The Wordsmith Thread

Optirectumy - A surgical procedure severing the nerve connecting the eye with the rectum to prevent the patient from having a shitty outlook.

Quote:

Originally posted by Honda_X

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Huh...now we kinda look like assholes.

With our various iProducts.

Well, technically, just you. Because mine hasn't gotten here yet.

It has now, suckafool.

A lady who was flattered to have a rose named after her changed her mind when she saw the description of the rose in a gardener’s catalogue. Against her name it said: ‘shy in a bed but very vigorous against a wall.’

– Leslie Dunkling, The Guinness Book of Names, 1993

At a tavern one night,
Messrs. Moore, Strange, and Wright
Met to drink and their good thoughts exchange;
Says Moore, “Of us three,
Everyone will agree,
There’s only one knave, and that’s Strange.”

Says Strange, rather sore,
“I’m sure there’s one Moore,
A most terrible knave, and a fright,
Who cheated his mother,
His sister and brother–”
“Oh, yes,” replied Moore, “that is Wright.”

– Anonymous

"Treason doth never prosper: what’s the reason?
Why, if it prosper, none dare call it treason."

nake
v. to make naked

Mmmm might use that.

“I think, therefore Descartes is.” - Saul Steinberg

René Descartes is sitting in a bar. The bartender asks him if he’d like another drink. He says, “I think not” - and vanishes.

There was a young student called Fred
Who was questioned on Descartes and said:
“It’s perfect clear
That I’m not really here,
For I haven’t a thought in my head.”

- V.R. Ormerod

Sexauer is an ordinary German name referring to one who came from Sexau, in Germany. Looking for a Mr. Sexauer, a man in Washington called at the Senate Interstate and Foreign Commerce Committee. Helping him, a girl employee called the Banking and Currency Committee by telephone to check, and inquired politely, ‘Do you have a Sexauer over there?’

‘Listen,’ the girl switchboard operator snapped, ‘We don’t even have a ten-minute coffee break anymore.’

– Elsdon C. Smith, Treasury of Name Lore, 1967

ladify
v. to make a lady of someone

“I have never thought much of the courage of a lion tamer. Inside the cage he is at least safe from other men. There is not much harm in a lion. He has no ideals, no religion, no politics, no chivalry, no gentility; in short, no reason for destroying anything that he does not want to eat.” — George Bernard Shaw

absquatulate
v. to leave abruptly

abligurition - excessive spending on food and drink

Quote:

Originally posted by EricLindros

absquatulate
v. to leave abruptly

I miss em.

In skating over thin ice, our safety is in our speed. - Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

The noblest of dogs is the hot dog, it feeds the hand that bites it.

If your name was homework, I would be doing you on my desk right now.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

Children in the dark cause accidents, accidents in the dark cause children.

If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

I got cold hard cash for Christmas. Five bucks frozen in a block of ice.

Hurricanes are like women : when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.

When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you.

Bored and industrious in 1902, the citizens of the Yukon built a 32-foot snowman on the border between Canada and Alaska.

In the spirit of brotherhood, they gave it two faces — King Edward looked out over the British domain, and Uncle Sam surveyed the American.

A short story:

http://www.forbes.com/forbes/2011/1010/focus-rich-people-stupid-things-chartis-insurance-steven-bertoni.html

Quote:

A $50 million-plus painting fell off the wall onto a $4 million 18th-century chest of drawers, cracking the marble top. As the painting fell, it knocked a $6 million Rodin bronze and a pair of 18th-century porcelain candelabras onto the floor. The arm of the Rodin broke off, piercing a $1 million carpet and denting the floor beneath. Lesson: Position expensive stuff more wisely.

#richpeopleproblems

A girl who weighed many an oz.
Used language I dare not pronoz.
For a fellow unkind
Pulled her chair out behind
Just to see (so he said) if she’d boz.

There once was a young cow named Zephyr.
She seemed quite an amiable hephyr.
But the farmer came near
And she kicked off his ear,
Which made him considerably dephyr.

(Thanks, Jon.)

A guy asked two jays at St. Louis
What kind of an Indian the Souis.
They said “We’re no en-
Cyclopaedia, by hen!”
Said the guy: “If you fellows St. Whouis?”

A bright little maid in St. Thomas
Discovered a suit of pajhomas.
Said the maiden: “Well, well!
What they are I can’t tell,
But I’m sure that these garments St. Mhomas.”

– Ferdinand G. Christgau

Source

Quote of the Day:

“Historically, a story about people inside impressive buildings ignoring or even taunting people standing outside shouting at them turns out to be a story with an unhappy ending.”

From “Thirteen Observations made by Lemony Snicket while watching Occupy Wall Street from a Discreet Distance”
-Occupy Writers