The Official WBW Joke Thread - Vol. 5

An Aging Contest:

Three older gentlemen sat down at the park for a conversation.

"There's no worse age than 60," says the youngest, "I always feel like I have to pee, and most of the time you try and try and nothing comes out!"

"That's nothing," said a 70 year old, "70 is a much worse age. You can't even do your business anymore. You take laxatives then sit on the toilet for hours waiting for something to come out!"

"Actually," said the oldest one, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60 year old.

"Not really. I pee every morning like clockwork at 6:00am."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70 year old.

"Not at all, I do my business every day promptly at 6:30am."

The 60 year old looked at him funny. "Let me get this straight, you pee at 6am and you crap at 6:30am? So what's the problem?"

"I don't get up until 7:00!"

No Justice:

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles a day. One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except his 'thing.' So, he decided to do something about it.
He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried in the sand, except for his 'thingie,' which he left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the 'thing' sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."
The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well," said the old lady,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat!"

I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids...'
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.
She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.
So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Urology Surgery:

My Surgery

When I first noticed that my penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, I was delighted, as was my wife

But... After several weeks, my penis had grown fifty centimeters.

I Became quite concerned. I was having problems dressing, and even walking.
So the wife and I went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to us that,
Though rare, My condition (Donkey Doodle) could be fixed through corrective Surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" my wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," Said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

Philosophical Pondering:

Sometimes you come across an insight so profound, that it makes you feel like you were touched by Socrates, Freud or even Einstein
Please ponder the statement below

Damn, that's a riot!

Deep on a lot of levels buddy. Great pic too!

Sex at 69:

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 69.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 67.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards, and it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

Great Jokes About the End of the Line...

Hannu wants everything to be perfect for his anniversary trip to the hotel where he and his wife honeymooned 30 years earlier. So he gets there a day early to make all the arrangements. That night, he e-mails her but misspells the address and it goes to the house of an recent widow.

The next day, the widow's son finds his mother passed out in front of her computer. On the screen is this e-mail: ''My darling wife, I've just gotten here and everything's set for your arrival tomorrow. I hope your trip here will be as pleasant as mine.

P.S. It's really hot down here!''

An elderly couple goes to Burger King, where they carefully split a burger and fries. A trucker takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal.

''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''We share everything.''

A few minutes later, the trucker notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal,'' he insists.
''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We share everything.'' Unconvinced, the trucker implores the wife, ''Why aren't you eating?''

The wife snaps, ''Because I'm waiting for the teeth!''

Nearing the end, Ed is surrounded by loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he gathers all his strength and whispers, ''I must tell you my greatest secret.''

His family urges him to go on.

''Before I got married, I had it all,'' explains Ed. ''Fast cars, cute girls, and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, ‘Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no-one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you're on your deathbed.'

So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?''

''What?'' Whisper the fascinated members of his family.

''I'm not even thirsty!''

I finally figured out that I must have a nice butt. Every time I leave a room I hear people exclaim, "What an ass."

Only in California:

After having experienced the discomfort and embarrassment of a colonoscopy in my home state of Alabama, I decided to have my next one performed while visiting friends in San Francisco, where beautiful nurses are said to be much more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, a really gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I have," replied the nurse.

Get Out Of The Car!

(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat.

They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of theold woman car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment...make it memorable!

Always Behind:

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!"

Streaking Golfer:

One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, Well, he’s certainly not my husband.

As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, He’s not my husband either.

He then passes by the third woman Audrey, who also looks down as he runs by her.

Wait a minute, Audrey says.

"He’s not even a member of this golf club".

Interesting facts you probably didn't know about Spiders!:




Comes in various colors and in some cases could be hairless.
Also known as the 'Brazilian Trapdoor'...

Oh how things have changed!

*EATING IN THE FIFTIES*

Pasta had not been invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
All hot chips were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put salt on or not.
Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days. Eating raw fish was a desperate act, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes and pumpkin were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India .
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock!!

*The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties was elbows!*

Bra Engineer Calvin Rickson



Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops their nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

The Fisherman and the Tourist:

A boat docked in a tiny seaside village. An American tourist complimented the local fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the fisherman.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American. The fisherman explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard, and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the fisherman.

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.

Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to the city, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the fisherman.

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my Friend, That's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" said the fisherman.

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings doing what you like and enjoying your friends."