Hillarious Links and The bizzare world of the Internet (FUNNY)

http://www.nsc.org/lrs/statinfo/odds.htm

what are your odds of dying

http://www.project-euh.com/cursors/?link=ok

lose ur cursor in this and to get out minimise your screen first

Let it load, its worth it, Nothing but net!!!

[URL]http://francois.ravaillac.[blacklisted]/video/basket.php[/URL]

http://francois.
ravaillac.free.
fr/video/basket.php

put it all back together

dID YOU know there was a town in Austria called fucking.... true no bull, check it out its hillarious

http://www.snopes.com/photos/signs/austria.asp

These are great!


And yes, shit happens.

Quote:

EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.

Quote:

Originally posted by wineanddine

And The sound of shit happening???

SHIT HAPPENS
in various world religions

They forgot:

UNIONISM: Shit happens, blame the pope.

These are my favourtes

AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?

ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit! rofl

http://laughstreet.com/HTMLs/Videohtmls/Chuck_Norris_Reads_the_Facts.html

The true facts about CHUCK NORRIS......

Why did the Chicken Cross the road, an age old question and here are some celebrity answers


Howard Stern's Answer:
I'm afraid to answer that because the FCC would fine me for it! Wait until I'm on satellite radio, then I'll tell you.


Jose Canseco's Answer:
The chicken was juiced up on steroids! Mark McGwire and I would shoot the chicken in the buttocks everyday after baseball practice. All the details are in my new book.


Jessica Simpson 's Answer:
Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?


Homer Simpson 's Answer:
There was free beer on the other side of the road.


Bill Cosby 's Answer:
Weeelll, ya see, the chicken crossed the road, and to get... to...the jello pudding pops.


Snoop Dogg 's Answer:
This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know
what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'.


Linda Tripp 's Answer:
"I've been friends with this chicken for a long time. I only recorded the chicken's crossing of the road because it was important for the country to know what was going on Pennsylvania Ave."


Isaac Newton 's Answer:
The duck suggested to the chicken that they play
follow the leader then the duck crossed the road causing the chicken to cross after it, but at the same time holding up traffic, thus proving that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction .


Shakespeare 's Answer:
To cross or not to cross, that is the question.


Rene Descartes 's Answer:
Since the chicken does not really exist it was only an illusion that the chicken crossed the road. This illusion was only in my mind. Therefore I created the chicken that crossed the road.


Ken Lay's Answer:
I was not aware of the chicken's crossing the road or of any accounting tricks used by Enron to disguise the chicken's true position.


John Kerry's Answer:
I agree that the chicken should cross the road, but I believe that the chicken should not get to the other side..


Pete Rose 's Answer:
I don't know, but I swear I didn't bet on it.


Gandhi 's Answer:
All chickens should peacefully resist by crossing the road.


Steve Jobs 's (Apple) Answer:
Because of the brand-new iChicken- a portable device that crosses roads, lays eggs, gives wakeup calls and provides dinner, automatically. This amazing device can simply plug in to the $4000 iCoop to produce additional iChickens and recharge existing iChickens, or plug it into the $9000 iChop to convert iChicken files into iFood. iFood-to-Regular Food converters sell for an additional $50/month fee, however the optional iFood-to-FoodXP converter is still in development. iChickens are only available from authorized iDealers, which can be found in nearly every US state. If your iChicken develops a disease or stops working, you must send it by FedEx Overnight to Littleton, Montana and our iTechnicians will send you a replacement within 3 months. The iChicken. Wow.


Colin Powell 's Answer:
This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily.


Darwin's Answer:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Another Answer:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.


(former) Iraq Information Minister:
There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.


Moses's Answer:
And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


David Hume's Answer:
Out of custom and habit.


Douglas Adams's Answer:
Forty-two.


Epicurus's Answer:
For fun.


Henry David Thoreau's Answer:
To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.


Hippocrates's Answer:
Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.


Howard Cosell's Answer:
It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly
relegated to homosapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.


Jack Nicholson's Answer:
'Cause it (censored) wanted to.
That's the (censored) reason.


John Sununu 's Answer:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.


Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe's Answer:
The eternal hen-principle made it do it.


Johnny Cochran 's Answer:
Because the road was black and the chicken was white. We must acquit.


Machiavelli's Answer:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The
end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Another Answer:
So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which
has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear,
for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained


Arthur Andersen Consultant's Answer:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impact environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the
chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards
the creation of a total business integration solution. (Andersen
Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.


Mark Twain's Answer:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.


Ralph Waldo Emerson's Answer:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.


Salvador Dali 's Answer:
The Fish.


Secretary Cheney's Answer:
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they
wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need
help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the
road myself.


Senator Lieberman's Answer:
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in
his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no
chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own
way.


The Sphinx's Answer:
You tell me.


Neil Armstrong's Answer:
To go where no chicken has gone before.

Another Answer:
That's one small step for Chicken, one giant leap for Chicken kind.


Thomas de Torquemada's Answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.


Timothy Leary's Answer:
Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.


George Bush's Answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.



Al Gore's Answer:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

Another Answer:
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them


Bill Gates' Answer:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.


Martha Stewart's Answer:
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.


Dr. Seuss' Answer:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!


Ernest Hemingway's Answer:
To die. In the rain. Alone.


Martin Luther King Jr's Answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.


Grandpa's Answer:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.


Barbara Walters' Answer:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.


Ralph Nader's Answer:
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been pollutedby unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Another Answer:
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire
makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to
create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing
there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with
chickens.


Jerry Seinfield's Answer:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"


Pat Buchanan's Answer:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.


Rush Limbaugh's Answer:
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.


Jerry Falwell's Answer:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side.".


John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.


Aristotle's Answer:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Another Answer:
To actualize it’s potential.


Karl Marx's Answer:
It was a historical inevitability.


Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.


Voltaire's Answer:
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the death its right to do it.


Captain Kirk's Answer:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.


Fox Mulder's Answer:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?


Scully's Answer:
It was a simple bio-mechanical reflex that is commonly found in chickens.


Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

Another Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.


The Bible's Answer:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.


Albert Einstein's Answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

Another Answer:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.


Sigmund Freud's Answer:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.


L.A.P.D.'s Answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.


Richard Nixon's Answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Another Answer:
I don't know any chickens.
I have never known any chickens.


Buddha's Answer:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.


Joseph Stalin's Answer:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.


Carl Jung's Answer:
The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and, therefore, synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.


Louis Farrakhan's Answer:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.


John Locke's Answer:
Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.


Albert Camus' Answer:
It doesn't matter; the chicken's actions have no meaning except to him.


Oliver Stone's Answer:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road?" but is rather "Who was crossing the road at the same time whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Another Answer:
National Security was at stake


The Pope's Answer:
That is only for God to know.


Immanuel Kant's Answer:
chicken, being an autonomous being, chose to cross the road of his own free will.

Another Answer:
The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as
chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history


MC. Escher's Answer:
That depends on which plane of reality the chicken was on at the time.


George Orwell's Answer:
Because the government had fooled him into thinking that he was crossing the road of his own free will, when he was really only serving their interests.


Plato's Answer:
For the greater good.


Nietzsche's Answer:
Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.


B.F. Skinner's Answer:
Because the external influences, which had pervaded its sensorium from birth, had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own freewill.


Jean-Paul Sartre's Answer:
In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.


Emily Dickenson's Answer:
Because it could not stop for death.


O.J. Simpson's Answer:
It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.


Ken Starr's Answer:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the president of the United States of America, in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road, until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations, have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.).


Colonel Sanders' Answer:
I missed one?

And ofr some great course info:

Courses for
Men and Women





Courses for Women

Taught by men, for women.

101
Avoiding Walking in Front of the TV

102
Doing Housework Without Complaining

103
Shopping: Buying What You Can Afford, Not What You Can Charge

104
Going to The Washroom Alone
(formerly Coping Without My Friends)

105
Understanding the Male Response to "Do I Look OK?"

106
Exercise: How it Keeps You from Looking Like Your Mother

107
Learning How to Initiate Intimacy

108
How to Apologize When You Are Obviously Wrong

109
Understanding the Male Response to "Am I Fat?"

110
Dishwashers: Rinsing Before Is Not a Must

111
The Toilet Seat: I Can Learn to Put It Down Too

112
Using the Thesaurus: Alternatives to "Make Love"

113
"The Weekend" and "Long Boring Walks" Are Not Synonymous

114
How to Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Embarrass Him

115
The Remote Control: Don't Touch What You Can't Handle

116
You Too Can Be the One to Hang Up the Phone

117
Honest, You Don't Look Like Kim Bassinger – But You're Acceptable

118
Hairspray: The Effects On The Ecosystem
(formerly One Can Is Enough)

119
Runs In Your Nylons? It's Not the End of the World

120
Fishing: Being Able to Bait Your Own Hook

121
Intimacy: More Than Just Lying There

122
Learning to Choose What to Wear In Less Than Four Hours

123
Vacations: Doing Without 4 Suitcases

124
Makeup: The Less is More Theory

125
Nagging: Stop the Insanity!

Courses for Men

Taught by women, for men.

101
Combating Stupidity

102
You Too Can Do Housework

103
P.M.S. – Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut

104
How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray

105
We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas –
Give Us Money

106
Understanding the Female Response To You Coming In Drunk
At 4 AM

107
Wonderful Laundry Techniques
(Formerly "Don't Wash My Silks"

108
Parenting – No, It Doesn't End With Conception

109
Get a Life – Learn How To Cook

110
How Not To Act Like a Butthead When You Are Obviously Wrong

111
Spelling – Even You Can Get It Right

112
Understanding Your Financial Incompetence

113
You – The Weaker Sex

114
Reasons To Give Flowers

115
How To Stay Awake After

116
Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself
Anywhere But the Bathroom

117
Garbage – Getting It To the Curb

118A
You Can Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try

118B
The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake, Take a Shower

119
The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous

120
How To Put The Toilet Seat Down

121
How To Go Shopping With Your Mate and Not Get Lost

122
The Remote Control – Overcoming Your Dependency

123
Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes

124
How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children

125
You Too Can Be a Designated Driver

126
Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked

127
Changing Your Underwear – It Really Works

128
The Attainable Goal – Omitting %@#*! From Your Vocabulary

129
Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary

130
Real Men Ask For Directions

131
How To Take Illness Like a Man

http://gorm.com/

Learn what your name is in VIKING (just what I needed really)

Punk Kittens. Pump up the volume and watch them pussies rock

http://www.rathergood.com/punk_kittens/

Skanky Milf Spreads

Bill Gates got one

Look I couldnt resist this one... Anyone that works as a sysop will relate to this. it would be funny if it wasnt so true. REMEMBER.... computers were meant to free up our lifE.

http://www.dancingpaul.com/

Make paul dance

job application

http://www.fazed.org/video/?id=273

Bubble blower extrodinaire

Foreign Signs and Notices with CRAP English



In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you
are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when
lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is
the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastary: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope
for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red
beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck
let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courageous, efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush
we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were
executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on
our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be
used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extrcted by the
latest Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has
been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on
your own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to
right.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them
in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any
suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other
diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in
your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot
heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first,
but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.