Honda's Guide To Internet Stalking. Now With More Parts..

Update: Part 2 will be up soon, IRL shit keeps getting in the way.

I'm glad some of you guys liked it...

i love this thread!

i read it all, too. some great writing, honda. can't wait for part deux.

Az

How do I know this is actually Honda writing this and not a stalker?

Fucking genius man, had me laughing out load multiple times. I vote for a second part
And conveniently enough, I have enough posts to be labeled as a "Stalker" on WBW.... I'm on my way.

This is some good stuff Honda. Finally serious levity in the day.

Quote:

Originally posted by fazerix

How do I know this is actually Honda writing this and not a stalker?

Cause he is the only one crazy enough to make a great thread like this

I'm not entirely satisfied with my second part..it was originally supposed to be just one long post, but I'm lazy and I didn't want to finish typing he whole thing if everyone was going to be all "meh, shit sux brah"....presenting, I guess..

Part two, moving from e-stalking to real stalking


Exactly like this.

Okay men boys...this is a pretty serious step forward, are you sure you’re ready for
this? It’s going to take some real IRL work, with gas prices the way they are...and the inevitable
jail time and restraining orders that are bound to follow, you had better be god damned
emotionally attached to your victim..I mean like, the shrine to them is now larger than the
average room in your house..and has at least 3 dedicated power outlets with halogen lights
pointed at it. Alright, lets rock then..more like stalk am I right? I see what I did
there..


(You mean all your guys don't have Avril Lavigne and Sarah Michelle Gellar shrines? Awkward.)
((To be perfectly honest, I probably do have far more pictures of them than I should. ))

Proper stalking attire.

Now, if you’re going to be a stalker, you have to look the part. Skulking around in that knitted
sweater your mom made you probably isn’t going to cut it. Yeah, I’m talking about the one that
looks like it’s made for Christmas dinner, but she said it was for “all year round”. Why did you
even keep that? I don’t care if it has sentimental value, it’s ugly.


(I stand corrected.)

Anyway, moving on. There are a few stereotypes you might want to avoid...the all black thing
isn’t really necessary, try switching it up, and wearing very dark grey, or very dark brown, show
them you’re an original creep (unless you’re a fatty, then wear black..and jog more). Now,
you’ll be doing a lot of work at night, and your first thought might be to get a ski mask, but all
that will do is draw attention, what you should consider doing is wearing sunglasses, they
conceal your identity..and you look soo cool.


(Oh wow, is that you? For a second I thought you were Tom Cruise...minus the crazy
yep, Tom Cruise.)

Now, the obvious footwear choice is sneakers, might I suggest Nike Shox. Get them in black,
because it seems every other colour they make look straight out of 1984...and the worst kind of
stalker to be, is a retro stalker...crazy neon colours, you would just embarrass yourself with that
kinda thing, and it would probably embarrass your victim a little too. Pants and shirt are pretty up
to yourself..so go nuts, just keep it dark.


(Liar.)

(Note: This should be obvious, but avoid corduroy pants.)

Now, a key piece of the stalker look is a mustache. They’re a little cliche I know, but they just
complete the look so well. People know you mean business when they see a thick, full lip of hair.
The style is up to yourself, but if you really want to stand out, go with the twirled mustache. If
you can’t grow one, considering buying one, and just wear it while you stalk, to keep you in
character.


Obvious stalker.

So if your victim does catch a glimpse of you, they know there might be a rope and set of train
tracks in their future, and you can’t buy that kinda terror. Unless you bought like, a bunch of
spiders, and put them in your victims bed...that would be pretty terrifying, and you bought
them...huh, maybe do both. (Bouns points if your glue mustaches to your spiders)


Stay classy.

Now, throw in a trench coat, and you’ve got an outfit worthy of only the most serious business
stalkers.

(Note: Stalking is like the movies, keep your cell on vibrate.)


Choosing a vehicle

Think of yourself like a superhero, only instead, you’re like a super villain....without the super
part. Now, you need a vehicle that makes a statement. Sadly, you only really have two options, an
old big car (Buick Roadmaster) type vehicle, or a van. I know what you’re thinking “yo dawg,
girls won’t think I’m cool in a van”..but you’re mistaken...girls love vans, haven’t you ever seen
a movie made in the 70's? (Note: Get some shag carpeting up in that bitch, with a bed in the
back.. Bow chicka wow wow)


(When you're rollin' this cool, you don’t even need to stalk.)

Making your move.

Now, you have the look, and you have the ride, but you’re still a total coward, so making a move
to real stalking is going to be almost impossible. Now, you’re going to want to get drunk, to calm
your nerves..or maybe in do drugs, but, remember..you completely fail at life, so this is going to
take 100% of your skills, and with that 100%, you might be as competent as a dog trained to
climb ladders, and smell peoples bags for drugs, believe to achieve, brah.
Now, you’re all set..you’ve learned where your victim lives, using the phone book, or pieced it
together from the massive amount of information they post online. You’ve got your bag full of
mustache’d spiders, it’s go time throw on your sunglasses, hop in your van and drive around
their block a few times, try not to look suspicious..()

Once you’ve picked out the house, try to wait around for a bit to make sure they aren’t home.
Sneak around it a little bit, try not to be spotted. Now, you will 100% never make it this far,
you’ll hear a dog bark in the distance, or a car go by..you will literally shit your pants with fear,
and drive home as fast as you can, jump into your footie pajamas and cry. But, for the sake of the
thread...lets say you made it, hell you even broke in or something...you grooved around their
house, licked family photos, broken flower stems, siphoned out all the water from their toilet and
then shut off the water to it, so when they get home they’re all “what the fuck?”


A master criminal is at work here.

Since you’re insane, you’ve probably done some creepy shit, like stick their fruit down your
pants, and came on their dog. My god you’re a phycho Well done, time to make
your escape and wait for them to get home, so you can watch them watching televison or
something. Thrilling.



(Listen to this dog. Dawg.)

(Note: Spend a lot of time hanging around in the kitchen, so you can see what the average day is like for your female victim.)

Their first/last line of defence, boyfriend, brother, father, police..all of the above.


You just had to bust a nut on their dog didn’t you? Now they’ll be watching for you. Unlike
online, the first line of defense is actually scary, in the sense that you’re playing with a fire that
could get you burned pretty badly. I hope you took my advice and are insanely emotionally
attached. That way, while suffering a severe beating, you can fantasize they’re hugging you.
(Note: Hug may feel like a baseball bat to the testicles)

You might hope for a warning, you likely won’t get one. You’ll have to drop off the radar for a
bit now. Go back to ordering pizzas and delivering them to your victims house, then laugh about
how clever your are. Maybe make a hilarious mock music video which a catchy up tempo beat.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6yFBwGjAm0[/youtube]
(You will never, never be this awesome.)



Slippery slope

You fucked up, no matter how you go about IRL stalking, you will fuck up. Be it in your
fingerprints, or maybe an eye witness spotted your van, or they collected the semen sample you left
on the dog (you probably should have mentioned you were already on the sex offenders list, no
wonder nobody likes you), no matter what, you will be caught. Only now there will be real
consequences. Just consider yourself lucky if your experience doesn’t end up in a similar fashion
to Kurt Russell’s at the end of Death Proof.


(I dislike Kurt Russell.)

-Jail.


(Someone you know just won $20..)

So, stalking didn’t end up as glamorous as you assumed eh? No, big romantic scene where you
explain to her that all the things you did were out of love? (Especially the mustache
spiders.). That’s a shame. She pressed charges and everything. Well, in this end to my
increasingly less funny thread, you’re faced with the more serious business end of stalking.

Jail isn’t fun (Ask Swiss407) lol...but, it can be educational. You can spend your time
learning cool new things, or becoming a better criminal. There are all kinds of colourful types of
people in prison, try not to get shanked in your journey to make friends, prisoner 24334.


(The best knowledge you can get is push out as he pushes in) ((Gay forums grandma is helpful,
start a correspondence with her, go by the handle “Billy”.))

Now, since even in prison, I’m fairly certain stalkers aren’t popular chaps (story of your life)...so,
why bother am I right? Time to do the ballsiest thing you’ve ever considered doing.

-Escape
Just kidding, you're fucked. But just in case, watch the first season of "Prison Break" and "The Shawshank Redemption"



-Suicide

She's not thinking about you anymore. It was never meant to be, but at least you can always say you tried amirite? The man took away your cool shades, impounded your ride, and likely confiscated all your sweet shrine pics. You're the mans bitch at the moment, and well....you're everyone's bitch at the moment. You can't take it anymore, so, it's time to check out.

Plan it out well, so it's really amusing, if you can, light yourself on fire, just to piss everyone else off that has to groove on the smell. Be creative, it's not like it matters anymore.

Be sure to mention her in your note...then she'll know how you always felt. Just kidding, she won't care. Best of luck.


Slippery slope indeed..

Quote:

This should be obvious, but avoid corduroy pants.

Quote:

Don't be a pussy. Car looks legit.

Quote:

.you grooved around their
house, licked family photos, broken flower stems, siphoned out all the water from their toilet and
then shut off the water to it, so when they get home they’re all “what the fuck?”

Quote:

Just kidding, you're fucked. But just in case, watch the first season of "Prison Break" and "The Shawshank Redemption"

Let me add that you might want to take a correspondence course in banking and identity theft. Seems to come in handy. But whatever you do, don't take your GED while looking like a wannabe-elvis type dude. Yous gonna get shot in a staged escape.



Stalking was a poor choice, indeed. You filthy pirate hooker.

h


good stuff.

I knew as soon as I started shooping that mustache onto that spider that I had to make an Anchorman reference...

I'm glad you liked it man...when I posted it a few hours ago and it went completely unnoticed I was like "shit"...you just made my day, brah.

yeah, your mistake, however, was posting it on a friday afternoon wen these people are busy pretending to have a life

We see through their lies...

Especially you..what with the avy and all.

very educational and motivacional thread

How is Pops coming along with the netz anywho?

Did we sell him on it yet. Or is he still using Micro-Feesh..

*edit*

Oops.. wrong Honda net thread......

Good work RumDum...


I actually printed it out long ago..it's 350 pages.

He lol'd a bit, but he still thinks the internet is pointless.

I was thinking I might print this thread out, but I'm not sure.

I just spent the better part of the last 2 hours putting up mini-blinds and curtain-y things. To avoid stalkers peeping in on tehdros.

Didn't work. I have teh eyes in your avi wired for webcamz.

Quote:

Originally posted by EricLindros

I just spent the better part of the last 2 hours putting up mini-blinds and curtain-y things. To avoid stalkers peeping in on tehdros.

I like to leave my curtains open...Just to brighten everyone's day.

It's the same reason I usually leave my fly down.....

I'd also like to suggest that you throw in some music when stalking...