...in which EL posts updates from the @DadBoner twitter account.

DadBoner is a twitter account that tracks the [probably fictional, but boy would it be awesome if it were real] daily life of Karl Welzein. He's a pretty righteous bro, who lives a slammin life.

He lives for the weekend.

And these are his tweets, starting from sometimes last week. I started posting these in the spam thread, but I think they'd be better served with their own thread, so here they are.


Now, you say, "If I wanted to read those fuckin' things I would just follow him myself."

Good point.

But the counter point is that he posts in bits and spurts, so it's easy to miss part of the narrative, and we want to keep it all in one place, to make it easy (easy like how those Applebees margaritas go down, amirite?!)

The last few days of @Dadboner's twitter feed have been pretty good:

Quote:

Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

Quote:

Ken didn't show up for work again today. Nosey Lady said he took some personal days. Kinda concerning. He must be drinkin' so hard.

Quote:

Might have to stop by Ken's pad tonight. Bring some cold ones. Have a real guy to guy. Ken's an alright guy. Just seems kinda mixed up.

Quote:

Happy Friday to ya, you guys. Had a weird stop by at Ken's last night. Kinda concerning for all parties involved.

Quote:

Drank a few cold ones in the 'Bring on the way to Ken's. Wanted to be loose and conversational. Ken wasn't home. Just his Oo La La wife.

Quote:

Asked if Ken was home. Ken's wife said, "Who cares. But you can wait." Got my dirty 30 of Busch. Perfect for an all night guy to guy.

Quote:

Told Ken's wife I needed to use the john. She said, "Try the yard, Gary." Told her, "I'm Karl." She said, "whatever." Seemed bombed.

Quote:

After I whizzed behind Ken's garage, I went back in. Ken's wife had a bottle of vodka out. Said, "You a shot guy, Gary?" Said, "I'm a man."

Quote:

Musta pounded 5 Mountains and 3 shots with Ken's wife waitin' for Ken. Sat down next to me on the couch. Started playin' with my pony.

Quote:

Ken's wife said, "Gary, Ken's not comin' home tonight." Unbuttoned her blouse. Started breathin' all weird. Thought she might be sick?

Quote:

Ken's wife took shot and just grabbed right at my guy crotch. Almost passed out. Didn't know what to do. My vibe must be outta control.

Quote:

When a babe is goes at your peener & veggies through jean shorts, the carnal passions possibilities have the heat of a thousand suns.

Quote:

I didn't wanna do it, but all that Busch and the shots had me crazy from the heat. So I headed for Ken's wife's mountains.

Quote:

I knew it was wrong, but I didn't wanna be right. My K-Money swag was firin' at 1,000% and...

Quote:

...I don't remember much. It was just such a blur... ...but I went all the way with Ken's Oo La La wife. Right there on the sofa.

Quote:

After we had consensual carnal passions, Ken's wife slapped me in the face and said, "Ken WILL be home soon. Get out, you piece of sh*t."

Quote:

Don't know why Ken's wife slapped me or called me a bad word. Must be somethin' from Sex in The City or that Grey book babe's read?

Quote:

Almost crashed the 'Bring 3 times on the way home. So out of it. Passed out on the kitchen floor with a bottle of Jim. Like a weird dream.

Quote:

Signed my divorce papers and dropped them off this mornin' under Ann's door. Put, "Have a neat summer, Karl Welzein." Seemed casual?

Quote:

Leavin' work. Feel like I need to drink a thousand beers right now, you guys.

Quote:

Really hurtin'. Feel like I drank a thousand beers last night, you guys.

Quote:

Mighta made a mistake goin' all the way with carnal passions on Ken's Oo La La wife. Feel kinda used. I'm prime rib. Feel like burger meat.

Quote:

I'm pretty much the #1 bad boy partier in the Flint area, and babes crave my bod 24/7, but Ken's wife crossed the line. She's in the wrong.

Quote:

Wonder if Ken and his wife are into some weird adults only lifestyle? We made it all natural. Kinda concerning. Don't want peener sores.

Quote:

When you're one on one with a babe, and the heat is set to a thousand degrees, it's still important to man bag your peener, you guys.

Quote:

Didn't tell anyone 'bout my rendezvous with Ken's wife. Just hope it goes away with the help of BL 'Nums and some DDD. Like a warm blanket.

Quote:

BL 'Nums were pretty much built for times like when you accidentally got carnally taken advantage of, all the way, with a co-worker's wife.

Shit that took a long time to copy-paste.

@DadBoner

Quote:

Jul 22

So hot. A/C is completely broke. Wanna die. Sick of this. Dave's sittin' on some TGIFridays frozen tato skins. So those are a loss.

Quote:

Jul 22

Told Dave, we should hit up 'Bee's or Chili's. Grab a nice table and settle in. Watch some tv. Go bonkers with some top shelf margs.

Quote:

Jul 22

There's just somethin' bout kickin' back in a Chili's, gettin' ripe on booze, keepin' cool, and havin' some laughs. Always feels right.

Quote:

Jul 22

Sometimes I wish everywhere was Chili's, you guys.

Quote:

Jul 23 3:31 PM

Really hurtin'. Gonna go take a snooze on the toilet forever.

Quote:

Jul 23 8:39 PM

Woke up on the toilet at work around quittin' time. Heard Ken in the other stall arguin' with his wife on the phone. Kinda concerning.

Quote:

Jul 23 8:41 PM

Fired off a double flush like I just finished up a long moan & groaner and got the rock outta there. Real covert ops, in the john style.

Quote:

Jul 23 8:47 PM

Don't think Ken knows 'bout my rendezvous with his Oo La La wife. He probably woulda said somethin'? Unless he's gonna jump me.

Quote:

Jul 23 8:54 PM

Still kinda banged up from Chili's with Dave. Top Shelf Margs were goin' down so smooth. Musta had 7 before I lost count.

Quote:

Jul 23

Never understood why people count how many drinks they have. A real man drinks by body feel. More natural. Boozin' ain't math, you guys.

Quote:

Jul 23

Sometimes, stuff that makes you feel like you're livin life to the fullest (Chili's), also makes you feel like you're dying the next day.

Quote:

Jul 24 6:21 PM

Worried 'bout Ken. He's been spendin alot of time in the john. And, it's kinda MY special spot. Mighta heard crying today. Kinda concerning?

Quote:

Jul 24 6:28 PM

Nothin sadder than hearin a man whimper on the toilet when you're tryin' to get a nap in the next stall. Should be a country song bout that.

Quote:

Jul 24 6:36 PM

If ya gotta let loose with the eye drips, the only acceptable place for a man to do it is on the toilet, you guys.

Continuing with my DadBoner updates:

Quote:

Ken was in the john stall AGAIN today. Really crampin' my style. The Fonz didn't share his office with somebody else. Had to reach out.

Quote:

Passed Ken a note on some TP. Said, "Guy to Guy. Chili's. 7pm, kimosabe." Didn't say nothin' back, but I think "kimosabe" showed importance.

Quote:

Don't think I should say anything 'bout havin' carnal passions with Ken's wife, but when a pal's in trouble, you gotta show you care.

Quote:

Don't want Ken to kill himself or nothin'. Way things are around here, we probably wouldn't even get a day off. It'd be a waste of a life.

OH EM GEEZ. i love when you post these in the spam thread, i have to read all of them every time


Official Dadboner thread.

Winning.

Tweets from Thurs, July 26

Quote:

Really lookin' forward to the weekend, you guys.

Quote:

Ken never showed at Chili's. Didn't come to work either. Kinda concerning. Hope he's not dead. Had a blast at Chili's though! So money.

Quote:

Why would you kill yourself when Chili's has their 2 for $20 menu, givin' you TWO reasons to live at an incredible value?

Quote:

When you call the Suicide Hotline, they should just say, "Slow down, corncob. Have you tried Chili's? What's your problem?"

Quote:

Don't know what happens when we die, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't involve Top Shelf Margs at Chili's. Bein' alive is important, you guys.

I'm a fan of this...and all the Emma Stone gifs.

Dude uhh...dude slammed Kens wife. LAB.

Tweets from Friday, July 27

Quote:

Got up to push out a stinky and ate a whole can of Sour Cream & Onion Pringles in the john. Guess Dave left 'em in there. Too bad, so sad.

Quote:

Bein' divorced means you can eat 4am Pringles on the toilet, like a grown adult, r-o-c-k-in' the USA, should be able to, you guys.

Quote:

Happy Friday to ya, you guys.

Quote:

Ken don't look so hot. Like when the Joker poisoned the water and people all looked like greasy dog crap and europeans.

Quote:

Gotta force Ken to come out tonight. Get him real bombed. Might wait by his car. Really get in his face 'bout lookin' like garbage.

Quote:

If a pal's down in the dumps and their life's outta control, do right thing and take 'em out to get trashed like never before, you guys.

Quote:

Swiped Ken's keys so when he wants to go home, he'll have to get a ride from Cpt. Karl on the S.S. Celebraish. Destination: Cold One City.

Quote:

Originally posted by Honda_X

Dude uhh...dude slammed Kens wife. LAB.

Raw. He forgot to bag it up because the carnal heat was set to 1000 degrees.

His K-Money swag was also firin' at 1,000%.

Saturday, July 28

Quote:

Woke up on the sidewalk outside of the pad this mornin'. Pretty cool?

Quote:

Wonder what happened to Ken last night? Don't remember much after we ran into Crazy Cooter in the 'Bee's parkin' lot. Went kinda bonkers.

Quote:

The best thing about not rememberin' the night before, is that it's a memory you can't forget, you guys.

Quote:

Feel like I don't know things today. How to do talking, words, etc. Cracked a cold one. Gotta get the think brain makin'.

Quote:

Ever feel like you could just float away? Just, "Bye! Gonna go take a crap on the sky, you guys." Jeez.

Quote:

Gonna take a few cold ones and lay down on the front lawn. Feels right. Just stay there until forever never comes.

Sunday July 29th (a rare down day for K-money)

Quote:

Woke up on the front lawn this mornin'. Either a dog took a big crap on me or some kids put it there. Both options are kinda concerning.

Quote:

Wakin' up with a big log o' dog doo on your chest lets you know it's time to instigate a "light beer only" rule for awhile, you guys.

Quote:

Just need to be alone for awhile. Do some thinkin'. Wakin' up covered in dog crap?! Man. C'mon, Welzein. That's not how you roll.

Quote:

Originally posted by EricLindros

Quote:

The best thing about not rememberin' the night before, is that it's a memory you can't forget, you guys.

Monday, July 30:

Quote:

Just got the 411 from Ken 'bout what happened Friday. Sounds like we rocked it!

Quote:

Ken said, "Karl, you refused to take me home until I drank some of the hot liquor you had in your trunk, after I coughed it up, you drank...

Quote:

...the rest of the bottle, and kept sayin' stuff like 'so smooth' about 20 times and callin' me 'Kimosabe Kenno.'" Sounds pretty cool?

Quote:

Ken told me, "You wouldn't turn down the radio and drove all the way to Applebee's at 15 mph 'cause, 'Safety 1st on the S.S. Celebraish."

Quote:

"When we got to Applebee's, you did about 6 laps around the parking lot, openly drinkin a warm beer, and singin along to Hollywood Nights...

Quote:

...at the top of your lungs with the top down on your car. I BEGGED you to take me home, but you just said...

Quote:

...'Shut up and peep the babes, Kimosabe Kenno.' Then a maniac dove on top of your car and screamed, 'Let's get some cooze motherf@cker!'

Quote:

I thought you were going to get murdered when you got out of the car, but apparently you knew that 'Cooter' guy. You drank MORE...

Quote:

...hot liquor out of your trunk, parked terribly. Then, just wandered off! I had to walk home! My wife is already upset with me...

Quote:

...and I showed up really late, soaked in sweat, smellin' like booze, and missing my keys! THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED ON FRIDAY!...

Quote:

...SO BACK OFF KARL!" Man. Sounds like a blast! Ken needs to learn a thing or 2 'bout the Bold Bad Boy Lifestyle. He'll get there.

Quote:

Originally posted by EricLindros

(easy like how those Applebees margaritas go down, amirite?!)

Like a fuckin boss.

Quote:

Originally posted by EricLindros

Quote:

"When we got to Applebee's, you did about 6 laps around the parking lot, openly drinkin a warm beer, and singin along to Hollywood Nights...

This really is a must read thread. Fucking hilarious.

July 31

Quote:

Whoa. Just found out Ken got in a car accident last night. Guess he's ok, just a broken arm. But'll takin' some time off. Pretty cool?

Quote:

Might have to stop by Ken's after work. Sign his cast. Wanna be the first one, get the primo real estate. Gotta work on what I'm gonna put.

Quote:

Ken's been stressed out lately. Probably shouldn't have been behind the wheel. It's dangerous. Why I don't mind relaxin' with a cold one.

Quote:

Who do you want on the roads; an angry maniac? Or a guy who's rockin' out, enjoyin' an ice cold Busch responsibly, lookin' out for others?

Quote:

Drinkin' THEN drivin' is wrong. But on a short 15 min. trip, if you START drinkin' in the car, you'll be fine by your destination, you guys.

Quote:

Heard drinkin' at work is still cool in Europe. Must be less stressful when you don't have to sneak it in the john or at lunch.

Quote:

Imagine how much less people'd hate their jobs if everyone knew that at 3pm, you got to have a "2 Cold One Break?" The USA'd be unstoppable.

Quote:

Nobody wants to work with a corncob who pounds a 3pm energy drink then "tries" like they "care." Gimme someone relaxin after a couple brews.

August 1:

Quote:

Stopped by Ken's after work yesterday. Looks real bad. Broken arm, 2 black eyes. Like Dalton from Roadhouse had his way with him.

Quote:

So I told Ken, "Man, you look like you got hit by a car made outta Dalton from Roadhouse." He said. "Get out, Karl." Musta never seen it?

Quote:

Told Ken I just wanted to sign his cast, guy to guy. Just turned his head and moaned. Some people in seething pain don't like attention.

Quote:

Drew a big rack of chest beefers on Ken's cast and wrote, "Donations Accepted." So money. Nothin' sweeter than sympathy beefers, you guys.

Quote:

Ken just stood up and went to the john. Waited for about an hour. Didn't come out. Made a grilled cheese. My Captain Karl's GC is on point.

Quote:

When you catch the aroma of my Captain Karl's Cheese Grillins, most folks come flyin' outta the john for a taste while it's hot 'n fresh.

Quote:

Wonder where Ken's Oo La La wife was? Probably can't stand to see her man destroyed. Understandable. Kinda glad too, due to our rendezvous.

Quote:

If you had carnal passions with a pal's wife, best to keep a distance if he gets crippled. That's when they crave seconds on 100% all beef.

Quote:

Might have to stop back by Ken's again with my copy of Roadhouse. Kinda concerned that he's never seen it. Could hardly sleep.

Quote:

If you've never seen Roadhouse, pretty sure your peener and veggies could just fall off at any second. That's an almost fact, you guys.

Quote:

Shovin' a gun in someone's face to make 'em watch Roadhouse is probably legal if it's not loaded. Unloaded = concerned. Loaded = maniac.

Quote:

They should remake Roadhouse with Guy Fieri as "Guy Cooler." Could be a smash hit? "Pain don't hurt, it's off the chain."

Quote:

Goin' in the john to start on a script for the Guy Fieri, "Roadhouse" remake. Always wanted to be a Hollywood big shot. And I know action.

A little later...

Quote:

Whoa. The olympics started?! When'd that happen? They should do better publicity. Maybe put it on beer cans for people who have a life.

Quote:

Feel bad I haven't been supportin' the games. Gotta get involved. 'Course, I like to think I'm on Team USA, 24/7, 365. Open on Sundays.

haha