Help....opinions

Normally, I'm a pretty confident, self assured guy. However, I'm totally lost after tonight. I hope someone can help, although I doubt they can.

The situation is this: A very good friend of mine informed me tonight that her brother, who happens to be the same age as me (25), was just diagnosed with cancer. This cancer is in the process of spreading, and, is quite serious.

I have no idea what to say or do. I have no idea of how to react. This woman is someone whom I never want to see in pain, and I'm now in the postition of knowing that there is nothing that i can say or do to lessen it. I'm at a totall and complete loss for words and sentiment. She, and her mother, is obviously devastated. I'm usually the type to try to control most situations around me, but this is beyond anything I've ever dealt with. I honestly hurt for their family and because I feel useless to asuage their grief, sadness and pain.

So my question is: Does anyone have any idea of what is appropriate to say or do in this situation? Give them their space? Try to help them through it? Offer my apologies? I really have no idea of what to do, and it's disturbing because I wish there was something I could do and I know there really isnt.

Just be there for her dude, hugs tend to work as well any words

There is something you can do: Just be a friend.

Apologizing for something you had nothing to do with, wouldn't only be a stupid act; it would also make them feel bad for pouring their grief into/onto you.

So my advice: Just kick back as a friend and talk about it only if and when either of them bring it up. Otherwise, try to look at happier things, and help them keep their minds free of doubt and worry.

yeah...just been there, its funny how true it is..you always know who your friends are when youre
in your darkest hour, most "friends" will just run, cause they dont want to deal with the shit..

so just you been there, sharing the time, and offering hugs as ST mentioned..thats what i think is one of the best things you
can do...IMO

tough news to hear, sucks to go through that...but congrats to your friends...

on having a friend like you that cares enough to do things right and ask complete strangers on how to be a good friend
not many would do that for their freinds, you sound like a real mate

After being there for my buddy who lost his sister this past summer, just be there to pick up the slack when the situation starts to wear down on the family. Just little shit like doing dishes or cuttin the lawn helps. Be a shoulder when needed.

You say you are the type to 'try and control situations'. That's your trouble, this is out of your control. Take the advice from the others on this thread and you won't go far wrong.

Thank you to all of you. I sincerely appreciate your thoughts on the matter.

I wish there was more that I could do. Being held hostage to biology and mother nature is excrutiatingly frustrating.

I do, however, thank you all for your thoughts and responses.


@ latino: I appreciate your kind words. The annonymity of this group is what allows me to ask such a question of you folks, and my own personal lack of knowledge of how to deal with such a situation is what begs me to ask the question in the first place. there is nothing noble or heroic in the way that I've dealt with this. In fact the only emotions I've been able to quantify so far are fear, denial and uncertainty.

I truly wish there was something substantive I could do, but lacking that, I apperciate you guys steering me in the right direction. Many thanks for your time and consideration.

All of the above. I lost my younger brother 2 yrs ago next week. At certain times in my life, I have remembered the phrase " The Lord only gives you what you can handle". Just be strong, be there- when it's wanted, give space- when it's needed. You will know what to do and when. Best Wish's to everyone.

I lost my Dad in March to cancer. It's a horrible thing to go thru for everyone involved. The best I can suggest is to be understanding of what your friend is going thru and be supportive. Most people hear the word cancer and think it's not cureable but alot of people have survived it depending on the type of cancer they have. Find out what type of cancer it is and do some research on it. Try to show your friend that you are supportive just by offering to help. Cancer can turn your life upside down and sometimes you forget to do the most basic things like eating, or having gas in your car to get to the Chemo and Radiation treatments.. Just try to help out when you can.

BTW> I just joined this site tonight and this is my first post. This thread got my attention due to my fathers passing. Hope I'm not out of line for posting on the subject.

CW

I'd have to agree with everything that has been said

Hugs, and little things.

Quote:

Originally posted by Chicawakawoo

BTW> I just joined this site tonight and this is my first post. This thread got my attention due to my fathers passing. Hope I'm not out of line for posting on the subject.

CW

I cant speak for EL on this particular thread, but generally mate, all friends are welcome. Thank you for your words, I'm sure that they are appreciated

Well ive dealt with cancer in my family, it has taken 4 of my family members in the past 5 years, there is really nothing good to say or do during this time, all you can do is be there for her, and her family. Just be as good of a friend as you can, and depending on how close you are to her brother, spend as much time as you can with him before his time comes, cause thats all you can really do.

yea, my older brother died from cancer 6 years ago, it was tough, but every situation is different, just let her know that she and her family has your support no matter what, and if she ever needs to talk or blow off steam then she can count on you. as far as advice to her, that usually comes with experience, just offer your condolences as much as you feel comfortable with.

< every situation is different >
I agree. My dad was diagnosed and passed away in 6 months and went painlessly ( as much as you can with cancer and dealing with the treatments, weight loss and other complications ) Cancer is in my family also and I've see alot of drawn out cases like my uncle that suffered for 2 years and died at 50, but my grandmother had lung cancer at age 85 and died at age 86. It can happen fast or it can be drawn out over years of treatment . Either way you need to not be sorry or appologetic, just be there to listen and to help. They will get enough sympothy from all the people that " just heard ".

A couple of years before one of my grandmothers died, when our family knew she didn't have all that much time left, I would sit down and just ask her about her life. After these conversations when I got home, I would write down everything I could remember. Now I think I should have spent more time doing that. Your friend might be able to use that type of "historical" recording as a way to help subdue the constant activity of the emotional part of her brain, which is of course the stronger then the logical side. It also allows her and her brother to spend time together, taking the focus off the cancer and refocusing it towards the highlights life.

been in similar situations i'm not very good with words but the right hug or touch on the shoulder is worth the same