Ada – Blue-haired, smells of wee.
Aileen - Laughs like a demented dog. Likes Tic-Tacs.
Alison - Bra and pants are the same garment. Looks better with the light off.
Amanda - I.Q. tends to be smaller than bra size. Probably a good shag though.
Amy - Devious, likes being on top, never stays the night - not to be trusted.
Andrea - Small breasts, drinks pints.
Angela - Vain, hairstyle more important than oxygen. Usually found hanging around toilets.
Annabelle - Doesn`t wear knickers.
Anne - Looks like a horse, can`t drive.
Annette - She`s BIG.
Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance.
Becky - Repressed alcoholic.
Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.
Beverley - Trapped in an Eighties time-warp.
Bianca – Blonde on top, ginger below.
Bridget - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.
Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society.
Camilla - Replaces the word “yes” with “ya”.
Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears.
Carrie - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn`t go down.
Catherine - Attracted to older women, needs ironing.
Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.
Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem.
Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass.
Christine - Likes women in uniform, cold hands.
Claire - Usually neurotic, gives good head, can have bisexual tendencies.
Daisy - Virgin.
Danielle - Should make nice threesome with sibling.
Davina - Drug-induced mental damage, should shave her neck.
Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips.
Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands.
Dee - Cannot understand why no one else masturbates in Ikea.
Denise - Sits on cats, wears too much make up.
Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle. Adds nothing to society.
Donna - Seventies throw-back, likes cabbage.
Doris - Purple-haired, stinks of wee.
Dorothy - Big, tall woman who talks shite all day.
Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths.
Elizabeth - Born to perform, hates chickens.
Ellie - Far too attractive for the filthy language that come out of her mouth.
Emily - Wears odd socks, likes gravy.
Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good-looker.
Estelle - Likes Wombles, eats grass.
Esther - Plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed.
Faith - Legs meet at knees, can`t shag standing up.
Faye - Wears wellies, can`t swim.
Felicity - She`ll stab you with her nipples, plays darts.
Fiona - Female mud wrestler, likes going down on her lovers.
Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness.
Gaynor - Lesbian, but doesn’t know it.
Gemma - Does anal, wears too much eye make-up.
Georgina - Wants to be a man.
Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying.
Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.
Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies.
Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking.
Gwen - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath.
Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.
Heather - Shags like a freight train, a screamer.
Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins.
Helen - Hangs around with the wrong crowd, kinky in bed, loves porn.
Hilary - Frigid.
Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.
Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.
Ingrid - Nazi tendencies, never smiles.
Jackie - Heroin addict, sold her child.
Jane - Babe, I`d drink her bath water.
Janet - Massive overbite, no neck.
Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often.
Jessica – Virgin and always will be.
Joanne - Moans in her sleep, can’t cook.
Judith - Big eyes, small tits.
Judy - Huge tits, girlfriend is on the LPGA tour!!!
Julia - Innocent face, don`t trust her, she`ll steal your wallet in five minutes.
Julie - Jabba the Hutt`s sister, constantly pregnant.
Justine - Comedy tits, likes hanging around women`s toilets.
Karen - Good tits, shags like a rabbit.
Kate - See Catherine.
Kathleen - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.
Kay - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.
Kelly - Smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing.
Kimberley - Wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig.
Kirsty - Eats live moles, can`t dance.
Kylie - Can`t sing but who cares.
Lara - Action-packed, never seen naked.
Laura – Always wears a dildo, can`t drive.
Lauren – Nasal hair, seldom ventures out at night.
Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.
Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.
Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men.
Lily - Teenage slag, can swallow oranges whole.
Lindsey - Likes doggy-style, doesn`t do housework.
Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn.
Liz - Long legged and brainy.
Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet of Jellybabies.
Louise - Likes to get around, saggy tits.
Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to shag her mum.
Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors.
Maggie - Train-spotter, likes tartan.
Marcia - Big bum, small brain.
Margaret – Rides a moped, very generous.
Maria – Eats like a horse, outstays her welcome.
Marie – Wife-swapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY.
Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear.
Martine - Can`t act, can`t sing, nice tits.
Maryanne – Mean, vicious.
Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz.
Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.
Melanie – Shaved off her eyebrows.
Melissa - Eats dogs, been in prison six times for burglary.
Mercedes - Dances like an ape, doesn`t realise.
Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them.
Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.
Monica - Doesn`t swallow, should have.
Nancy - White hair, pimples.
Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver.
Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.
Natasha - Had seven kids before she was 17, needs ironing.
Nicola - Hasn`t realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.
Nicole - Slapper, alcoholic in denial.
Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.
Olivia - Neutron bomb.
Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic.
Pat – Wishes she was a police officer.
Paula - Transvestite merchant banker from Basildon.
Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes women to be moist.
Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar.
Priscilla - Likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly.
Rachel - Amazing gravity-defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her arse cheeks.
Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.
Rosie - Can be prickly, bit of a bitch.
Rula - She measures up well.
Ruth - Can swallow a Curly Whirly whole, likes bananas.
Sadie – Wears big pants, shags like a chimp.
Sally - Drives a truck, fights in pubs.
Samantha - Loves her brother, has four deformed children.
Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.
Sara - Likes pressed flowers and writes bad poetry.
Selina - Doesn`t wear pants, heavy laundry bills.
Sharon - Shags like a locomotive, yo-yo knickers.
Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.
Simone - Used to be a shot-putter from Cardiff.
Sonia – Prostitute, wears aftershave.
Sophie - Brothel madam, wears a wrinkly corset.
Stacey - Likes cut-off jeans and arse-less Speedos.
Steffi - Closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.
Stephanie - Eats microwave chips, wears brogues.
Sue/Suzanne - Should shave more often.
Tallulah - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens.
Tamsin - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair.
Tanya - Hot minx, too short.
Tara - Upper-class slapper, needs extra chemicals.
Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat more.
Tori - Lives in a hedge, can`t water-ski.
Tracey – Dyke who can’t pass.
Ursula - Likes puppies (in curry).
Vicky - Likes Yoga, does loud fanny farts.
Wendy - Possibly a man.
Yvonne – Easy-going, problem with facial hair.
Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon.
Aileen - Laughs like a demented dog. Likes Tic-Tacs.
Alison - Bra and pants are the same garment. Looks better with the light off.
Amanda - I.Q. tends to be smaller than bra size. Probably a good shag though.
Amy - Devious, likes being on top, never stays the night - not to be trusted.
Andrea - Small breasts, drinks pints.
Angela - Vain, hairstyle more important than oxygen. Usually found hanging around toilets.
Annabelle - Doesn`t wear knickers.
Anne - Looks like a horse, can`t drive.
Annette - She`s BIG.
Barbara - Shags like a rabbit, not fussy about appearance.
Becky - Repressed alcoholic.
Belinda - Pleasing on the eye, usually has a couple of good points.
Beverley - Trapped in an Eighties time-warp.
Bianca – Blonde on top, ginger below.
Bridget - Eats pizzas all day, smokes cigars.
Britney - Falsely improved, no use to society.
Camilla - Replaces the word “yes” with “ya”.
Caroline - Lard arse, shaves her ears.
Carrie - Looks like the back of a bus, doesn`t go down.
Catherine - Attracted to older women, needs ironing.
Celine - Emits hideous noises, waste of DNA.
Charlotte - Enjoys tea and cake, farts the national anthem.
Cheryl - Can fit hand in mouth, eats glass.
Christine - Likes women in uniform, cold hands.
Claire - Usually neurotic, gives good head, can have bisexual tendencies.
Daisy - Virgin.
Danielle - Should make nice threesome with sibling.
Davina - Drug-induced mental damage, should shave her neck.
Dawn - Gets up early, smells of chips.
Deborah - Bites the pillow, uses both hands.
Dee - Cannot understand why no one else masturbates in Ikea.
Denise - Sits on cats, wears too much make up.
Diane - Enjoys company of animals. Deep as a puddle. Adds nothing to society.
Donna - Seventies throw-back, likes cabbage.
Doris - Purple-haired, stinks of wee.
Dorothy - Big, tall woman who talks shite all day.
Elaine - Rides side saddle, drinks meths.
Elizabeth - Born to perform, hates chickens.
Ellie - Far too attractive for the filthy language that come out of her mouth.
Emily - Wears odd socks, likes gravy.
Emma - Gullible and easily swayed by a good-looker.
Estelle - Likes Wombles, eats grass.
Esther - Plump with sagging breasts, normally heavily tattooed.
Faith - Legs meet at knees, can`t shag standing up.
Faye - Wears wellies, can`t swim.
Felicity - She`ll stab you with her nipples, plays darts.
Fiona - Female mud wrestler, likes going down on her lovers.
Gail - Farts a lot, drinks Guinness.
Gaynor - Lesbian, but doesn’t know it.
Gemma - Does anal, wears too much eye make-up.
Georgina - Wants to be a man.
Geraldine - Too posh for her own good, likes flying.
Gillian - Dyes her hair green, likes clubbing.
Gina - Eternal mother, eats nappies.
Glenda - Eats children, hates smoking.
Gwen - Blubs a lot, wees in the bath.
Hannah - Needs to be naked at all times, eats kebabs.
Heather - Shags like a freight train, a screamer.
Heidi - The hills are alive with the sound of music, likes gherkins.
Helen - Hangs around with the wrong crowd, kinky in bed, loves porn.
Hilary - Frigid.
Holly - Prickly to the touch, seasonal shagmeister.
Imogen - Drinks tequila from the bottle, wets the bed.
Ingrid - Nazi tendencies, never smiles.
Jackie - Heroin addict, sold her child.
Jane - Babe, I`d drink her bath water.
Janet - Massive overbite, no neck.
Jennifer - Huge breasts, should shave her legs more often.
Jessica – Virgin and always will be.
Joanne - Moans in her sleep, can’t cook.
Judith - Big eyes, small tits.
Judy - Huge tits, girlfriend is on the LPGA tour!!!
Julia - Innocent face, don`t trust her, she`ll steal your wallet in five minutes.
Julie - Jabba the Hutt`s sister, constantly pregnant.
Justine - Comedy tits, likes hanging around women`s toilets.
Karen - Good tits, shags like a rabbit.
Kate - See Catherine.
Kathleen - Smells of sewers, eats the heads off rats.
Kay - Hated by her parents, accidental pregnancy.
Kelly - Smells of cheese, slobbers when kissing.
Kimberley - Wants to be a bloke, drinks like a bloke, farts like a bloke, wears a wig.
Kirsty - Eats live moles, can`t dance.
Kylie - Can`t sing but who cares.
Lara - Action-packed, never seen naked.
Laura – Always wears a dildo, can`t drive.
Lauren – Nasal hair, seldom ventures out at night.
Leah - Likes outdoor sex, wees standing up.
Lena - Eats food then throws up, rapidly shrinking.
Leslie - Likes bondage, hates men.
Lily - Teenage slag, can swallow oranges whole.
Lindsey - Likes doggy-style, doesn`t do housework.
Lisa - Will take all your money and run, gets turned on by porn.
Liz - Long legged and brainy.
Lorraine - Constantly whinges, will strip for a packet of Jellybabies.
Louise - Likes to get around, saggy tits.
Lucy - Strange dancer, wants to shag her mum.
Madeline - Drives like a bloke, likes tractors.
Maggie - Train-spotter, likes tartan.
Marcia - Big bum, small brain.
Margaret – Rides a moped, very generous.
Maria – Eats like a horse, outstays her welcome.
Marie – Wife-swapping dominatrix. Likes men to do DIY.
Marina - No get up and go, rusty underwear.
Martine - Can`t act, can`t sing, nice tits.
Maryanne – Mean, vicious.
Matilda - Likes dancing, mainly the waltz.
Meg - Cheesy smell, should be spelt with an S.
Melanie – Shaved off her eyebrows.
Melissa - Eats dogs, been in prison six times for burglary.
Mercedes - Dances like an ape, doesn`t realise.
Michaela - Likes animals, should make a video with them.
Michelle - Wears white stilettos, dances round her handbag.
Monica - Doesn`t swallow, should have.
Nancy - White hair, pimples.
Naomi - Wannabe diva, more of a diver.
Natalie - Eats with her mouth open, farts the Nokia phone tune.
Natasha - Had seven kids before she was 17, needs ironing.
Nicola - Hasn`t realised WWII has ended, lives in Kent.
Nicole - Slapper, alcoholic in denial.
Nina - Stuffs her bra with tissues, been single for years.
Olivia - Neutron bomb.
Pamela - Gives amazing head, made of plastic.
Pat – Wishes she was a police officer.
Paula - Transvestite merchant banker from Basildon.
Penelope - Pitstop queen, likes women to be moist.
Phillippa - Forest forager, likes wild boar.
Priscilla - Likes painting with oils, Duckhams mainly.
Rachel - Amazing gravity-defying breasts, can grip a tenner in her arse cheeks.
Rebecca - Hairy armpits, orgasms without contact.
Rosie - Can be prickly, bit of a bitch.
Rula - She measures up well.
Ruth - Can swallow a Curly Whirly whole, likes bananas.
Sadie – Wears big pants, shags like a chimp.
Sally - Drives a truck, fights in pubs.
Samantha - Loves her brother, has four deformed children.
Sandra - Shags donkeys for fun, bow legged.
Sara - Likes pressed flowers and writes bad poetry.
Selina - Doesn`t wear pants, heavy laundry bills.
Sharon - Shags like a locomotive, yo-yo knickers.
Sian - Does mean sheep impression, hates mint sauce.
Simone - Used to be a shot-putter from Cardiff.
Sonia – Prostitute, wears aftershave.
Sophie - Brothel madam, wears a wrinkly corset.
Stacey - Likes cut-off jeans and arse-less Speedos.
Steffi - Closet lesbian, maintains heterosexual relationship for effect.
Stephanie - Eats microwave chips, wears brogues.
Sue/Suzanne - Should shave more often.
Tallulah - Easily swayed by alcohol. Mostly seen without underwear. Loves kittens.
Tamsin - You can park a bike in her arse crack, excessive facial hair.
Tanya - Hot minx, too short.
Tara - Upper-class slapper, needs extra chemicals.
Tina - Face like a smacked arse, should eat more.
Tori - Lives in a hedge, can`t water-ski.
Tracey – Dyke who can’t pass.
Ursula - Likes puppies (in curry).
Vicky - Likes Yoga, does loud fanny farts.
Wendy - Possibly a man.
Yvonne – Easy-going, problem with facial hair.
Zoe - Talentless rock chick. Prepared to use sex as a weapon.
* This post has been modified
: 18 years ago
