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(Like this, only using words.)
Hello there friends, I’ve come to talk to you about the serious business issue of Internet stalking.
This won’t be a brief thread, so if you’re the “durr I hatez to read” type, just move along now,
although I can’t promise there won’t be sexy pictures contained in this thread.
Now, onto the business at hand, stalking. Over my time on the Internets, I’ve seen my share of
Internet stalking done, and I’ve come to give you would-be stalkers a few tips and some of the
dos and don'ts of Internet stalking. By the time we’re done here, you’ll be well on your way to
scaring the living shit out of girls world wide. So, now lets start your journey down the road to
becoming creepy, and all around unlikeable.
(Excellent stalking disguise)
Let’s get started.
Finding that special someone..
One of the first hurtles a stalker must overcome is their total lack of female friends or
acquaintances, even online. The best way to remedy this is to join a social networking site, as the
majority of these types of sites are jam packed full of attention whoring girls, men looking to do
the same thing you are, and old people who are desperately trying to find a way to talk to their
grand kids through the intertubes.
(Total GILF.)
It’s basically an e-stalking paradise, the perfect place to find your special someone.
(Needs more arrows.)
Now, you have literally thousands and thousands of girls to choose from, so don’t rush into to
hastily and then end up being dissatisfied with your stalking victim. You’ll likely have to make a
fake accounts with pictures of dudes who aren’t you, so they’ll accept you. Try using a picture of
Ryan Reynolds. (I hope you catch that, dawg
avoid those awkward situations when you have to let your stalking victim know that you’re just
not that into them anymore. Then you’ll have to dismantle the shrine to them you worked so hard
on, it’s a sad scenario.
So, really spend a few days combing through potentials, find the one that is prefect for you, and
then let the games begin. Try to pick one that doesn’t have a bazillion friends....you don’t need
competition. (Note: “Bazillion” is not an actual number)
Also, beware of feminism...they’re un fun stalk victims. Plus it just gives them more fodder to
use at their next “men are fucking terrible” flaming lesbo rallies. Prepare to be burned in effigy.
(Likely covered in bras...SCORE!)
Also, one alternative to the facebook, myspace (social networking site) idea, is to join our site,
and bug the living fuck out of our handful of attractive female members. Because women love
that. It’s a scientific fact the more personal messages you send, the greater the chance that one of
the girls will take notice of how cool you are..and want your dick in or around their mouth. True
story.
(Note: Women tend to communicate using the same poor grammar and extremely abbreviated words as the internet tough guys, have some Advil on hand.)
Making first contact
Now, this is where a bit of skill will come in. A good tip for the first contact is don’t randomly
expose your genitals yet...if you lay that card to early, then you’ll have one less step to advance
to. Also, make a “prime directive” joke, 87.5% of women absolutely love Star Trek.
(Jean-Luc gets em wet.)
You’re going to want to lead off strong, stay vague...but also make awkward sexual advances,
while avoiding being funny or interesting. I suggest giving them complements that could also be
taken as thinly veiled threats, for example:
Quote:
Hey there baby, I was noticing your pictures. You have such a beautiful face, if I could just slice
it off, frame it...and hang it in my bathroom, I totally would. I would love for your beautiful face
to watch me shower...it’s just such a beautiful face. I would put it over my face, and then kiss a
letter with your lips. Then I would send that letter to your mother, full of nude pictures of
myself...wearing the face.
It’s just that easy to not only get a girls attention, but also leave a lasting impression. She’ll
probably even tell her friends.
Now it’s time to play the waiting game (get drunk and cry), and this is a good way to feel out her
intelligence and level-headedness. The smart girl will ignore you, or at most throw a mod at you,
which is a set back, but it’s worth knowing if your time is worth being put in. Now, the dim-witted
drama queen is your target, because they will take you so super seriously, so make sure to look
for one with a sense of unwarranted self importance. If you have sent two
shocking
move onto someone new. But, for the sake of the tutorial, lets say she threw some crazy bitch fit,
there are posts everywhere about how super ZOMG crazy you are, and everyone is over reacting.
Perfect, she’s quite scared and believes you to be a genuine creep (lol you totally are), now it’s
time to get even freakier, more mysterious and threatening. If her hometown is available, say
you’re from there, and that “you’ll be seeing her” women love it when they know you’re thinking
of them. She’ll definitely be making a diary entry about you tonight..you classy gent. First contact
has been established. Go ahead and celebrate, call one of those chicks you went to high school
with in the middle of the night and tell her you’re going to cut her throat. Just kidding, we both
know you’re a coward. Go make some toast and watch Spongebob Squarepants.
(Nobody loves you like the spongeman loves you.)
* This post has been modified
: 16 years ago
