The rules of life (sad but true)

The female always makes THE RULES.

The RULES are subject to change without prior notice.

No male can possibly know all THE RULES.

If the female suspects the male to know all THE RULES, she must immediately change some or all THE RULES.

The female is never wrong.

If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.

The male must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female.

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time,

The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset.

The male is expected to mind-read at all times

The MAN who doesn't abide by THE RULES can't take the heat, lacks backbone, is a wimp.

Any attempt by the male to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.

If the female has PMT, all THE RULES may be null and void.

The female is ready when she is ready,

The male must be ready at all times.

I must be following the rules pretty damn good because I have been married for over 9 years now. And I add to the same woman for all 9 years.

sounds like it should be to me.

NO SEX TONIGHT

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could barely keep a straight face when I murmured to her: "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"

I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

^^^haaaaaaaaa, that's awesome!!!!!!

i laugh at your rules

simply because i didnt read them... nor ever will

Quote:

Originally posted by Tyrannous

simply because i didnt read them... nor ever will

And are you getting laid tonight?
.
.
.
.
.
Thought not.

Unfortunately...it is all true.

....and not the next night....and the night after that...and the night after that.....See a pattern forming here?

yes, yes i am.

@ padster: but are you gonna get laid, trying to remember all those rules you just read?

well maybe when mom comes home from work, and makes you dinner.

THE GUYS RULES

PAY SPECIAL ATTN. TO #1

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We! Always hear “the rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note... these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it
down

1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it that’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. In fact, all comments become
null and void after7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the
Victoria's Secret girls,
don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it,
just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and
Neither do we

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default
settings. Peach, for example,
is a fruit, not a color.
Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you
ware is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are
prepared to discuss such topics as, baseball, the shotgun
formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this, and, Yes, I know,
I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.

ANY MORE RULES OUT THERE

BDD -- The RULES.. are very true. I must admit. However, there are times when even the women over-look them.

GREG238 -- I laughed so damn hard on that first post, then laughed again while reading the second (The Guys' Rules). Very good.