Bathroom wall humour

I know we had this thread not to long ago but a friend of mine just got back from San Francisco and had a good line that he read on a bathroom wall while he was there. It said: 'No matter how hot she is - some other guy is sick of her shit'

nice one

best i can remember: "watch out for the flying white mices!" written on a youth hostel bathroom

This has to be an all time great, "There is nothing so over rated as a bad F...K, and nothing so under rated as a good shit"

I have more from my collection of "Cottage Poets and Bog House Bores" by O.P SED.
Let me know and I will dig out my copy.

some great down to earth philosophy can be found on bathroom walls but let's be careful not get too offensive here. we are here for fun, not to insult.

"Here I sit, all broken hearted, tried to sh-t, but only farted"

Some come here to sit and think..
I come here to shit and stink.
LB

They have just shifted us from 4 x 9 hr shifts to 5 x 8 hr shifts. Some witful bastard posted this on our toilet wall...

These 8 hour shifts 5 days a week suck...
Thank fuck they don't make us do anything.
LB

175 Funny Bumper Stickers...
***********************************************

1. Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
2. Half of the people in the world are below average.
3. Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
4. Justice: A decision in your favour.
5. Kill them all! ... Let God sort them out.
6. Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
7. My message above. Your response here ____________.
8. Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "u" and "me".
9. Life in a vacuum sucks.
10. Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
11. Pi R squared. Nooo! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
12. So many lawyers, so few bullets.
13. So many pedestrians, so little time.
14. Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
15. Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (yep/Nope)
16. Stay Alert. Stay Awake. Stay Alive.
17. Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
18. Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
19. The rich get richer; the poor get babies.
20. The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
21. This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
22. This score just in: OS/2, Windows 95.
23. Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
24. Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
25. Was today really Necessary?
26. Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray
27. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pitbull.
28. Who is "they" anyway?
29. Why are you looking down here? The joke is above!
30. RUNTIME ERROR 6D at 417A: 32CF: Incompetent user
31. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
32. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish.
33. You can't have everything...where would you put it?
34. hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
35. Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
36. If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
37. Sex is like a bridge game: If you don't have a good partner, you better
have a good hand.
38. "Calm down. It's only ones and zeros."
39. If Clinton is the answer it must been a stupid question.
40. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
41. I may be fat, but your ugly - I can lose weight!
42. Assassins do it from behind!
43. Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!
44. Old musicians don't die... they just decompose.
45. God may have made man first, but there is always a rough draft before a
final copy.
46. The only difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the taste.
47. I did a drot of lugs in college, I hink I thave dain bramage.
48. To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
49. Lottery: A tax on people who don't understand statistics.
50. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
51. A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
52. Marriage is not a word: it is a sentence.
53. Im not as think as you drunk i am.
54. I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar.
55. Eat shit! A million trillion flies can't be wrong.
56. You show the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist.
57. (001) Logic Error CLINTON.SYS: Truth table missing
58. Born an ass hole (The rest grew later)
59. Jesus is coming, look busy
60. Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
61. To Err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.
62. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
63. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
64. Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
65. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
66. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
67. Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression
68. The name is Baud... James Baud.
69. BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
70. E Pluribus Modem
71. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
72. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
73. ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
74. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
75. "Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes!"
76. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
77. (D)inner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
78. Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
79. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
80. Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
81. VENI, VIDI, VISA - I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED
82. Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:
83. Jesus Saves -- passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!
84. Jesus Saves! Moses Invests!
85. To err is human; To moo is bovine.
86. Due to the outbreak of aids, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss
the boss's ass.
87. Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing
Section in a pool!
88. Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
89. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
90. REHAB is for quitters.
91. Death to all fanatics!
92. It's all fun and games, 'till someone loses an eye! Then it's a *SPORT*
93. Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind.
94. Computers can never replace human stupidity
95. Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)
96. You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed
97. You're only young once; you can be immature forever
98. On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
99. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
100. I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
101. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
102. Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
103. ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth --- reboot universe? (Y/N)
104. He who laughs last thinks slowest!
105. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
106. I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming
and terrified, like his passengers.
107. When there's a will, I want to be in it.
108. "Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was
H20 was H2SO4."
109. "Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw..."
110. "I tried to think but nothing happened!" - Curly
111. "Suicide Hotline...please hold."
112. "To err is human, to forgive....$5.00"
113. Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all
doubt.
114. "I am logged in, therefore I am."
115. (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
116. .(A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened...
117. Bugs come in through open Windows.
118. A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it.
119. A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
120. A pessimist is never disappointed.
121. All life's answers are on TV. - Bart Simpson
122. All work and no play, will make you a manager.
123. Alone: In bad company.
124. Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
125. The truth is out there? Anyone know the URL?
126. Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
127. As I said before, I never repeat myself.
128. BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.
129. Barium: what you do with dead chemists.
130. Black holes really suck...
131. Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
132. Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be
disappointed.
133. Brain dysfunction detected...
134. Brain over - Insert coin
135. Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
136. Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
137. COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
138. Chess players mate better.
139. Computer Lie #1: You'll never use all that disk space.
140. Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
141. Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
142. Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
143. Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
144. Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
145. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
146. FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue...
147. Facts are stubborn things.
148. Feel lucky???? Update your software!
149. Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
150. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!
151. H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
152. I am built for comfort, not speed!
153. I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
154. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
155. I had a life once... now I have a computer and a modem.
156. I think, therefore I am. I think.
157. I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS.
158. I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
159. I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
160. .I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing.
161. I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
162. If I save the whales, where do I keep them?
163. If I save time, when do I get it back ?
164. If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
165. My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
166. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
167. If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
168. If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
169. If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
170. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
171. If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
172. In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death
173. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
174. It said "Insert disk #3", but only two will fit!
175. It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession!

CK

Bumper Stickers, for real...

Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT
Save Your Breath ... You'll need it to blow up your date!
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes
Hang up and drive.
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
Boldly going nowhere
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
The proctologist called, they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Just because your head is pointed, doesn't mean you're sharp.
Why am I the only person on earth who knows how to drive?
Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me".
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you.
CAUTION - Driver legally blonde

CK

1. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
2. Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
3. God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
4. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
5. I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
6. Keep honking while I reload.
7. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
8. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
9. 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other 2, an amusement park.
10. EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
11. Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
12. Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
13. Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
14. Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
15. Just say NO! to sex with pro-lifers.
16. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
17. Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
18. Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
19. If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
20. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

CK

5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Support Cannibalism - EAT ME!
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.

CK

"No, mister Budweiser, I haven't had any officers tonight."
186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Air pollution is a mist-demeaner.
All generalizations are false.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
Anything free is worth what you pay for it
Atheism is a nonprophet organization!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.....
Boycott shampoo!!! Demand REAL poo!
CAUTION: vehicle sometimes moves sideways.
COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
Clones are people two.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
Editing is a rewording activity.
Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Eschew obfuscation.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
Gene Police: YOU!! Out of the pool!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs!
Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
I am only horny on the days that end in y.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not sure.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Jesus saves, passes to Moses; shoots, SCORES!
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at Math.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Montana -- At least the cows are sane!
My Reality Check bounced.
My reality check just bounced.
Next time wave all of your fingers.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting idea that someone, somewhere may be happy.
REMEMBER: 155MPH Saves Lives!!!
Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art.
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Save the Whales. Collect the whole set!
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill.
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
Spotted Owls: Taste like chicken
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.
Time is the best teacher ; unfortunately it kills all students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

CK

15. Are the noises in my head bothering you?
14. Virus scanner: "Windows" found. Remove? (Y)
13. Blessed are the cross-eyed, for they will see God twice.
12. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with your fist!
11. I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
10. Winning isn't everything, it's also important to humiliate your opponent
9. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
8. Security is a game but the final goal is never reached.
7. The way to get things done is not to care who gets the honour.
6. If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure. (Dan Quayle)
5. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy. (Dave Partridge)
4. "Sir, I seem to be stuck." (Data) "Well, get unstuck." (Picard)
3. Stop, in the name of all which doesn't suck! (Butt-Head)
2. Straight is something crooked that was bent. (Marten Toonder)
1. What works, is. (Jamie McQuinn)

CK

1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
3. Money can't buy happiness... But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. If you have 3 friends
who are OK, then you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
8. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
10. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average
man can see better than he can think.
11. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
12. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left
them to where you can't find them.
13. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed

Ck

Sayings that should be on buttons or bumper stickers....
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
4. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
5. Do I look like a freaking people person?
6. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
7. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
11. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
12. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
13. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
14. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
15. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
16. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
17. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
18. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
19. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
20. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
21. And just how may I screw you over today?
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
23. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
24. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
25. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
26. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
27. Allow me to introduce my selves.
28. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
29. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
30. Better living through denial.
31. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
32. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
33. Adult child of alien invaders.
34. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
35. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
36. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
37. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
38. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
41. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
42. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
43. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
44. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
45. Adults are just kids who owe money.
46. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
47. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
48. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
49. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
50. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
51. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
52. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
53. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
54. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
55. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
56. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
57. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
58. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
59. Earth is full. Go home.
60. Is it time for your medication or mine?
61. I plead contemporary insanity.
62. And which dwarf are you?
63. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
64. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
65. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
66. Meandering to a different drummer.
67. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
68. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

CK

I'm on a roll here

CK

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
(A)bort,(R)etry,(I)nfluence with large hammer
(A)bort,(R)etry,(P)retend this never happened.....
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience does not prevent sin, it only prevents you from enjoying it.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A day without sun shine is like....night.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS - I married with their King.
ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
All generalizations are false
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All life's answers are on TV - Bart Simpson
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Always glad to share my ignorance - I've got plenty.
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a man to face cancer.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Assassins do it from behind.
At least Jennifer got kissed
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse--it'll be a great trade!
Auntie Em; Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog--- Dorothy
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding.
BUFFERS =20 FILES=15 2ND down, 4TH quarter, 5 YARDS to go !
Back Up My Hard Drive? I Can't Find The Reverse Switch!
Bad cop, no donut
Bad girls wanted
Barium: What you do with dead chemists.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
Beauty is in the eye of the BEER holder.
Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100 % compression
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Beware of dragons, for we are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
Bill Clinton is going to be Hillary's Cigarette Bitch In Prison.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Black holes really suck....
Blessed are the censors, for they shall inhibit the Earth.
Blessed are the pessimists, for they make backups!
Blessed is the end-user who expects nothing, for ye shall not be disappointed
Blondes may tease, but redheads please.
Born again pagan.
Born an ass hole (THE REST GREW LATER)
Born free... taxed to death.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
Brain dysfunction detected....
Brain over -- Insert coin
Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Budget....A method for going broke methodically.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
CAUTION: I drive like you do.
COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.
Calm Down. Its only ones and zeros.
Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\>
Cats... the other white meat.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Chess players mate better.
Cigar Smokers Appreciate A Great Butt
Computer Lie # 1: You'll never use all that disk space.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Computers can never replace human stupidity.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime??
DON'T STEAL! - The government hates competition
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk??
Dear God... Protect me from your followers.
Death to all fanatics!
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Dinner not ready: (A)bort (R)etry (P)izza.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock.
Diplomacy....the art of letting someone have your way.
Do not disturb. ALREADY DISTURBED!!
Do you think you could drive better if you stuck that phone UP YOUR ASS?
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
Dog and wife missing. Reward for Dog.
Don't be sexist; broads hate that!
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
Don't blame me I didn't vote for Hillary
Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up!
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't drive faster than your angel can fly
Don't follow me or you'll end up at my place...
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
Don't laugh - it could be your daughter in here.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Due to the outbreak of AIDS, employees will no longer be permitted to kiss the boss' ass.
Dyslexics of the World: 'Untie!'
E PLURBUS MODEM
EARTH FIRST! - Then we log the other planets!!
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.
Eat Lamb. 50,000 Coyotes can't be wrong
Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself.
Enter any 11 - digit prime number to continue....
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everbody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film!
Everything I need to know about women I learned from my cat
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: Press F13 to continue....
FRIENDS HELP YOU MOVE - Good friends help you move bodies
Facts are stubborn things.
Feel lucky???? Update your software!
Few women admit their age... fewer men act it
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
For a small town... this one sure has a lot of assholes.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For people who like peace & quiet: a phoneless cord.
Forget about World Peace... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons
Friends don't let friends drive naked.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
From a chicken in every pot to a chicken smokin' pot
Get In, Sit Down, Shut Up & Hang On
Get Off My Ass, Or I Will Flick A Booger On Your Windshield
Give Pizza Chants
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
God created men and rested... God created women and no-ones rested since!
God may have made man first, but there is always a rough draft before a final copy.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
God, Guts, & Guns Made America Great.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
Gravity doesn't exist. Earth sucks.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional!!!
Guests who kill talk show hosts--On the last Geraldo.
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
H lp! S m b dy st ll th v wl s fr m my k yb rd!
Half of the people in the world are below average.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hang up and drive!
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Harder than your husband!!
Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last has the best lawyer
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Help nature, don't breathe.
Help! My Reality Check Bounced!
Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw...
Hold a hard drive to your ear -- listen to the C:
Hold the Liberals liable
Horn broken, watch for finger.
House guarded by SHOTGUN 3 nights a week. You guess which 3.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How can my checking account be overdrawn? I still have checks!
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I am built for comfort, not for speed!
I am logged in, therefore I am.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be fixed with the right amount of C4!
I brake just for the hell of it!
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
I did a drot of lugs in college, I hink I thave dain bramage.
I did alot of drugs in the 50's now I do them at room temperature.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't care who you are, FATSO. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I don't care, I don't have to.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere!
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I failed my urine-test.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
I got some diving equipment for my wife... It was the best trade I ever made.
I had a life once...now I have a computer & a modem.
I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I let my mind wander and it didn't come back.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles
I love Jesus. It's his fan club that makes me nervous.
I love animals... they're delicious.
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
I love cats... dead ones
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
I may be going slow, but I am ahead of you!
I need someone really bad... Are you really bad?
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I smile because I do not know what is going on.
I souport publik edekashun.
I still miss my Ex, but my aim is getting better!
I support the three basic food groups.. KEG - BOTTLE - CAN
I think, therefore I am DANGEROUS.
I think, therefore I am. I think.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
I tried to think but nothing happened! - CURLY
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling, terrified like the passengers in his car ...
I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm going Nucking Futs!!
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm not a tourist, I live here.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am
I'm not cheap, but I am on special
I'm not deaf, I just like to block your way.
I'm the guy your parents warned you about
I've got plenty of lead in my pencil... but none in my tank.
I've got to sit down and work out where I stand.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
IF, a two-letter word for FUTILITY.
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question!
If Hillary was President Airforce One would be a BroomStick.
If I can't fish in heaven....I'm not going
If I go any faster I'll burn out my Hamsters
If I save the whales, where do I keep them??
If I save time, when do I get it back??
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
If a thing goes without saying, LET IT.....
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta testing.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If in doubt, make it sound convincing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyways.
If it works, tear it apart and find out why!
If it's got tits or wheels it's trouble
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If this van is rockin' don't bother knockin'
If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If you can read this, I've lost my trailer!
If you can read this, back off!
If you don't have time to do it right, what makes you think you've got time to do it twice?
If you don't like the news, go out and make some
If you don't like the way I drive, Get off the sidewalk!
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done??
If you voted for Clinton YOU must have inhaled
If you voted for change, better start counting it
If you want to hang your ass out of the window, please make sure it's clean first
If you're going to ride my ass, you might as well pull my hair
If you're not confused, you're not paying attention.
Illiterate? Write for help today!
Impeach Hillary
In Love With Your Wife!
In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death.
In my next life I'm going to have more memory installed
Individualists - Unite!
Inhale to the chief
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
It said "Insert disk # 3" , but only two will fit!
It's all fun and games, 'till someone loses an eye! Then it's a *SPORT*
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not just a hobby, it's an obsession!
It's not just winning the game---its drinking the beer
It's not whether you win or lose. What counts is whether I win or lose.
JESUS IS COMING - and boy, is He pissed!
JESUS LOVES YOU - but everybody else thinks you're an asshole
JUSTICE: A decision in your favour.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
Jesus Saves -- passes to Moses, shoots, SCORES!
Jesus Saves! Moses Invests!
Jesus Saves. Get a broker too!
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.
Jesus is coming! Quick, look busy!
Jesus loves, but he doesn't know you
Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
Join D.A.M.M. - Drunks Against MADD Mothers
Join F.A.R.T.s - Fathers Against Radical Teenagers
Join M.A.D. - Mothers Against Dyslexia
Just because I live in a house doesn't mean I'll clean it!
Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
Just what part of "NO" didn't you understand...?
Keep America free; support the trade embargo against Cuba
Keep Honking... I'm reloading as fast as I can!
Keep our privates straight
Kill them all!... Let God sort them out.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Lead me not into temptaion, I can find it myself
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Learn the 3 R's: Reject the Religious Right
Life in a vacuum sucks.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality.
Life is too short for cheap cigars!
Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
Little Miss Nitpick
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love is blind, marriage is the eye-opener.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
MAKE LOVE NOT WAR - see driver for details
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make the World a better place, kill yourself.
Marriage is not a word: its a SENTENCE.
Master Baiters catch more fish
Me You Dinner Motel
Mean people rule!
Mean people suck... Nice people swallow...
Meat is yummy!
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
My Karma ran over my Dogma.
My disgust with the current administration cannot be summarized here.
My kid beat up your honor student.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
My other car is a piece of crap too!
My other car is also a Mercedes.
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
Never assume. It makes an "ass" out of "U" and "ME".
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist!
Never play leapfrog with a Unicorn
Never run after buses or women: you'll always get left behind.
Never trust anything that bleeds for five days & doesn't die.
Never try to teach a pig to sing, You waste your time and only annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups
Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig enjoys it.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No radio - Already stolen.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nuke The Gay Whales for Jesus!
Nurses call all the SHOTS
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Old musicians don't die...they just decompose.
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
On a tombstone: " I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK "
On the other hand....you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Orgasm Donor
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
P.E.T.A. - People Eating Tasty Animals
P.E.T.A. - People for the Ethical Termination of Antihunters
P.E.T.A. - People who Enjoy Tasting Animals
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
People say I have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk I fall down. No problem!
Pi R squared. NOOO! Pie R round, cornbread R square!
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Please God, Answer my prayers... Please Steal this car.
Politics: Poli (many) - tics (blood sucking parasites)
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Reagan -- the great communicator, Clinton -- the great fabricator
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Rehab is for Quitters.
Ronald Reagan is A Lesbian!
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, And so am I.
Save a mouse... Eat pussy!
Save the whales--- Harpoon a Fat Chick
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Sex is like a bridge game. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Shin....A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Shotgun in rack is loaded.
Shut up, Get in and Hang On!
Shut up, Get out and Start Pushing!
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson - The original point and click interface.
Smoke dope, dodge the draft, Cheat on your wife, become President, It's the new American way.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
So many idiots, so few comets...
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
So many recipes, so few cats.
So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!
Socialism is the equal distribution of poverty.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
Someone found dynamite in the dictionary.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
Sorry I got lost in thought. It was unfamilar territory.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Southern DOS: Y'all Reckon? ( yep/Nope)
Speed on! Hell ain't half full...
Spotted owls taste just like chicken.
Stay Alert. Stay Awake. Stay Alive.
Stop illitrissy now!
Stupid people shouldn't breed.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Suicide Hotline....Please hold.
Suicide is the most sincere form of self criticism.
Support mental health or I'll kill you.
Support your local Search & Rescue.... GET LOST
Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
Tardis Express: When It Absolutely, Positively Has To Get There Before You Send It.
Tell me to " STUFF IT " - I'm a taxidermist
Thank you, Lord, for giving me this rewarding job with such charmin co-workers.
The Ho Chi Minh Trail led to the White House
The Lord giveth and Clinton taketh away
The Religious Right is neither
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The best man for the job is a woman
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The more I know about women....the more I like my truck
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
The older I get, the better I was
The only real difference between an oral and rectal thermometer is the taste.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The rich get richer; The poor get babies.
The secret of the universe is @*&eerm^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shop called yesterday, your brain is ready
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The truth is out there. Anyone know the URL?
The young know the rules, the old know the exceptions.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
This is just a hobby. Perfection is not required. Fun is.
This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.
This score just in: OS/2, Windows 95.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
To Err is human, to forgive is simply not our policy.
To Err is human, to forgive......$ 5.00
To Err is human; To MOO is Bovine.
To all you virgins... Thanks for nothing.
To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To hell with the Baptists, I'm going to DisneyWorld!
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Tow-ERs will be violated
Trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again!
Troopers are your yeast infection.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Unless you're a hemorrhoid, get off my ass
VENI, VIDI, VISA - I CAME, I SAW, I SHOPPED
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes!
Virgin Conversion, Mobile Unit...
Virgin exterminator - Please enter
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
Wanted: A Meaningful one night relationship
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Was today really necessary?
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Welcome to WYOMING. Frankly, we don't give a damn how you did it back home.
Welcome to the Church of the Holy Cabbage. Lettuce pray.
What Part of http:/ www.kissmyass.com Don't you understand??
What has four legs and an arm?? A happy pitbull.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
When you're not looking, this is written in Spanish
Who is "they" anyway??
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Witches are crafty people
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Workaholics Anonymous---- THANK GOD IT'S MONDAY
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
You can't be first, but you could be next
You can't have everything...where would you put it?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You show the sensitivity of a Medieval Dentist.
You will get what's coming to you....Unless they mailed it.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
Your only young once; you can be immature forever.
Your tits look like they're made of cardboard. Are they real?
Your ugly and your mama dresses you funny
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?

CK

sorry about that hope you enjoyed it though

CK

p.s. I got more if you want?

when in trouble or in doubt. run in circles, wave and shout.

Whoops, Sorry twistedsister did not realise what I re-started. But us boys will be boys.