monty python

Customer:'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: <pause> I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I
purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's
wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking
at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian
Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if
you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.

HELGA Have you done this sort of thing before?
ERIK Me? Of course! I've been looting and pillaging up and down the
coast.
HELGA (looking sceptical) Looting and pillaging, eh?
ERIK (on the defensive) Yes.
HELGA What about the raping?
ERIK Shut up.
HELGA It's obvious you haven't raped anyone in your life.
ERIK Sh!

He covers her mouth with his free hand, and looks round to make sure no
one's heard. Then he carries on trying to undo his trousers, but he is
now somewhat more than half-hearted about it.
Helga watches suspiciously.

HELGA Do you LIKE women?

Erik is clearly shocked and stung by the insinuation. He stops.

ERIK Of course I like women... I LOVE 'em.
HELGA (pointing out the obvious) You don't love ME.
ERIK No... right... this is RAPE... Mark you, I'm not saying I
couldn't get to like you... in fact... well, to be quite
honest, I prefer it when there's some sort of mutual feeling
between two people...
HELGA What - rape?
ERIK No. It isn't rape then, is it?
HELGA Oh, get it over with.
ERIK (hesitates again) I don't suppose... no...
HELGA What?
ERIK I don't suppose you... you DO like me at all?
HELGA What d'you expect? You come in here, burn my village, kill my
family and try to rape me...

just one small waffer, sir.

awww piss off! bring me a bucket!

NI, NI, NI!!

"Some Call Me..............



Tim."

Tis a small flesh wound...

come back here i'll bite your kneecaps off!!

How do we tell if she is made of wood?

(man in crowd)

BUILD A BRIDGE OUT OF HER!

Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned
helmets on. A man and his wife enter.

Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.
Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right.
Man (to Waitress): Morning!
Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag): Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam;
egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage
and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam
bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked
beans spam spam spam...
Vikings (singing): Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a
Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with
truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in
it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!)
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon
spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it.
I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam beaked beans spam spam
spam and spam!
Vikings (singing): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and
the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings (singing elaborately): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful
spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam!
Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam
spam spam!

Im beginning to think that Eric has these saved somewhere, lol.

Bravely bold Sir Robin
Brought forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die,
Oh, brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken!
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowls unplugged,
And his nostrils raked and his bottom burnt off,
And his peni--
----------------------------------
Minstrel: Robin:

Brave Sir Robin ran away. No!
Bravely ran away away.... I didn't!
When Danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled No!!
Yes brave Sir Robin turned about I didn't!
And gallantly chickened out..

Bravely taking to his feet I never did!
He beat a very brave retreat All lies!
Brave as ??-??, brave Sir Robin! I never!

But son, this girls got HUGE tracts of LAND!
(motions to chest)

Copy and Paste my friend.

indeed

i know, just kiddin'

its been far too long since ive watched MP and the holy grail.
I need to get on that.

Ditto.

You all know the tune.
"Just look on the bright side of life." (whistle)
Sung while being crucified. Nice.

Always look on the bright side of life...
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten!
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing,

When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps,
Just purse your lips and whistle -- that's the thing!
And... always look on the bright side of life...


Always look on the bright side of life...


For life is quite absurd,
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow!
Forget about your sin -- give the audience a grin,
Enjoy it -- it's the last chance anyhow!

So always look on the bright side of death!
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
Life's a piece of shit,
When you look at it.

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true,
You'll see it's all a show,
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you!

And always look on the bright side of life...
Always look on the bright side of life

Every sperm is sacred...
(The meaning of life)