So many JOKES you won't know what to do.

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he
came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date
stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might
have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a
minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark
corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"

"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would
have thought they'd still be here after all this time."

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be
ready Thursday," he said calmly.

What do spaghetti and blondes have in common?



They both wiggle when you eat them!

Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting married.
I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to
wear."

The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3
ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the
hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty
good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The hunter shrugged and handed
the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted
his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and
said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington
state hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly
showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took
a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it
out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an
Idaho state hunting license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced an
Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted
the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do
you have an Oregon state hunting license?" Once again, only this time
more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The
warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to
the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the
hell are you from?" The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said
"You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

Chaim escapes from a mental hospital and goes to the train station. He
gets on the train and is seated next to a business man. He asks the man,
"Are you Jewish?" The man says, "No." Joe apologizes. Ten minutes later,
he asks, "You wouldn't happen to be Jewish would you?" The man replies,
"No!" Joe immediately apologizes. Five minutes later he says, " Can I ask
you a personal question....are you Jewish?" He shots, "NO!" Joe continues
like this for the next four hours. When the train stops, the man runs
away. When he gets to the hotel, he realizes there is someone next to him.
It is Joe. Joe asks, Say, are you Jewish?" The man is so fed up that he
says, "Yes." Joe says, "That's funny...you don't look Jewish at all!"

Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his
hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his
money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber
shop. The barber finishes and comes back.
As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's...it's
none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your
barber shop?"
The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?"
The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes
back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there
taking a shit on the floor.
The barber says, "What are you doing?"
Cronin says, "Well, fuck, I'm leaving now."

Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murder



A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws,
and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman
sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently
sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman,
her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.

The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said,
"Are you okay?" The woman answered, "I've been shot in the head, and I
am holding my brains in."

Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store
workers called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because
the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had
bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat
in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her
in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the
dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at
first, then attempted to hold her brains in.

A guy approaches a prostitute on the street and asks her, "how much?" she
replies, "$100 if I lay down and $75 if I stand up." He asks what the
difference is, and she tells him, "it's my hairdresser's fee!"

The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S
"What's that?", the patient asks.
"It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis."
The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds,
"We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but
pancackes."
"Why only pancackes?", asks the patient.
The Doctor answers, "They're the only thing that will fit under the door."

What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?

The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail
all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto
placed his ear to the ground and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."

Two gynecologists meet at lunch.
The first one says, "I had a patient this morning with
a clit like a dill pickle.
The second one says,"That big or that green?"
The first one says,"That Sour."

When is premature ejaculation a serious problem?

When it occurs between "hello" and "what's your sign?"

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

This is what should happen to ALL CATS..!

HOW TO WASH THE CAT

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both
lids up.

3. Find the cat and soothe him while you carry him toward the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
(You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will
self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from
your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

CAUTION:
Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will
be reaching out for anything they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a Power "Wash"
and "Rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no
people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where
he will dry himself.


Sincerely,

THE DOG

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started
feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up
behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and
return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied.
"They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped
and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the
hell is your problem?" the lady asked. "I feel like a regular son of a
bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned. The lady reached
over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop
worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to
six inches deeper."

Q: What's the worst thing about being a paedophile?
A: Having to go to bed so early!

Radar: "Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."

Pilot: "Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can
we make up here?"

Radar: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it
hits a 747?"

A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on
the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and
brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

He says, "Put it between your legs."

She says, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."