Whats your best joke?

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish. The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish. It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. 'He's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?" "No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin! "It's no good,' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he ll be able to do the evil deed? So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him. The moral? Hans that does dishes is as soft as Jervaise with mild green hairy-lip squid.

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" She asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He'd come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"

Two Men are driving down the interstate when one notices a sign that says "College of Logic 5 miles." Neither one knows what it means and are both curious. The two men take the exit to the college and the driver goes in to investigate. He quickly finds a professor to explain...

The driver asks "What does 'College of Logic' mean?" Professor replies "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a Lawn mower?" Driver: "Yes, I do." Prof: "Well, then I can logically assume that you have a yard."

Driver says "Yep, I have a very big yard." Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a house." Driver: "I have a very big house." Prof: "Then I can logically assume that you have a family." Driver: "I have a wife and two kids."

Prof says "Then I can logically assume that you are heterosexual." Driver: "Yes Sir, straight as a board, always have been. I think I understand what this school is all about, thank you for your time."

Then the driver heads back out to the car to continue on his way. When he gets back to the car, the passenger asks about the school...

His mate questions "So, what's it all about?" The driver says "Well, I can best answer your question by asking you a question. Do you own a Lawn mower?" Passenger says "No." "Then you're a fag!"

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?" Only one word leapt to mind... my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

The Pope was having a shower and although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church." "This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life." So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.

The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera. That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?" "Two million dollars" replied the Pope. "TWO MILLION DOLLARS!" said the housekeeper," They must have seen you coming!"

A pompous minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

A man enters his favourite restaurant and sits at his regular table. Looking around, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks him to send their most expensive bottle of Merlot over to her, knowing that if she accepts it she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and takes it over to the girl, saying, "This is from the gentleman over there," indicating him. She regards the wine coolly for a second and decides to send a note over to the man.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the lady.

It read: "For your information - I happen to have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage, plus I have over twenty-million dollars in the bank. But not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back."

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. He approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?" The bartender tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money." "What are the three tests?" "Pay first. Those are the rules."

So the guy gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills. Bartender says "Okay, here's what you have to do... First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

The man responds, "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do all that... it's impossible!" "Well, you asked, and I told you... those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar" comes the reply.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.

Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence. Just when they think the man must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body. "Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully, and after several months, it worked. She grew great boobies! One morning, she was running late. She was on the bus, when she realised she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point, she loved her new boobies and didn't want to lose them, she got up right in the middle of the bus and said "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith, by any chance?" "Why, yes, I do! How did you know?" "Hickory dickory dock

A woman goes into a sports store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's 21st birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A check-out clerk is standing there wearing dark glasses.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him, but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's an eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel, spooled with 20lb Berkley Fireline. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $199.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises it's not likely that the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. He may not even know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please." The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199.00? How did you get $254.50?" He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199.00, but the duck caller is $36.00 and the fishing bait is $19.50."

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks: "Mummy what's that?" Somewhat flustered she quickly replies: "Well dear that is my sponge."

Content with her answer off he goes... Later he runs into the living room and asks "Mummy may I play with your sponge?" again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it." This pacifies him for the moment and back out to play he goes.

Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mummy I found the sponge, I found the sponge." Confused the mother asks "You did and where did you find it?" Johnny proudly stated "The maids got it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. "I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm. "What sort of horse?" said the owner. "A female horth," the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare.

"Nithe horth," says the dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. "Nith eyth," says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. "Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.

By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. "Nith eerth," he says "now can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says "Perhaps I should weefwaze that... can I see her wun awound?"

The Nun teaching church school was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Mary raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands." "Why do you think it's your hands?"

Mary replied, "... Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!" "Oh what a wonderful answer!" the Nun said.

Little Harry raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs." The Nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little Harry, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Harry said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Daddy hadn't of had her pinned down, we'd have lost her."

A chemist walks into his shop to find a customer leaning heavily against the wall. "What's wrong with that man?" he asks his assistant. "Well," the assistant replies. "He came in this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative!"

"You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" splutters the chemist. "Yes, you can. Look at him... now he's afraid to cough!"

I dont know which one to laugh at first!!!

HA HA! The dwarf joke is brilliant! thumbs up for who ever made that one up! haha!

I like the joke about the dwarf with the lisp the best!

A young woman visits the doctor for a breast examination. When he sees her he is surprised to see an ‘O’-shaped mark on her chest. ‘Oh’, she explains. ‘That’s from my boyfriend’s Oxford University jumper. He likes to wear it when we have sex and the crest rubs against my skin.’ A couple of weeks later, another girl is in for a breast examination. She whips her top off, and there is a ‘C’ in the middle of her chest. The doctor raises an eyebrow while the girl explains that her lover likes to wear his Cambridge University jumper during sex. Weeks later, a third girl comes in for an examination and she has a ‘W’ on her chest. ‘Ah!’ cries the doctor. ‘Let me guess, you have a boyfriend at Warwick?’ ‘No,‘ smiles the girl. ‘I’ve got a girlfriend at Manchester.’