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HEY, the autopilot works just fine.
I was letting off a little steam, dealing with stress.
That's good for an airline pilot. Don't want a stressed out pilot freaking out.

What the hell am I talking about?

Pictures have been released by Chinese media of what appears to be a flight attendant blowing a pilot, on the plane, presumably while it was in the air.
The incident is under investigation.
Imagine that investigation...did you blow the pilot?
Nope.
He says you did.
Well ...
Can you perform, on me, exactly what you did with the pilot?
Maybe ...
It is important for the investigation, and possibly for your job.
OK

As for the pilot?
What's wrong with getting blown while you're driving? I've gotten a blowjob while driving, no harm done....except she needed to wash her hair.

http://www.921myfm.com/cc-common/news/sections/newsarticle.html?feed=104673&article=8939364

Them Nutty Monkeys!!!

What do you do if you're at the zoo and a monkey gets loose?
Well, depending on the kind of monkey, you might hang around and see what happens, maybe feed it, maybe get a little petting in.
If the monkey is hungry, however, maybe changing your baby's diaper isn't a great idea when the monkey decides he is hungry for nuts ... yea ... the poor kid's testicle.

Probably freaked out a lot of people, scared the mother, hurt the baby ... but at least the monkey was having a ball.

The zoo agreed to cover medical expenses. WOW, medical expenses wouldn't be the last thing I ask for from the zoo!!!

http://philly.barstoolsports.com/around-barstool/monkey-bites-off-and-eats-babys-testicle-in-chinese-zoo/

Attention American geeks!!
Where is the best place for you to live ... other than the basement of your parent's house with a wall-full of computer and gaming equipment)?
The list of the top 5 geekiest cities has been released. And, of course, San Jose, Calif. tops the list.
On surprise was Huntsville, Alabama. At least, it was a surprise for me. Huntsville took the No. 4 spot on the list.

For the rest of the list, click this link: http://realestate.yahoo.com/promo/americas-geekiest-cities.html

Dreamland.....

MAN MARRIES PILLOW

A Korean man has married his beloved pillow in a religious ceremony.

Lee Jin-gyu fell in 'love' with the special huggable pillow called a dakimakura, complete with picture of a japanese cartoon character, and decided to marry it. 






Suited and Booted. Lee, 28, married his sweetheart in front of a priest, and the pillow even had it's own wedding dress too. 

A quote from a friend said 'He is completely obsessed with this pillow and takes it everywhere. They go out to the park or the funfair where it will go on all the rides with him. Then when he goes out to eat he takes it with him and it gets its own seat and its own meal!'

Apparently this sort of odd marriage is not uncommon in parts of the far east. A Japanese man married his virtual partner, a character from a Nintendo Ds Game called 'Love Plus'. 


FULL STORY
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/816601-man-marries-pillow

What. The. Fuck.
How can a nation that allows such frivolous and stupid shit like this, still have such a medieval view on same sex marriage? It's ridiculous! It seems to me that they are prepared to allow anything they can have a good laugh at, and not allow two human beings of the same sex to declare their love for each other. 

Madness!

Many Found Sexually Active Into their 70s



Did they really have to put the visual into my head? Oh, sorry. I put the image in everybody's head now, didn't I? (Picture was not included in the original story, I added it here just to be a dick)

OK, we know people will have sex, regardless of the age. If the urge comes on ya, by all means. But do really really give a shit about reading the stories about it? And why spend all the money for these "studies" about sex at Geriatric Park?

And women are less likely to be sexually active after age 57. Hmm....does that mean the ones that ARE are banging a lot more people? Or are the guys just turning gay since there's less old chicks to get it on with? Maybe there's just more group sex happening at the nursing home?

The story also mentions a higher rate of sexual problems, erectile dysfunction and reduced desire. Really? On a related topic, that is also prevalent among people LESS THAN 60 or 70. It's called MARRIAGE.

Goodness, spend all the money to tell us shit we already know.

Next, spend a few million to study the mating ritual of the common piss-ant. Maybe we can learn such valuable lessons about whether or not size in humans matters...or if farting in bed secretly turns on women.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/08/23/us/23sex.html?adxnnl=1&[blacklisted]sex&adxnnlx=1312911402-hjGuTPl5do/xtvPpH3jmoA

(time for a quickie from the road)



MMA – My Manly Ass or Mixed Martial Arts?

In an unprecedented move to eliminate that one thing all real men know should never be worn, the speedo, UFC President Dana White has banned them for good, at least from his MMA competitions.

The obviously proud Dennis “Superman” Hallman wore the horrific panties in his match against Brian Ebersole. In a good show of what speedo wearers deserve, Ebersole took out Hallman in 4:28 of the first round.

So thrilled was White by the outcome that he paid Ebersole a $70,000 bonus that he called “The first ever, getting those horrifying shorts off TV as soon as possible bonus”. White also said “I’m seriously pissed off that the guys who work for us that let him walk out with those things on. I’ve never been so embarrassed to be in the UFC.”

Ebersole was just more concerned with a “wardrobe malfunction.”

Story here: http://www.mmafighting.com/2011/08/07/dennis-hallmans-shorts-upset-dana-white/

What in the hell is this guy thinking? For that matter, what in the hell is ANYONE that wears these things thinking? Who in the hell wants to see man junk on display during a good fight? Hallman might be a decent fighter, but he is obviously dumber than a brick.
For lack of a better pun: What a dick!

Hot



Not Hot

The futures bright...

MAN PROPOSES DRESSED AS CARROT

A man proposed yesterday to his six-month girlfriend, watched by 49 of his friends, all dressed as Carrots.

Chinese Student Pang Kun, from Quingdau, China, popped the question to Zhao Xinyu, after a song and dance routine that included 50 dancing carrots wearing sunglasses.





Pang organised the surprise at a local shopping mall. After meeting her there, he left to go to the bathroom, changed into the carrot suit, and returned, with 49 singing and dancing carrots in tow. When the routine was finished, a pre recorded message of Pang played out in front of a massive crowd of spectators:

"Six months ago I met you. I still remember your shyness at our first date, my longing for the next date and my excitement when the first time I held your hand at the movie theatre."

Pang then revealed himself, got down on one knee and asked her to marry him, she luckily said yes, and the gathered crowd went nuts.





According to Pang, the stunt cost him over $15,000, and took over three weeks to organise.

They plan to marry next year.



FULL STORY
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/871816-man-dresses-as-carrot-along-with-49-friends-to-propose-to-girlfriend

What a nice thing to do! Gotta say I'm really impressed with this. Just shows when you love someone you'll do anything, including dressing uo as a cartoon carrot! 

Thank fuck she said 'yes!' 

What the Fuck?
Why?

A statue of Justine Bieber and Selena Gomez, joined at the hip. "Together as One"
OK, well granted, Selena's hot as hell, so that part of it I'm interested in....somebody just get pictures of the chick.
But Bieber? Who cares? And the fact that he (it, I hold Justine is really Justine) is just 17, so that's just wrong.

And the statue is headed to Dallas. To a porn store. Well, that's appropriate, at least.

The dude that made this statue has made several ... including Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, etc.

I want to know how the artist knows what these people look like nude, if they haven't appeared naked before.
Well, Paris, we got a good guess there!! We know what Spears' clam looks like (sorta like an old catcher's mitt)

There is pictures to go with this story, but I ain't posting them here ... for obvious reasons.

http://blogs.dallasobserver.com/dc9/2011/08/nude_selena_gomez_and_justin_b.php

Only in France!

FRENCH BAKER INVENTS BREAD VENDING MACHINE

French baker Jean-Louis Hecht has come up with a novel idea to stop his customers knocking his bakery door after hours, by inventing a bread vending machine.






The frenchman came up with the idea after he spotted a need for fresh baked baguettes after closing, when customers kept bugging him. 

The vending machine, which took 10 years of planning and manufacture, is installed in his home city of Paris, and dispenses baguettes as cheap as 90 pence (roughly $1.30). He also has another installed in another northeastern french town.

The machine works by baking part-baked baguettes and loaves on demand, and sold over 6000 loaves and baguettes in its first month!! Mr Hecht plans to expand across Europe.

FULL STORY
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/871903-baguette-vending-machine-provides-fresh-bread-24-hours-a-day-in-france


Only in France would the need for fresh bread at night be a need im sure. Here in the uk, the only thing i want at night would be a Curry or something. Now THATS an idea!!!

This got me thinking about what other vending machines around the world i could find, so ive found some.......




STRESS CHINA VENDING MACHINE




Literally small china you can buy, just to smash. Cool!!!


SMART CAR VENDING MACHINE




You can actually BUY this smart car, although its only used as a stunt, its an actual working vending machine.


MEDICAL MARIJUANA VENDING MACHINE





YES! ITS TRUE! Manned by two guards at all times, if you can provide proof of need, it dispenses sealed marijuana!


PIZZA VENDING MACHINE





Same principle as the baguette machine. pre cooked pizzas are rebaked in two minutes and they have three options!


GOLD VENDING MACHINE




Dispenses mini gold bars. Not exactly sure what use this would be but....

Germans foiled by farmyard fugitive Yvonne the cow

That Yvonne is a bitch!

A cow in Germany, who broke free was living as a free-range bovine has been put on the "most wanted list" after she decided to seriously threaten a cop.

It's open season on Yvonne, but nobody can get her.

In an effort to restrain and capture Yvonne, they've brought in the heavy artiller ... a bull.

Maybe the lure of imminent romance can return her to her rightful home.

Yea, right ... women don't fall for that shit. Ask my ex-wife!

Anyway, if you have any ideas, contact the proper authorities.

http://news.yahoo.com/germans-foiled-farmyard-fugitive-yvonne-cow-142607026.html

Deaf man complains nudists would not provide interpreter

Don't forget the blind man who bitched because they wouldn't provide him a look.



http://news.yahoo.com/deaf-man-complains-nudists-not-interpreter-144051716.html

Who do you hate the most?
The late Bin Laden? President Obama? Sarah Palin? Octomom? Your landlord? The idiot that invented bubble-packs?

The "most hated person in America" has been named ... and she is ....

Casey Anthony.

The chick that killed her kid, lied, and partied.

And got off on all the charges, except the lying part.

With cans like hers ... I could get off, too! And face it, she ain't bad looking!! She just wanted her life back. Can't blame her for not wanting the kid.
I just think there were better ways to go about things ... put the kid up for adoption, pawn the kid off on grandma, sell the kid for video game money (http://www.gamegrep.com/news/46794-chinese_couple_sells_children_for_video_game_money/) ... but killing the kid and dumping the body to rot ... that's simply beyond wrong!!


http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/44090479/ns/today-today_people/

Down Boy.....

DOG CAN DO..erm..STUFF!!


Jack Russell 'Jesse' is a dab hand at doing the most menial tasks us humans take for granted. From making a cup of tea, to folding bath towels. 

Jesse's amazing list of tricks include the aforementioned cup of tea making, including turning on the kettle. Shopping, yes, SHOPPING! He can push his little cart around, grab items off the shelves, and even carry each item to the house. Cleaning bed linen off a bed, using a toaster, even a spot of tidying up!





Jesse has even starred in a hollywood film, Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, and appeared on Letterman. His handler and trainer, Heather, has taught him his amazing repertoire by positive reinforcement, treats and clicker training

WATCH THE VIDEO
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgBKhj48VDY

FULL STORY
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/871948-jesse-the-jack-russell-can-make-tea-and-cook-dinner-but-cant-put-towels-away


This is quality! The dog can do a lot more and even has his own Youtube channel. Its pretty amazing that you can train an animal to do stuff like this by just using dog treats and 'positive reinforcement'.

wonder if it'l work on the wife?

Follow up.....

HITLER CAT FINDS NEW HOME

I wrote a few days ago about 'kitler', the cat with Hitler-esque markings, that was left abandoned on the side of the road. I'm happy to say that she has been found a new home!






Wood Green animal shelter in Godmanchester, UK, was inundated with calls from potential adopters, looking to adopt the Fuhrer-style kitteh.

The charity announced on its website "We have been absolutely amazed at the response we've had - over 500 telephone calls and emails from all over the world. We are delighted to say that we have found a wonderful, loving home for 'Luminus' and we hope this will be the start of a long and happy life for her."





FULL STORY


www.metro.co.uk/weird/871040-kitler-the-kitten-who-looks-like-hitler-finds-new-home

Not every story has a happy ending, so its nice to see one that i posted the other day, has. And, to be honest, who would abandon such a cute kitty?

Feeling Stressed?

CHINESE COMMUTERS GET PUNCH BAGS ON PLAFORMS

Train users in Shanghai have had a unique stress-busting item put onto platforms- massive punch bags.

Sports giant Adidas installed the bags at Xujiahui station, and encouraged people who are tired, stressed, or even drunk, to punch and kick at it, instead of the station staff!






There is a message on each bag that reads "Every year you have to wait on the platform for about 1,824 minutes. Don’t waste your time, come and have a punch to relieve some tension!"





The punching bags have proved to be a big hit with local commuters, and Adidas are considering installing some in London in time for the Olympics.

FULL STORY
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/872077-platform-punching-bags-installed-to-help-calm-chinese-subway-commuters

Nice Idea! Id love nothing more than to kick the shit out of something after ive missed my train. Anything to relieve stress is always worth doing........

although i doubt id buy mini 'stress china' from the vending machine i posted the other day!!!

QR codes on beach volleyball chicks' asses.

High-tech advertising!! A QR bar code on the backside of bikini girls' bottoms. They think it'd be noticeable and attract more attention there.
When photographed with a smartphone, it will follow a link to the sponsor's website, in this case online sports betting company Betfair.

Maybe TIDE should do one on the front of the bikini bottom.
Maybe Victoria's Secret could add one on the front of the top.
Then, Playboy could offer big bucks for the chick to get a code stamp-tramped on her lower back, then it could direct you to her photo shoot on the Playboy web site. WOOHOO!!

So anyway, interesting idea. It's like the girls saying, "Please, stare at my ass and take pictures!!"

http://news.yahoo.com/itsy-bitsy-bikini-ads-uk-beach-volleyball-stars-135201972.html

Needles are the enemy for balloon dress

No Shit? Really? Needles and balloons aren't friends?

So some creative fuck made a dress out of a bunch of balloons.
It's the newest creation from a Japanese designer and is said to be feather-light and see-through. And comes with the warning to stay away from needles. (Pocketknives, sharp edges and fingernails are OK though, I suppose. Cause I know I'd be carrying around a little bitty pocket knife, popping every balloon I could if I say that shit on the street)

The balloons are woven together, much like fabric. And you are supposed to wear white underwear with it. Makes sense, especially if the balloons are white.

Also, ladies...keep this in mind. The latex creations can only be worn once — after 24 hours, the balloons start to deflate.





http://news.yahoo.com/needles-enemy-balloon-dress-143807533.html

You guy's are kickin' some news ass. I'm glad, and I'm glad I don't have to pick the winner!

I read a bunch and this caught my eye tonight. (not a submission)
Darkest Planet,


http://news.yahoo.com/coal-black-alien-planet-darkest-ever-seen-220601419.html

Man shoots own pecker

OK guys, there's an epidemic in America, and I'm presuming in all parts of the world.
The problem, people won't can't handle weapons safely. Gun safety is vital, especially to yourself and those you love. Screw the prick you actually WANT to shoot.

So, there's this man in Arizona who was going to be billy-bad-ass and carry woman's pistol in the waistband of his pants as they went into a store. So, Mr. Gun Safety shot his dick off. The bullet also went into his leg. Now he can't walk OR have sex.

Brilliant.

Just remember, guns can be DANGEROUS if not handled carefully. People can get hurt. Sometimes people die, and when real-life humans die, there are no do-overs.

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2011/08/08/Man-accidentally-shoots-self-in-penis/UPI-20071312826157/

Suddenly, I want to go to a wedding.

NO, not mine, don't wanna do that again anytime soon.

But a study has been done that shows 32 percent of men said they cheated on their wives at a wedding.
Well, if the married guys can get some at a wedding, why can't I? (And I am still technically married, so maybe that'll work in my favor as well)
Only 27 percent were unfaithful at a bachelor party.

And women thought the best chance for a man to cheat was the company Christmas party. 37 percent believed that to be the case. Yep, hey women....we do it at the Christmas party!! That's where the trouble is!! Nothing EVER happens at weddings.



http://www.nerve.com/news/love-sex/survey-married-men-most-likely-to-cheat-at-weddings