Best Darn Jokes in the World.

So, I need the best darn jokes that you've heard.

Type them up and post them.

Preferably "clean", but hey, "dirty" ones are okay also.
Others can laugh at them, and I don't have to use them.

Hilarity will ensue. And if they're really good, I'll score bonus points.

So, yes, let's get me some bonus points. And you guys some laughs.

Clean huh? I hope she's not blonde

Blonde Painter



A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to
hire herself out as a "Handywoman" and started
canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.


She went to the front door of the first house, and
asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my
porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man
agreed and told her that the paint and everything she
would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her
husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the
way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting
to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been
getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the d oor to
collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.


Yes," the blonde replied," and I had paint leftover,
so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50
and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus"

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement.
He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard.
He did a number on it.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: a jab well done.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:

"Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read:
"Fridge for sale $50".
The next day someone stole it.

Caution! . . . . . . . . . . .These people Vote

=======

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained,
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?"

When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for sometime), she shook her head and said,
"Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff". . . . . . . . .
She ALSO votes!

==========

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center.
One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open.
I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?"
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . . . . . . .

He ALSO votes!

==========

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking
about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.
She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . . . .
... . .
She ALSO votes!

==========

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car.
It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.
She keeps it in the trunk . . . . .

My sister ALSO votes!

==========

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%.
Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases.
The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount .
. . . . .

He ALSO votes!

==========

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said,
"Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"
I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned. .. . . . .
... . .

My friend ALSO votes!

=========

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area.
So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?".

. . . . . . . . SHE ALSO votes!

=========

While working at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go.
He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.
He though about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 . . .
... . . . .

Yep, he votes too.

=========
Now you know who elects the politicians !

Whats brown and sticky..... a stick.

An elderly man walked into a confessional booth one Saturday evening. The following conversation ensued:

Man: "I am 82 years old, and have a wonderful wife of 60 years; many children; grandchildren; and even a couple of great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. For some reason, they thought I was kind of interesting. One thing led to another, and we ended up at a motel where I had sex with each of them twice."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins?"

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Presbyterian"

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm telling everybody."

Did you know that if Darth Vader was from Arkansas, he would
have told Luke: "Luke, I am your father . . . and your uncle."

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Young man: "I want to marry your daughter Betty, sir."
Father: "Have you seen my wife yet?"
Young man: "Yes, but I'm hoping Betty won't be like her."

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Men know....that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to
get out of the house.

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Who are the five most constipated men in the Old Testament?

~ Cain wasn't Abel.
~ King David sat on the throne for forty years.
~ Solomon - neither heaven nor Earth could move him.
~ Moses went up onto the mountain and took two tablets.
~ Noah was at sea for forty days and forty nights and all
he passed was water.

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"They make vegetarian Hot Pockets now. For those of us that don't eat

meat, but still want diarrhea."

- Jim Gaffigan

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"In Paris, KY do they have the Eiffel Silo?"

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Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was

understood that whoever wanted to quit should say "Enough." Casey got

Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out

several times, "Enough!" As Casey paid no attention, but kept on

administering punishment, a bystander said, "Why don't you let him up?

Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?" "I do," says Casey, "but

he's such a liar, you can't believe him."

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Why is the N.I.H. (National Institute of Health)
replacing rats with lawyers for lab tests?

Three reasons:

1. There are more lawyers then rats.
2. When rats die many lab techies feel bad for them.
3. There are some things a rat will not do.

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The software engineering field is staffed primarily
by men; the ratio of male to female software engineers
is on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy
for women to find potential mates among their peers.

However, software types have a well-earned reputation for
being... a little strange. While discussing the prospect of
working in the software industry, one woman commented to
another:

"The odds are good, but the goods are odd."

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A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected
a large crowd gathered. A lawyer, anxious to get there first,
could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me
through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

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The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.

"Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy?" she asked the
salesclerk.

"It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world,
madam," the shop assistant replied. "Any way he tries to put
it together is wrong."

======================

Ok, it's official. I'm getting old. The other day I was walking
back to my car from the grocery store. Coming into the store was
this smoking hot 19, maybe 20 year old, blonde. I mean she was
hot.

My thought? "I wonder what her mother looks like."

=====================

You may think your boss is stupid, but remember if he
was smart you
probably wouldn't have a job.

==========================


A school girl was required to write an essay of two
hundred and fifty words about an automobile. She
submitted the following:

"My uncle bought a second-hand automobile. He was
riding in the country when it busted up a hill. I
guess this is about fifty words. The other two hundred
are what my uncle said when he was walking back to
town, but they are not fit for publication."

===========================


The U.S. now has 300 million people. We should reach
400 million by 2043. Researchers by then, one out of
four white Americans will be elderly, and one out of
four citizens will be Hispanic.

In other words, we will turn into Miami.

==========================



The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless
of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic
background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe
that we are above average drivers.

===================


As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by
her students she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and
rode off into the sunset."

She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have
problems with homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground.
A burro is an ass. At your age it's time to learn the
difference."

================

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map
reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and
minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me
for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45
degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess
you'd be eating alone."

==========================


BABY - A hollow tube with a loud voice at one end and a complete
lack of responsibility at the other end.
==========================

Two elderly ladies met at the launderette after not seeing one
another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health,
one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a
cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right
there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."


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A man was in the habit of carrying an umbrella wherever he
went. Unfortunately, he broke his last good one. Looking at
the six useless umbrellas in his umbrella stand, he decided to
take them all in and have them repaired.

On the bus on the way home, he picked up the umbrella that
belonged to the woman sitting next to him, purely out of habit.
She immediately cried, "Stop, thief!" and he surrendered the
umbrella. Very embarrassed, he quickly got off the bus.

The next week he picked up his repaired umbrellas.
When he got on the bus with the six umbrellas under his
arm, he just so happened to sit next to the very same woman.
She gave him an icy stare and said, "Had a good day, huh?"


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The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning
Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination,
but you don't have the time?


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I bet it was really tough being an Apostle of Jesus.
What if you wanted a day off?

You ring up Jesus and say, "Jesus, I'm sick today, running
a little fever and feeling congested so I won't be able
to make it to today's sermon.
What...? Say that again?... I'm cured?"

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Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister.
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister,
"it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to
have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" said Joanna. "But what am I going to do with
the BODY?"


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WORST FORTUNE COOKIE FORTUNES

"What, 3 servings of Moo Shoo Pork weren't enough for you, tubby?"

"Your fullness will be short-lived. Like an hour, tops."

"Put all your money and jewelry in the egg roll and nobody
gets hurt."

"Today's dog in alley is tomorrow's moo goo gai pan."

"Patron who mocks waiter's accent will unwittingly consume chef's
bodily fluids."

"Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy.
Ask waitress for application."

"Creative Chinese chef without utensils can still find ways to stir
soup."


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SIGNS TO HANG IN THE OFFICE

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a
perception problem.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do
you explain whales?

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards
who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on
the escape key.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get
along without it.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a
parked car.

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Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A: About eight beers.

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A man was looking over a large assortment of handguns on display. "You might like this one," suggested the dealer, pointing to a rather large model behind the glass counter. "It shoots 18 rounds." "What the fuck do you think I am," the customer snapped, "a polygamist?!"

These two rednecks were hunting one day and all of a sudden one of them keels over, out like a light.

The other redneck, not knowing what to do quickly calls 911. When the operator asks "what's wrong?", He says "I don't know we were just walking along and Bubba just falls over.

The operator asks "Is he dead?" and the redneck says "I don't know that either".

The operator says "well you need to make sure!"

The redneck says okay and lays the phone down.

A few seconds pass and then the operator hears "cha click, boom!"

The redneck comes back on the line and asks "Now What?"

One day, an Eskimo was riding his snowmobile to work and noticed that it was running poorly. He stopped at the repair shop to have them look at it.

The repairman said, "We're kind of busy right now, but why don't you go across the street to the cafe and have something to eat, then stop back and see me in a few hours."

So the Eskimo went to the cafe and returned to the repair shop two hours later. The Eskimo asked the repairman, "What did you find?"

The repairman said, "I think that you blew a seal."

The Eskimo replied (after wiping his mouth), "No, I just had ice cream!"

The Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

'Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,' he stated.

'Why yes,' she replied, 'every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.'

The pastor replied, 'That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?'

The elderly woman answered, '$10,000 a week.'

The pastor was amazed. 'Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?'

'He is a veterinarian,' she answered.

'That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,' the pastor said. 'Where does he practice?'

The woman answered proudly, 'In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.'

A physically fit guy is sittin' in a sauna when a GREAT BIG fat guy walks in and sits down next to him.
Fit guy "Man dude, You are REALLY fat"
Fat guy "Yea...and?"
Fit guy "Well, when is the last time you saw your dick?"
Fat guy "I duno...been a long time"
Fit guy "Well why don't you diet?"
Fat guy "Why? What color is it now?"

two cowboys are riding there horses down the open range and happen to see a small wooden fence out in the middle of the range with a sheep's head stuck in the fence. so one of the cowboys drops his pants and starts screwin that sheep so hard. screaming, hitting that sheep from behind, just dirty some dirty shit to that sheep. after finishing with the sheep he pulls his pants up and looks at the other cowboy and says you want some of that. other cowboy says hell ya and drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence as well.

OK Bangs. This one you can use anywhere. Unlike the Jeff posts and the others:

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar. The woman asks: "What do you do for a living?"

The man says: "I'm an airline pilot"

The woman says: "That must be exciting!"

The man says: "Not if you do it right"

Quote:

Originally posted by hydrahead

OK Bangs. This one you can use anywhere. Unlike the Jeff posts and the others:

A man and a woman are sitting at the bar. The woman asks: "What do you do for a living?"

The man says: "I'm an airline pilot"

The woman says: "That must be exciting!"

The man says: "Not if you do it right"

Haha, thanks.