So many JOKES you won't know what to do.

A young girl goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says,"You have acute vaginitis."
She says "Thank you."

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were
invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was
partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the
Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the
door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his
wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the
Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first
time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."

New scientific theories

HONORABLE MENTION: The quantity of consonants in the English
language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one
geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks"
his "cah", the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh"
his car and invest in "erl wells."

A Britt in South Africa was enjoying a ride in his European car when an
American zoomed by in a Corvette.

The Britt cursed, while the Corvette disappeared in the distance. The
American chap however saw an Afrikaner struggling uphill on his stripped
peddle bike. Just the bare essentials and a large bell, thats all the poor
guy had.

He stopped and offered the Afrikaner a lift. "No thank you sir here in
South Africa we don't sit in a car with white folks."

"In that case let me towe you up hill."

They agreed and the Corvette slowly pulled the Afrikaner up hill. Just then
the Britt passed him in his white European car B Leland, no less, and stuck
his middle finger in the air and waved menacingly. The American got mad,
forgot he was towing the Afrikaner, and took off like a lightning bolt.

Going down hill they spotted a Police Car and slowed down some. The Trooper
yanked his mike from the holder and shouted. "Look out for a white British
B Leland followed by a Corvette and an Afrikaner behind ringing the bell
trying to pass both. Lock him up."

Did you know that once you get married,
you can look forward to three different kinds of sex?

First, there's House Sex:
That's when you make love all over the house: on the floor, on
the kitchen table, in the garage, anywhere, anytime -- much
like two crazed rabbits.

Then comes Bedroom Sex:
That's when the kids are finally fed, bathed and asleep; the
curtains closed; nothing much on TV; and the door locked -- you
make love in the bedroom.

Last comes Hall Sex:
That's when you pass each other in the hall and snarl -- "Screw
You !"

The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting
together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across
their path, totally nude. "Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!" the
Frenchman said, smacking his lips.

So the Italian shot her.

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of
a man's penis was
larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded
that the reason the
head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure
during sex.
After the study was published, the University of South Carolina
decided to do their own
study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason was to
give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted
their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was
to keep a man's
hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Two gay male lovers were talking and Bob says to Jon, "I wish I had chest
hair like you" So the next day Bob goes to the doctor and asks for
something to grow chest hair. The doctor gives him something and he says
"It will work in about two months." Two months later Bob has no hair on
his chest and back to the doctor he goes. The Doctor says, 'Rub some
Vaseline on your chest, and in a week you will be growing hair.' Jon comes
home that day seeing Bob rub Vaseline and asks "Why?" Bob says "to grow
chest hair" Jon says if Vaseline grows hair you would have a ponytail
comin' out your ass!"

Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

Q: Why are brides dressed in white?
A: So they match the rest of the appliances.

How can a man tell when his sperm count is elevated?
His girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

Noon in the jungle.

Under a tree a lion tries to sleep, when he hears strange laughing. He
rises and strolls to the bushes where the laughter seems to come from.

Behind the bush a group of elephant bulls is sitting in a circle and
they are laughing their heads off.

Lion: "Hey elephants, why are you laughing?"

Elephant: "We are fucking some monkeys"

Lion: "Well, I do that as well, but I don't see what's so funny about
it."

Elephant: "Because they don't burst when YOU cum."

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife
in bed with another man.
"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."
"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what
if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with
your wife?"
The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane
and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great
expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd
take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine
in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the
world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with
a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised
new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI
insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was
having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly
100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than asking him about this,
the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales
pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and
then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't
have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only
has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send
into battle first?"

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at
low pay for long hours. The blacksmith immediately began his instructions
to the lad, "When I take the shoe out of the fire, I'll lay it on the
anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer."
The apprentice did just as he told. Now he's the village blacksmith.

Name something a duck can do, that a doctor won't.

Stick his bill up his ass.

My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it
hurt!..................

So I Fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel
bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to
stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?"
she sighed.
"No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my
partner can buy the ticket!"

What is the meaning of life?

All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.