Rhetorical Questions
(and other jokes)
Why do the needles used in lethal injections have to be sterile?
Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?
Why do you drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do noses run and feet smell?
Why is it that night falls, and dawn cracks, but day breaks?
Why is Greenland ice and Iceland green?
How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
I have the world's largest Seashell collection...I have them scattered on
beaches all over the world.
I have a box of instant water at home...problem is I dont know what to add..
When shooting a mime should you use a silencer?
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
Yesterday, I was, oh no, that wasn't me.
Did you hear about the guy who got fired for getting his hand stuck in the
dishwasher? They fired the dishwasher too......
Procrastinate now!
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.
SAVE THE WALES.....HARPOON A FAT CHICK !!
...When she sunbathes, Greenpeace tries to put her back in the water!
Love your neighbor but don't get caught. Dr. J.
Why do stores that stay open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year have locks on the
front doors??
"Will I respect you in the morning? Gee, I wasn't planning on staying that
long."
Reincarnation: life sucks, then you die. Then life sucks again.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
What does the Easter Bunny get for making baskets? 2 or 3 points like everyone
else.
From the Sunday Plain Dealer Magazine, news of the Weird section; The Avon,
Colorado town council resorted to a contest in September to name the new bridge
over the Eagle River, linking Interstate 70 with U.S. 6. Sifting through 84
suggestions (such as "Eagle Crossing"
, the council voted, 4-2, to give it the
official name "Bob."
Huge berserk rebel warthog. (George Herbert Walker Bush.)
"If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste more like
prunes than rhubarb does." -Groucho Marx
Confucius say : "There can never be such a thing as rape, because woman with
skirts up run faster than man with pants down."
Confucius say "Man who walk middle of road get run over by bus."
"He who let woman on top is f***ing up."
"People who make Confucius joke speak bad English."
From the 26-May-88 Wall Street Journal:
In an Orkin Exterminating Co. survey of what pests Pitsburghers fear most, 1.3%
named their spouses and kids.
When I was at Swarthmore, a physics prof I worked for had the lab group rolling
on the floor and laughing by telling MIT stories. My favorite was the one about
the Green building, where over winter break two dozen students entered the
building and spent a couple of weeks interchanging the 12th and 13th floors.
They rewired the phones and the elevator, repainted numbers on doors, moved
furnature around. I'm told the hoax went undetected until someone tried to walk
down the stairs from the 12th floor.
Confucius say: I didn't say that!
Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat-house.
Confucius say: Baseball all wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
The one my friend always used was (and it worked) You're in one car and the one
your giving the line to is in another. you say "Excuse me,I'm lost, could you
give me some directions?" they say "sure, where to?" you say "your house?" it
actually worked.
"If it feels good, do it, if it feels really good, do it alot."
Heard on the news last night that the hardware stores in South Florida are
having a hard time keeping up with the demand for flat house paint....
Why were there 600 mexicans at the Alamo? They only had two cars.
Two guys in a Yugo were arrested last night in Oakland following a push-by
shooting incident.
The new Yugo has an air bag. When you sense an impending accident, start pumping
real fast.
JOIN THE MARINES
Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.
(Nat.G--(but only on weekends))
"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question....or is it?"
I'm growing older but not up... - Jimmy Buffett
Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard
and give you an opportunity to commit more.
-- Mark Twain
"Do not adjust you mind, it is reality that is malfunctioning."
"After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?"
Always feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning,
that's the best they're going to feel all day.
The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket
boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface
impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshhold of
physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound
booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.
A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-personnel
devices." You probably call them bombs.
At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were
placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works,
calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory
route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a
government agency.
How do you get out of a log cabin with no doors or windows? Only a mirror and a
table are inside with you.
Answer: You look in the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and cut the
table in half. Take the two halves and make a whole. Climb out the hole.
Q: What does a math graduate say to a sociology graduate?
A: I'll have the burger and fries, please.
Proof that Horses have an infinite number of legs:
(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
legs for a horse.
(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
"I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in
his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child."
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I
just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
[slow glance upward]
If I'd know that I was going to live so long, I'd have taken better care of
myself
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
A man should live forever, or die trying.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.--Charlie
McCarthy
A New York city ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the rear of a
Third Avenue street car--if the car is in motion.
A hypothetical paradox:
What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always
get killed soon after appearing, and a squad
of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?
-- Tom Galloway
Alex Haley was adopted!
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to
enjoy it.
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun.
Money's just the way we keep score.
Pittsburgh Driver's Test
(8) Pedestrians are
(a) irrelevant.
(b) communists.
(c) a nuisance.
(d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally
irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
-- Publilius Syrus
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street
lamp.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Remember: Oprah spelled backwards is Harpo!
Example: Movie 'Blues Brothers' Dan Aykroyd & John Belushi.
"Its a 106 mi to Chicago, we have a full tank of gas, 1/2 a pack of cigarettes,
its dark and we 're wearing sun glasses"
"Hit it"
From the same movie, same characters being stopped by a cop:
"Shit!"
"What?"
"Rollers."
"No!"
"Yeah."
"Shit."
But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the
nearest gas station.
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but
most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Cigarette, n.: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
between.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
solitude is the soul of genius.
Do not adjust your brain -- reality is out of adjustment.
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted
Don't get even -- get odd!
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
Don't you wish you were where you were when you were wishing you were here?
Drive defensively. Buy a tank.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.
Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and the
instruction afterward.
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western
Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a
distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant
little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly
primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea ...
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
The memories of a man in his old age/Are the deeds of a man in his
prime.--PFloyd
"Please return stewardess to original upright position"
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
"Vote for Perot" - Bumper sticker attached with velcro.
Jesus Saves
Moses steals the puck, shoots and scores!
And remember, America's hospitals reported 87 cases of men reporting to the
emergency room after their penis got stuck in a vacuum cleaner last year.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn
on the headlights, does anything happen?
"I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly].........and says 'Here, you can go.'
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals
pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". As
he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't
know the first thing about shark fishing."
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.
Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.
