Anybody have some good jokes?

Or ...

Three guys are sitting in an airport bar talking. One is from Ireland, one is from the U.S.A. and one is from Scotland. They are all bragging about the bars in their home countries.
The American says - 'Back home, you buy three beers and the bartender will give you one free and the girls upstairs are only $50.'
The Scotish guy says - 'That's nothing. Back home you buy one beer and the bartender will give you one free and the girls upstairs are only $20.'
The Irish guy laughs and says - 'Sorry guys but the best bar in the world is back home in Ireland. There is this one place where you can drink all night for free and then when you are really drunk they take you upstairs and you get laid for free.'
The other two look impressed and ask where this bar is Ireland.
The Irish guy says - 'Well I have never been there myself, but my sister says it is great ...'

DVS thats the best so far

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter
and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills... The man guesses
there must be thousands of dollars in it! He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's up with the jar?"

"Well... you pay ten dollars... and IF you pass 3 tests...you get
all the money!!!"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! What are the three tests?"

"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules."

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar...

"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...

FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper
tequila...the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face
while doing it...

SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore
tooth...You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...

THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached
orgasm during intercourse... You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."

The man is stunned... "I know I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an
IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper
tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your MONEY stays where it
is..."

The man has a few drinks... then a few more... Finally...he asks,

"WHERRRRE'S ZAAAAT TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big
slurp...Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face...

Next... he staggers out back where the pit bull is
chained-up...The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE
going on outside...They hear the pit bull barking... the guy
screaming...the pit bull yelping ... and then ....

SILENCE ...

Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back
into the bar ... with his shirt ripped... and large, bloody scratches all over
his body...

"NOW!......" he says...

"WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH

. Heard this one before, in a different way, but still as funny as hell

This woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on.
"Oh, that," he says, "that`s just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings."
The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her position when the screaming starts again. This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before.
She calls St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now.
"Oh, that," he says, "they`re just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo."
The woman decides that she wants out and tells St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell.
"Are you sure you want to go there?" he says.
"It`s a terrible place, you`ll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!"
"That`s okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that!"

Man, you guys are some sick puppies. Keep the jokes coming.

So a guy is sitting on a plane and says to the guy next to him, " I just had the most embarrasing thing happen to me. I went up to this hot ticket agent with huge tits and instead of asking for 'one ticket to pittsburg' I said 'one ticket to tittsburg'. it was horrible"
the guy next to him says, "That's nothing. I was eating breakfast with my wife this morning before I left for the airport. I meant to say "Would you pass the sugar?", but all that came out was "You fucking bitch, you ruined my life!"

heres some sage advice


Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. "Sorry I'm a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore."
9. "Show me how you used to spank her."
8. "Please come inside? Wow, you sound just like your daughter."
7. "Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?"
6. "I just got my license today."
5. "I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature."
4. "Five bucks says she's a D-cup."
3. "Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?"
2. "Hi. I'm Robert, but my friends call me 'Back Door Bob.'"
1. "So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

here is a wrong one, but funny

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave ddddildosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?"

The clerk responds, "Yes we do".

"Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee howwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"

kids ask the darnedest things


A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March."

talk about doing it to death.


Jon was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thing at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know that she was darn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times having sex, she was screaming for more. After the eighth time, Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out, he stopped into the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped his pants, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find "it."

After a couple of minutes fishing around, he finally said, "Look, it's okay. She's not here!"

why religon is bad

A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads: SISTERS OF MERCYHOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.

Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.

His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.

He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please, knock on this door" and leaves. The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He places the money in this nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."

A little geek humor:

Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes, walks over to the sink to wash his hands.
He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says, "At Microsoft, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turns and says, "At Intel not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Sun, we don`t piss on our hands.

International call

A blonde went into a world wide message centre (PCO) to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $30, she exclaimed: "I don`t have any money. But I`d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect), "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper".
She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out ...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and, while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said........ Hello? Ma? Can you hear me?"

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a
purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank
because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always
right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's
office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to
deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied,
"$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had
been able to save so much money. The elderly woman
replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"

The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your
testicles are square."

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the
president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"

"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my
testicles are not square."

"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money
involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock
tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."

"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet
and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his
testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again until he was positive that no one could
consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there
was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman
arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and
acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the
president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one
made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to
drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the
president. "Given the amount of money involved, you
should be 100% sure."

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the
president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against
the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that
and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that
around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the
balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Why did Marilyn Manson cross the road?





His dick was stuck inside the chicken's ass.

What's the difference between a bonus and a boner?




Your wife is sure to blow your bonus.

What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?




Fingerpaint

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?




Nothing. You've already told the BITCH twice.

How do you fix a woman's watch?




You shouldn't have to...there's usually a clock above the stove.