Dane Cook's Conversation with a Hooker

Quote:

Hooker: Hi honey, you looking for a party?

Dane Cook: You know, why do they call it a party? It’s not a party. Mardi Gras is a party. I say nay, it’s not a party. It’s just two people. Two consenting adults doing, the uhhh, pachango. We’re two adults just doing a little bit of the old la la la bamba. If you know what I mean.

That’s not a party. When I hear party, I’m thinking of, like, 50 friends, and we’re all in a room and then one of them is like, “hey Dane, we should have a party bro! It would so cool if we had a party!”. And I’m like, yes, Y-E-S, let’s do THAT!

We fuckin’ go to the store, we buy some drinks, we buy some chips. For me, Pringles. Awww, dude, fuckin’ love the Pringles bro! I like how you can put two in your mouth at a time in opposing directions and it looks like you have a duck bill. I walk around the party, right? I walk around with these Pringles in my mouth, and my friends are like, “Dane, you look like a duck. You’re very duck like right now.” But I’m not! I’m not a duck! I just have Pringles in my mouth.



Sometimes, I have to take the Pringles out of my mouth, because my friends are like “who let the ducks in?” Kind of like “who let the dogs out” except it’s funny because they’re ducks. And I have to take the Pringles out of my mouth, because I look so duck like. And then that friend is all like “don’t DO that to me Dane! I thought you looked very duck like and I was going to slayyouwithmyhuntingrifleyoulookverytasty.”

But that doesn’t stop me from strutting around the party, flapping my wings, elongating my neck, I get really into it. Fucking love the Pringles. And ducks. High five, bro! Oh, also, at some point, when I’m flapping my wings and being very duck like even though I’m not a duck I’m just a dude with Pringles in my mouth, at some point during that cavalcade of hilarity…I shit on the coats. Ha ha! You know how I move in a circular fashion towards my goal.


Yeah, you look confused by that last sentence. Don’t be. I can explain. People, what they normally do in that situation, they say “you know how I roll.” But I don’t do that. No, I don’t. I like to be different. See this?



That’s a Superfinger. See how edgy and different I am? I don’t just give one finger, I give two. Because I’m different. That’s why I don’t say “you know how I roll” even though I just said “you know how I roll” even though I said I don’t say that. No, I say “you know I move in a circular fashion towards my goal.” It just sounds more elegant and educated. Try it sometime, it’s wonderful. It’s scrumdiddlyumptious.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah, parties! So me and my boys, we’ve got our chips. Again, me with the Pringles. AGH! Relax, friend who thought I was a duck. It’s just me. “Oh Dane, you’re a silly banana!” And then we laugh and tell stories about chicks and listen to, like, the Black Eyed Peas or something. It’s very festive. It’s a very joyous occasion, some may even say raucous. That’s a party.

But this? This is no party. This is just me, Dane, offering you, a hooker, money for sex. Because hookers…

You know what, why do they call them hookers? What are you hooking? I could see if you were a large, curved metal object that could hang from something. But….

Hooker: Ok, on second thought, I’m not interested.