY thing, you guys.

Quote:

Originally posted by EricLindros

Quote:

Didn't put the boat in the water. Too bombed. Wanted to be responsible so we drove home. Dave rode in the boat as a lookout for safety.

I love this guy.

Back when I was in physical therapy down at Benning, I used to go to the Hooter's in Columbus.
Used to drink pretty heavily with my roommate. Make a night of it, ya know? Eat some wings or whatever, drink some beers, watch some TV.

Well, that ended poorly one night. After my 10th 25 ounce beer, we were chatting and stuff. And he made a joke, and I threw up. And like... It was everywhere.

Started going to B-Dubs after that.

You puked in a bar?

Awesome.

Friday Sept 7:

Quote:

Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Woke up in the boat this mornin'. Guess the battery died from leavin' the Whitesnake on. Really rocked it!

Quote:

Couldn't stand to go to work and take anymore crap. Stayin' home to focus on my Roadhouse script, get a boat battery, etc. Gotta prioritize.

Quote:

Called work and straight up told Nosey Lady I had a case of the "mega D." It was a real power move.

Quote:

Had Arb's yesterday so technically, I wasn't lyin' about havin' "mega D." I don't, but it's not really a lie if it could be true, you guys.

Quote:

Told Nosey Lady to keep my D situaish "private and confidential." Used a mysterious voice to appeal to her feminine side.

Quote:

If you're tellin' a lie (only for good), make it sound like a secret, so that idiot wants to believe it even more and feel special.

Beautiful. I had posted probably 30 of his posts into that empty space up there.

Not steamed at all, you guys. So sick of this.

Yeah, it's completely amazing that that shit happens every time there's anything time intensive being posted.

Karl's feeling a bit down lately:

Quote:

I don't know why I even try to do cool stuff. I guess I should just take a crap forever 'til I grunt out what's left of my soul.

I'm glad this got updated, if only a little quote.

It's a shame he's....shitting out his soul. Poor chap.

I'm working on automating a thing for getting his tweets and posting them here much more easily. Maybe I'll get that done at some point.

Until then...

Quote:

Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

Quote:

Went bonkers last night after the Tigers lost. Threw a trash can at my windshield. Wasn't thinkin' clearly. Now, not seein' clearly either.

Quote:

ad to drive to work leaned over to the passenger side windshield to see. Shouldn't of smashed the driver's side. So stupid.

Quote:

I gotta do more thinkin' with my brain, you guys.

Quote:

Originally posted by EricLindros

Quote:

Wasn't thinkin' clearly. Now, not seein' clearly either.

Ole Karl is a big Detroit Tigers fan, you guys. They won their Divisional Series tonight.

Quote:

STONE COLD! STONE COLD! STONE COLD!

Quote:

Bless you boys! De-troit Ti-gers! Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys!

Quote:

Sometimes, just when you think eatin' a barrel would be a welcome bedtime snack, your team wins a big one, and breathin' feels free again.

Quote:

The Tigers mean so damn much to the good people of Michigan goin through hard times. Pride ain't always in the form of a paycheck, you guys.

Quote:

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Quote:

Hapy Friday to ya, you gusy.

Quote:

Was partyin hard for the Tigs and dcided to just cruise to work, keep rockin in the bring and be to work on time. woke up in te bring.

Quote:

Man still feelin goood! could be still drunk? kinda concernning? noooooooooo. Ha!

Quote:

Man, think I smell like boozze? Might? No one knows. who cares. might need ot get a truck liqor freshen up. vodka no gots a smell.

Quote:

might smoke some cidgarettes for the smell. no booze smell with cigarretes, you gusy.

Saturday, Oct 14

Quote:

Nosey Lady woke me up on the gal's john floor when it was time to go home last night. Said, "we'll talk about his Monday." Kinda concerning.

Quote:

Don't really remember much after the Tigers won Thursday. Mighta been a bad batch of BL Nums, you guys.

Quote:

Wonder if there's a BL Nums recall in effect? Wakin' up on the floor of the ladies' isn't my usual style. Could be dangerous.

Quote:

Might have to write a letter to Anheuser Busch 'bout their BL Nums. Drinkin' 'em all night in my car shouldn't 'cause such a problem.

Quote:

Dave said BL Nums are pretty much just malt liquor for white people. Idiot. Malt liquor is for everyone, you guys.

Sunday Oct 15

(Early Sunday morning)

Quote:

I got two words for ya, Yankees: Suck it.

Quote:

Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

...(Later Sunday afternoon)

Quote:

Feel like drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

Quote:

Lions won, Tigers are on top. Man. Even had a solid no wiper today. Everything's so on point.

Quote:

Bet the Yanks wish they still had Donny Baseball. Man, he was one of the best in the biz. Any real man's a Donny Baseball man, you guys.

Quote:

Might have to get some suits like Craig Sager for the fall. Thought he was gay, but just turns out he's keepin' it funky fresh.

Quote:

Saw Taco Bell is still makin those garbage bowls? Babe needs to stick to rollin her R's and maybe get nude in a mag. Grub's not her thing.

Quote:

If your food comes in a plastic bowl, no need to describe it usin 7 R's to pronounce, rice. Shut up and show your beefers, Taco Bell babe.

Quote:

Latina babes are supposed to make hearty grub for their familia, not hamster bedding with "wokamolay" on it, Taco Bell.

Quote:

Taco Bell says you'll like their garbage bowl or you get your money back. I shouldn't have to beg after like a slave 'cause it stinks.

Quote:

The Taco Bell babe needs to strip for a men's mag and Taco Bell needs to just put D'reets on everything so we can get on with our lives.

Quote:

Man. What a great weekend, you guys. Detroit. Rock City. USA.

Quote:

Wonder what kinda tissue Joe Girardi uses? Probably expensive. Looks like he could use some right now.

Quote:

Headin' to Cold One City. When the tide is rockin', you ride the wave to 100% pure adrenaline. Bodhi said that in Point Break, you guys.

Monday Oct 16

Quote:

Nosey Lady hasn't said anything 'bout me passin' out in the gal's john on Friday. Mighta forgot about it? Playin' it cool.

Quote:

Nosey Lady hasn't really said anything to me at all today. Never like that. Strange. Nice, but kinda concerning.

Quote:

Might have to go do some recon with Nosey Lady. "So, mighta had a seizure on Friday? Ha! Good news is, it isn't serious." Keep it casual.

Quote:

"I mean, I can't be the only one who's ever passed out in the gal's john. Got any cool stories from way back?" Get a dialogue goin'.

Quote:

Nosey Lady just said, "Mmm hmm. That was unfortunate." and walked away after I asked about my gal's toilet pass out. Must be chill. Whew.

Tuesday Oct 17

Quote:

Told Nosey Lady I might have to split early to go down to Comerica. Try and pick up some tix. She said, "Whatever you need to do, Karl." (?)

Quote:

Think Nosey Lady might feel bad about my "maybe seizure" I had on the gal's john floor. Probs understands I need some chillin'.

Quote:

Just got a memo that the head honcho is comin' by on Friday. Might have to get one of those Craig Sager suits. Show 'em I'm doin' WELL.

Quote:

If folks can't tell if you're dressed like a gay, or a boss player who's keepin' it successfully chillin', that's a power move, you guys.

Quote:

Headin' to Detroit. Kinda questionable with my smashed windshield. But, when Seger's rockin', the car practically drives itself there.

Quote:

When makin' a questionable decision, sometimes the only way to find the answer is to shut your eyes & mash the pedal to the metal, you guys.

Thurs October 18th:

Quote:

Vomited in the kitchen sink yesterday at work. Nosey Lady walked in, saw me, then just walked out. So rude. What a no class sow. I was ill.

Quote:

What if I barfed 'til I was dead? It could happen. Lots of rockers die that way. Kinda cool?

Quote:

Whether I was havin' a puke death or not, Nosey Lady shoulda asked if I needed help. Hurlin' in the kitchen sink suggests an emergency.

Quote:

Took off early yesterday. If no one cares if you're losin' your guts in a sink, no on cares if you're there. Actually a pretty good test?

Quote:

Went and picked up this bad boy and some accessories. Gonna be funky fresh look like Craig Sager for tomorrow. http://www.menswearhouse.com/shop/n__menswear_/sport-coats/~/N-1z141dyZ1z140ioZ1z141wx/Ne-f_12751_12001_-1___

Quote:

Nothin' like a turquoise blazer to scream, I'm rockin' power moves from coast to coast, 24/7, 365, in the USA. Open on Sundays, you guys.

Quote:

Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

Quote:

Why are we still at work?! The Tigers are on. Sick of this slave cage bullcrap. America should be in Cold One City.

Quote:

Everyone across the USA should walk out of work for baseball and freedom right now. It's our birthright. And I'll go first. Later, corncobs.

Quote:

WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Quote:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday October 19th.

1:00 am

Quote:

Bless you boys. Feel like I could drink a thousand beers right now. With sweet tears of joy, dried upon my face. Go Tigers, you guys.

3:00 am

Quote:

Gotta give my condolences to Joe Girardi, you guys. I lost my Dad when I was 15. He wasn't around after that. Was pretty tough.

Quote:

It was just me, my bro Al and my Mom. Always had to work to make ends meet. Paper routes, shovelin' snow. Don't remember not havin' a job.

Quote:

Life's not always sunshine & daffodils. So if you can get a feel good when your team wins, grab it and hold on 'til it ain't warm no more.

Quote:

Things are tough for alotta good Michigan folks right now. Tigers goin' to the fall classic is more important than just baseball, you guys.

Quote:

You can't just take a crap on Michigan and sweep it under the rug. It's a beautiful place filled with good people. It helped build America.

Quote:

Man, I need a stiff drink right now. Kinda bombed. Nothin' goes better with being bombed than a stiff drink, you guys. Crank up the Seger.

Quote:

Roll me away. The the promised land. With the heat of a thousand suns. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TEBwq4A1wsU

7:00 am

Quote:

Pretty bombed. But smooth. Yep, pretty bombed. But, smooth. Man. Should call some babes to come get my bad boy carnal touch and make it.

Quote:

Man, you guys.

Quote:

Standin' on top of the world.

Nothing like a DadBoner update to give you a chuckle. Thanks EL.

I still cant figure out if this guy is for real or just someone who is such a genius he makes me think he could be real.

Friday, October 19th. 7:30 PM. Big update, you guys.

This is all one big series of tweets that starts at 7:30ish PM and runs through 2:30 am Saturday morning

Quote:

Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

Quote:

Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night. And took a bottle of Smirnoff to the head. 'Cause that's gone. Whole pack of cigs. And weed.

Quote:

If your team wins a big one and you don't feel like a big pile of garbage the next day, you're not a true fan, you guys.

Quote:

Threw on my Craig Sager teal blazer from Men's Wearhouse and power walked into work with Van Halen's Top of the World blarin' on my discman.

Quote:

Figured the head honcho would wanna have a guy to guy, pronto, so I pregamed some trunk liquor to get loose and conversational.

Quote:

Layed low at work to get my spirits high and burn off the booze fumes. Smelled like a tire fire made of tires of liquor. Needed 'logne.

Quote:

Nosey Lady woke me up from a power snooze on the floor. I like to be rested before I hustle for paper. It's an old trick from the streets.

Quote:

Had to go in the gal's john for a hot mustard squirt. Domo arigato, peener was dehydrato.

Quote:

Went to meet with the head honcho. He said, "Karl, nice blazer." I said, "Peep the teal. All my flavors are guaranteed to satisfy."

Quote:

Head honcho said, "Karl, I have some bad news." Told him, "The Tigers un-won?" Went in for a K-Money fist bump explosion. Denied.

Quote:

Head honcho said, "Karl, we have to let you go. It's just not working out." I work out all the time doin' 'shups in the john!

Quote:

Told the head honcho, "I'm the President & CEO of Bad Boy City, USA. And if you don't like it, I got 2 words for ya. Suck it." Did the move.

Quote:

Slowly put my headphones on, cranked up Van Halen's Poundcake on the Discman, and power walked outta there with class and dignity.

Quote:

Walked up to Nosey Lady, gave her the double middles like freedom rockets, and bailed out like a boss player.

Quote:

When you get up in someone's face, double middles blazin' with head swagger bangin', it's the ultimate Power Move. Stone Cold said that.

Quote:

On the way out, I told Ken, "Later tater. By the way, I smoked your old lady with my man meat." Thought he was gonna explode!

Quote:

Got in the 'Bring, top down, lit a cig, cranked the Stranglehold, let the double middle freedom rockets fly to glory, and peeled out.

Quote:

They won't get away with this. I'm mother f-ing Karl Welzein. And I'm sick of bein' neighborly.

Quote:

I don't even really know what I did at work anyway. Who does? Just wasting my precious time when I could be rockin' or rollin'.

Quote:

You talk about your psalms. You talk about your John 3:16. Well, KARL 3:16 says I just whooped yer ass.

Quote:

And exactly 3:57 in Still of the Night by Whitesnake says it's time for Power Moves in a funky fresh teal blazer and a cold one, you guys.

Quote:

[youtube]VFb9WhlGzn4[/youtube]

Quote:

Better recognize game, you guys. Let's roll. Kid Rock said that so America could rock free in the USA.

Quote:

Comin' atcha live, on WLZN. You're with the Captain. [youtube]06WM8oLH87M[/youtube]

Quote:

The hits don't stop, here on your Friday. It's Van Halen. Here's Poundcake. WLZN. [youtube]o1GJxVmYv-E[/youtube]

Quote:

Feelin' fine on a Friday. Let's take it way back with some southern bold flavors. WLZN. [youtube]sHQ_aTjXObs[/youtube]

Quote:

Let's all take a moment to think about America, you guys. We can do it. USA. WLZN. [youtube]aMfSGt6rHos[/youtube]

Quote:

Here's one goin' out to Michigan's own, Alto Reed. It's Turn The Page. On WLZN. [youtube]WLzGmHF-2AI[/youtube]

Quote:

Captain Karl signin' off. Have a rockin' Friday, you guys. May god bless your weekend journey. And bless Todd Snider. [youtube]B90sCOd5IzI[/youtube]

Quote:

Live every day like it's the weekend. Friday ain't always a guarantee, you guys.

Quote:

[youtube]lmCrU_RjoZg[/youtube]

Quote:

[youtube]IhYVfxHviSw[/youtube]

Quote:

We're AMERICA. Leader of the only known people world in the universe. So act like you got swag, you guys. Crap could be worse. USA.

Quote:

America should = Stone Cold Steve Austin. Maybe then we wouldn't have any problems. Government ain't that hard, USA. Break the glass.

Quote:

How America should kick the door down on the rest of the world. Might vote for Ric Flair. Could get the job done? [youtube]FCxWUKMJfEI[/youtube]

Quote:

Ric Flair for President. That's my official endorsement, you guys.

Quote:

WOOOOOOO!!! Loud and proud, right in the rest of the world's filthy face!

Quote:

America is the big house, on the big side of town, you guys. -Ric Flair

Quote:

America: To be the man, you've gotta beat the man. -Ric Flair for president.

Quote:

"I got more cars, than most of ya have friends." -Ric Flair for President.

Quote:

"America: We're custom made." -Ric Flair for President.

Quote:

I'm a jet flyin', limousine ridin', kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', son of a gun. -Ric Flair for President.

Quote:

And that Paul Ryan corncob? What a dipshit. Todd Snider knows more about what America needs than that bag of sissy garbage.

Quote:

Paul Ryan's the dude version of that dumb broad from last time. So stupid. Throw him in a meat grinder. -Ric Flair for President

Quote:

Even Dave knows Paul Ryan is an idiot. Asked him about him. Said, "Yeah, I'd kick his ass in a KFC parking lot." Ha! Probably not but still.

Quote:

Wonder if Paul Ryan knows what it's like to shovel concrete for 8 bucks an hour to support a child. Probably not. I do. What a bitch.

Quote:

If I had a hundred billion dollars, I'd pay Ndamukong Suh to stomp Paul Ryan's neck on behalf of USA women from coast to coast.

Quote:

Babes should be able to do whatever they need to with their bodies. What if a gal President told you what to do with your peener? Not cool.

Quote:

If Paul Ryan got butt passioned by a crack animal & had to shoot a sin baby out his peener, he might understand the meaning of "religion."

Quote:

Any REAL man vote's for the REAL man who supports babes. They make the world go round and round. If you don't, beat it, corncob. -Ric Flair

Quote:

I ain't liberal. I ain't republican. I'm AMERICAN. And in the USA, babes do what they want, regardless of some made up crap you read.

Quote:

Believe in God on your own time. I do. Saint Christopher digs into my chest on my sweet gold chain. But I don't put in on yours.

Quote:

I'm a Republican. But I'll be voting for Ric Flair. Ain't votin' for 2 fancy corncobs who need their ass kicked in a bar, you guys.

Quote:

So I got fired, if people don't wanna hang out with me, then hit the bricks. Like I give a hard crap. Seats are for REAL MEN and BABES only.

Quote:

Just wish republicans would endorse a guy that doesn't look like somebody who's an a-hole at Chili's 'cause they didn't get "lite ranch."

Quote:

Everyone should vote for whoever they want. Just do whatever you think is best for the USA. Gonna go get bombed. [youtube]RRzu1FFLUTI[/youtube]

Saturday, Oct 20

8:00 pm:

Quote:

Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys. Really hurtin'.

Sunday, Oct 21:

3:00 am - 4:00 am

Quote:

Man. Drank so much booze to feel better from last night's booze. Feel like made of booze. Kinda concerning?

Quote:

Jim Leyland should be VP. Ric Flair for President. Flair/Leland 2012. So money. Kiss stealin', wheelin' dealin', red smokin' sons of guns.

Quote:

I bleed booze. And I sweat the fire of a thousand suns. I'm Karl Welzein. The President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA.

Quote:

I don't know what's even real life anymore. Am I alive? So bombed. Lit up like a Christmas tree and pickled like bread 'n butters.

Quote:

Gonna go lay down in the tub. Gotta get straight. Probs put on some Thin Lizzy in the phones to get chilled out. I am just a cowboy.

Quote:

[youtube]F9f_HHV5Pc4[/youtube]

Quote:

It's ok, amigo. Just let me go.

Took a real somber turn there at the end. Kinda concerning?

It's OK. Karl will rally.

Double middle freedom rockets to the world!

Quote:

Originally posted by Karl_Welzein

GQ Fashion Tip: After a hot leaker, focus on really shakin' your peener 'til the squirt dribblins stop flyin' out your guy hole.

Quote:

Originally posted by Karl

Can't just stand at a urinal and "whip around your meat." You could send the wrong vibes to your neighbor, or get arrested, you guys.