Can I ever really gain in social skill?

I guess I just have to ask this. My lack of social skill, for whatever reason there has been a lack, has been a lifeling handicap to me. It's not as though I have asperger's syndrome and I have had friends, to be sure, but it is obvious at age 35 that this has carried into adulthood and it's cost me some. I am nice, I have no problem with getting people to like me or working a crowd when I am in the mood. Maybe I am just really deep down okay with being by myself a lot of the time. Still, I wish I could be theguy who gets a call concerning a party or group outing from time to time. I have no "crew" right now, as is usually the case. I have been pulled aside periodically and told by some friends that unless I stopped making off-color comments (didn't even know I was doing it) that they would stop hanging with me. Sometimes women are uncomfortable around me for "no reason". Maybe I just miss subtle cues. I am getting a little better the older I get, but can social skill be deliberately learned, and if so, where?

my suggestion jeff.......................roofies

well people that tell you to stop talking or else they won't hang-out with you anymore aren't your friends, just be yourself instead of worrying what to say and if they don't like it smack em in the face and find someone else to hang-out with.

Quote:

Originally posted by Jeff613

I guess I just have to ask this. My lack of social skill, for whatever reason there has been a lack, has been a lifeling handicap to me. It's not as though I have asperger's syndrome and I have had friends, to be sure, but it is obvious at age 35 that this has carried into adulthood and it's cost me some. I am nice, I have no problem with getting people to like me or working a crowd when I am in the mood. Maybe I am just really deep down okay with being by myself a lot of the time. Still, I wish I could be theguy who gets a call concerning a party or group outing from time to time. I have no "crew" right now, as is usually the case. I have been pulled aside periodically and told by some friends that unless I stopped making off-color comments (didn't even know I was doing it) that they would stop hanging with me. Sometimes women are uncomfortable around me for "no reason". Maybe I just miss subtle cues. I am getting a little better the older I get, but can social skill be deliberately learned, and if so, where?

Well, seeing as you asked????? ahum...... if you took time to say thanks a few times when people give you feed back you might improve your relationships. Cant help but notice, you start threads, and continue posting your own answers, seemingly oblivious to those around you. Maybe start there... who knows, people may find you more of a communicator. As they say we have two ears and one mouth, so we listen twice as hard as we speak. (but what would I know, I only do this for a living

Thanks. Just what do you do for a living anyhow? I cold take the advice of my friends, but they are not therapists or capable of giving me such lessons at the speed I need. I was once seeing my shrink at his normal daytime job (a public nut house, not his private office) and they had in one room I snooped in as I waited for him, a chart that had all kinds of body language listening cues and what not on it for teaching people to be better socialized. I need a friggin' entire book like that.

Quote:

Originally posted by Jeff613

Thanks. Just what do you do for a living anyhow? I cold take the advice of my friends, but they are not therapists or capable of giving me such lessons at the speed I need. I was once seeing my shrink at his normal daytime job (a public nut house, not his private office) and they had in one room I snooped in as I waited for him, a chart that had all kinds of body language listening cues and what not on it for teaching people to be better socialized. I need a friggin' entire book like that.

Appreciate your feedback. The first and formost issue in effective communication, is to recognise we pass information on to people in subconscious ways. Either socially acceptable or socially unacceptable. Most people have a social code which they believe is everyones code. (Look at the responses you will get from this thread to see that). Of course it isnt. Thats why your circle of friends will require you to adapt to their code of behaviour (doesnt make it right or wrong). Being yourself is not an answer in itself. Being aware and skilled to adapt is.

I know some will say W.T.F. I am who I am (popeye syndrome) trouble is, your not happy with that, are you? So new skills are neccessary. I will speak further to you on PM, should you wish to. Thanks

I will send you a PM and in it I will include my AIM # and/or name. Give me until the top of the hour to get the AIM up and running. I will send the contact info in a PM right away. I think you're on base about this. 'K?

Quote:

Originally posted by Jeff613

I guess I just have to ask this. My lack of social skill, for whatever reason there has been a lack, has been a lifeling handicap to me.

same here bro, what's you're I.Q. if you know? I have noticed that under-educated people with high I.Q.'s (above 150) have a harder time fitting in. Their real problem is they tend to think way in advance of a situtation, and often tend to think to themselves outloud. With the latter mentioned, I myself tend to go through an entire life's worth of planning in just one physical contact moment, it became really scary so I started to seclude myself. With the earlier mentioned, I noticed that me and people I generally get along with can think and have coherant understanding of not less than three different subjects, the problem is; is that when you start thinking on those terms you start talking to yourself to drown out some of the background noises in your head so you can deal with the tasks at hand.

Quote:

Originally posted by Jeff613

It's not as though I have asperger's syndrome and I have had friends, to be sure, but it is obvious at age 35 that this has carried into adulthood and it's cost me some.

asperger's isn't really a syndrome and has little to do with your freind making abilities. asperger's is higher functioning autism, which generally means you get the best of both worlds (autism and being "normal". Your problem is most likely not with any mental defect but with your typical attitude. I know from my own personal experience, that I was so eager to make freinds that I would often do or say anything to make them laugh. The problem with that is obvious, but Ill say it anyways, when you go to extremes to get people to like you, they tend to think of you less of a person and more like a comedy movie.

Quote:

Originally posted by Jeff613

I am nice, I have no problem with getting people to like me or working a crowd when I am in the mood. Maybe I am just really deep down okay with being by myself a lot of the time. Still, I wish I could be theguy who gets a call concerning a party or group outing from time to time. I have no "crew" right now, as is usually the case. I have been pulled aside periodically and told by some friends that unless I stopped making off-color comments (didn't even know I was doing it) that they would stop hanging with me. Sometimes women are uncomfortable around me for "no reason". Maybe I just miss subtle cues. I am getting a little better the older I get, but can social skill be deliberately learned, and if so, where?

Again it seems to me that you are trying to hard. The trick is moderating yourself. For example if you know street magic, do it once in a while to have fun, not to impress. Or say someone states an opinion that you disagree with, simply say you disagree, if they care as to why they'll ask and then keep it breif and concise. Or say someone can't figure out a particular subject say what you know about it in as little words as possible and don't add you're opinion.

As far as how certain peopleact around, I haven't figured that part out yet. With me guys seam to just want to fight me and girls just want to either fuck me silly or just be freinds. I have been told on numberous occasions that women just feel safe when I'm around, they'll even so say so in front of their boyfreinds or husbands (kinda insulting huh?) and I haven't heard as to why guys want to try and fight me.

My entire point is that I was in this guys shoes to, and Im just telling him how I dealt with it.

@Jeff
Your not the only one, i'm antisocial too, but i am antisocial because i want to, and even though i have been trained in psychology and human behavior. I know when i'm doing something that ppl don't like, or when i'm pushing someone away, but thats all my own fault, because most of the time i just really want to be left alone...

Sometimes people with ADHD have mild symptoms that resemble those of Asperger's, even though they don't really have Asperger's syndrome. Even though I'm a very social character, I often don't have the skill of recognizing other people's emotions and it's hard for me to step into their shoes. Yet, as I already said, it doesn't keep me from being a very social guy, it just makes my friends think I'm a little weird.


edit: dyslexia is also known to go hand in hand with ADHD

Drink.

people suck, im alergic to humans

most of all though you can't make people like you< if you try they will hate you even more.

If I read right, you mentioned you can get along with your friends and such when you are in the MOOD. You need to find out what makes you bring that mood out. FOr some people, its very very simple and on the surface, like drinking / smoking / coffee... Some people its deep within. My problem is dealing with stress latelly, at work mostly and from personal life/relationship. I can tell when my body and mind reach a stress point, and all shit breaks loose. It fu**s me up for up to two days at a time, and after doing things at a level of meditationg or self hypnotism, than I can be like new and very sociable, enjoying company, enjoying a drink or what not. Good luck...

read something about buddhism. it can change your life. (to a better)

basically i'm the same way.... as 2 being they guy that never gets called 2 hang out..... or go out.... but i tend 2 b the guy that calls ppl and is like hey..... lets get some friends and have a few drinks.. as for the talking part.... idk i just kinda stopped talking last year..... i realised when ever i tryed i just said the wrong thing be it in relationships.... or ne thing..... so i tend 2 just b the silent bob type... unless its calling somebody or ordering something... it seems 2 work out well..... but then ppl are like talk.... y dont you talk damnit..... i just shrug..... then they go taking it personally or something like i dont like them....

walk up to the girls and lickem between the eyes. Kockem down and lickem betwen the thighs

Well, at least I feel a little less isolated in this. I am certainly not the only one around here with this thing. For now I usually do what i can to just not talk any more than necessary, I try to keep my mouth shut about half the time I used to, so that right there cuts down on the chances I'll say anything "out of place". What kills me is when a hot girl or someone who is rather charismatic says something which, if I said it, I would be cricified for. Instead everyone just kind of blows it off. Sure, they can admit to wearing the same pair of pants for the past four days because they had no clean laundry, but when I do it I'm looked at like a fucking health hazard.

I just wish I was not so easily dismissed as a person and could draw people in a tad easier. I am tired of feeling like people could either take me or leave me and it's no difference to them.

I wish there was some mildy populated planet I could move to where you can say whatever the fuck you want at any time.

hehehehe man . I wish I could explain what you're goin through. I understand what you mean exactly, the example about you talking about your pants, and how people respond to what you say. Today, during work, I stepped out stressed out as hell and visited a friend's dinner get together. Well ... someone mentioned I had looked tired and had a stain on my pants, well I went to the same party after work, relaxed, better mood, and people complemented me ... how's that for psychology or err tele-psychology! whatever ... so BE HAPPY !