Dear Thimble Dick,
By the time you read this, I'll be blowing your best friend. I'm sorry for doing this but, OK, I'm really not. I know this might comes as a bit of a answered prayer to you - especially because I've been hiding at the bottom of a jug of Gallo. But I'm sorry � I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're totally keen, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Scientologist, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like boudoir role-playing, you eat meat, and enjoy Aqua Velva, and I don't like confessing my love for any of these things. Your favorite movie is The Bare Wench Project, and your favorite band is Whitesnake. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Greenish blue-brown". Anyway, I want to date everyone at your firm. But you know what? I still want to be friends of a friend. We can totally have hot sloppy booty calls . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no spiteful genital tattoos. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you punched my grandmother. So take care of yourself - and irrigate that chancre.
Peace Out,
Dude
P.S. Your box is nasty stank.
Dear Bitch,
By the time you read this, I'll be servicing your sister. I'm sorry for doing this but, OK, I'm really not. I know this might comes as a bit of a surprise to you - especially because you're such a materialistic self-absorbed bitch. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're swell, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Scientologist, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like leather harnesses, you eat noisily, and enjoy flea markets, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is Glitter, and your favorite band is N SYNCH. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Greenish blue-brown". Anyway, I want to date other people. But you know what? I still want to be acquaintances. We can totally talk once a year . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't be bitter like last time. That means no crying. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you cheated on me. So take care of yourself - and good luck.
Stop Calling Me,
Honda
P.S. I fucked your mom, sister and best friend. Twice.
Dear JELL-O Ass,
By the time you read this, I'll be servicing your sister. I'm sorry for doing this but, you left me no other choice. I know this might comes as a bit of a surprise to you - especially because you're an emotional cripple. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're swell, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Scientologist, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like leather harnesses, you eat mayonnaise-based salads, and enjoy flea markets, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is Anything Steven Segal, and your favorite band is The Partridge Family. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Round". Anyway, I want to date other people. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally forget the other is alive . We had some good times, or so you told me . But please, don't be bitter like last time. That means no holding my parents hostage. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you dissected my Dalmatian. So take care of yourself - and choke on your own vomit.
Sincerely,
Jujubeez
P.S. Your box is nasty stank.
Dear JELL-O Ass,
By the time you read this, I'll be hocking your jewelry. I'm sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of a brain aneurysm to you - especially because you're such a materialistic self-absorbed bitch. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're great, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Republican, and I'm sensitive. You like long walks on the beach, you eat meat, and enjoy quilting, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is Anything Steven Segal, and your favorite band is The Partridge Family. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Shiny". Anyway, I want to date the first drunk barfly who'll talk to me. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally file restraining orders . We had some good times, or so you told me . But please, don't get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no holding my parents hostage. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you punched my grandmother. So take care of yourself - and enjoy prison.
Yours In Contempt,
elk
P.S. Your box is nasty stank.
Dear Bitch,
By the time you read this, I'll be long gone. I'm sorry for doing this but, OK, I'm really not. I know this might comes as a bit of a shock to you - especially because you're such a materialistic self-absorbed bitch. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're totally keen, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're into yourself, and I'm beyond that. You like watching TV, you eat noisily, and enjoy quilting, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is Glitter, and your favorite band is N SYNCH. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Nuke me some fucking hash browns!". Anyway, I want to date the first drunk barfly who'll talk to me. But you know what? I still want to be acquaintances. We can totally talk once a year . We had some good times, or so you told me . But please, don't get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no holding my parents hostage. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $100 you owe me, or the fact that you punched my grandmother. So take care of yourself - and irrigate that chancre.
Stop Calling Me,
jasper
P.S. Your box is nasty stank.
DaCowboyinAZ 16 years ago
Bitch,
I fucked your best friend and by the time you read this, I'll be up to my nuts in your little sister. You should have thought about that before you took $300 out of my bank account and wrecked my car. I shredded all your CD's and wiped my ass with your fucking pictures.
P.S. I also fucked your mom. It wasn't easy, but I knew it'd drive you crazy when you found out. You won't recognize her next time you see her, because I shaved her back for once in her life. Still feel like you got the better of me? I wouldn't piss in your mouth if your fucking guts were on fire.
[Deleted] 16 years ago
Dear Passive Aggressive Closet Case,
By the time you read this, I'll be long gone. I'm sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of a answered prayer to you - especially because you're such a materialistic self-absorbed bitch. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're a schmuck, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a German Scat Aficionado, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like declawed rodentia colonics, you eat endangered species, and enjoy Aqua Velva, and I don't like confessing my love for any of these things. Your favorite movie is Glitter, and your favorite band is Rammstein. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Nuke me some fucking hash browns!". Anyway, I want to date the first drunk barfly who'll talk to me. But you know what? I still want to be acquaintances. We can totally forget the other is alive . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no spiteful genital tattoos. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you punched my grandmother. So take care of yourself - and choke on your own vomit.
Yours In Contempt,
creepus
P.S. I'll love you forever. Call me next week..
Dear Castrating Harpy,
By the time you read this, I'll be hocking your jewelry. I'm sorry for doing this but, you left me no other choice. I know this might comes as a bit of a surprise to you - especially because you're such a materialistic self-absorbed bitch. But I'm sorry – I just need freedom. I think you're a psychopath, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Pisces, and I'm sensitive. You like long walks on the beach, you eat inorganic produce, and enjoy defrauding the elderly, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is Patch Adams, and your favorite band is N SYNCH. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Shiny". Anyway, I want to date the first drunk barfly who'll talk to me. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally forget the other is alive . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no botched suicide attempts. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you threw bleach on my face. So take care of yourself - and O.D. on Botox.
Yours In Contempt,
D
P.S. I faked every orgasm.
Dear Castrating Harpy,
By the time you read this, I'll be servicing your sister. I'm sorry for doing this but, you left me no other choice. I know this might comes as a bit of a shock to you - especially because you're such a materialistic self-absorbed bitch. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're a psychopath, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Republican, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like watching TV, you eat mayonnaise-based salads, and enjoy televised sports, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is Patch Adams, and your favorite band is N SYNCH. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Greenish blue-brown". Anyway, I want to date the first drunk barfly who'll talk to me. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally file restraining orders . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't worry like last time. That means no spiteful genital tattoos. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you dissected my Dalmatian. So take care of yourself - and O.D. on Botox.
Eat Shit,
George W Bush
P.S. I'll love you forever. Call me next week..
[Deleted] 16 years ago
Dear Bitch,
By the time you read this, I'll be servicing your sister. I'm sorry for doing this but, OK, I'm really not. I know this might comes as a bit of a brain aneurysm to you - especially because you're too buried in porn to notice. But I'm sorry â I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're swell, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a German Scat Aficionado, and I'm not. You like declawed rodentia colonics, you eat with your feet, and enjoy defrauding the elderly, and I don't like two of these things. Your favorite movie is The Bare Wench Project, and your favorite band is The Partridge Family. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Round". Anyway, I want to date everyone at your firm. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally forget the other is alive . We had some good times, or so you told me . But please, don't get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no botched suicide attempts. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the you owe me, or the fact that you dissected my Dalmatian. So take care of yourself - and choke on your own vomit.
Eat Shit,
Rjwandar
P.S. I'll love you forever. Call me next week..
Dear Bitch,
By the time you read this, I'll be servicing your sister. I'm sorry for doing this but, you left me no other choice. I know this might comes as a bit of a brain aneurysm to you - especially because you're such a materialistic self-absorbed bitch. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're a psychopath, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Scientologist, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like leather harnesses, you eat inorganic produce, and enjoy quilting, and I don't like confessing my love for any of these things. Your favorite movie is I Spit on Your Grave, and your favorite band is C&C Music Factory. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Nuke me some fucking hash browns!". Anyway, I want to date other people. But you know what? I still want to be friends of a friend. We can totally live on opposite coasts . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't be bitter like last time. That means no botched suicide attempts. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $100 you owe me, or the fact that you punched my grandmother. So take care of yourself - and choke on your own vomit.
Eat Shit,
Punnani
P.S. I faked every orgasm.
Dear Castrating Harpy,
By the time you read this, I'll be servicing your sister. I'm sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of a brain aneurysm to you - especially because you're such a materialistic self-absorbed bitch. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're a psychopath, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a German Scat Aficionado, and I'm beyond that. You like leather harnesses, you eat with your feet, and enjoy defrauding the elderly, and I don't like any of these things. Your favorite movie is Anything Steven Segal, and your favorite band is Rammstein. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Nuke me some fucking hash browns!". Anyway, I want to date other people. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally forget the other is alive . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I'm passed out) . But please, don't get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no botched suicide attempts. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $37,229 you owe me, or the fact that you auctioned our love child. So take care of yourself - and enjoy prison.
Eat Shit,
Homer
P.S. I'll love you forever. Call me next week..
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