Getting crushed by poorly-mounted plasma TV over your bed
Ceilings above beds are for mirrors. That way you can watch your boyfriend’s churning ass while he plows you like a field. Prop up the pillows if you’ve just got to watch “George Lopez”.
Old Age
Get out there and do something. How humiliating is it to have spent 70+ years on this planet and not have done anything exciting enough to kill you.
Getting your picture taken with a tiger
Why?! Seriously, what is the fucking point? Unless you killed it with your bare hands, why? You want a photo of you with a tiger so bad, I have Photoshop- call me. I'll put you in a picture with two tigers and Gary Busey riding a fucking unicorn—whatever you want. I can even airbrush out your deep-set eyes and drool, retard.
Getting decapitated by a plane propeller during a fight with Indiana Jones.
Come to think of it, everybody who tangled with Indy ended up “dying stupid”. Bald propeller guy, the fancy sword guy, the melted-faced Nazis, Dr. Rene Belloq the “evil” archeologist…
Like Bear Bryant
Winning the Liberty Bowl, retiring, and dying three fucking weeks later. The shortest retirement on record.
Re-enacting a stunt from “Jackass”
I don't care what anyone says, and I am probably going to hell for it, but the video of the kid trying to jump the car like he saw on "Jackass" is fucking hysterical. Now, before you judge me, the truth is I don't particularly enjoy watching people get injured. I don't own any Faces of Death videos, and I get a little queasy when I see people getting hurt on shows like "You've Gotta See This!". But seeing that idiot kid cartwheel through the air after getting hit by the car, followed immediately by the people behind the camera gasping as if this was some totally unforeseeable turn of events, gives me fits of laughter.
Like Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction
Bottom line- it’s embarrassing to die on the toilet, but getting shot with your own gun is added shame.
As a Suicide Bomber
Thinking you'll get props from Allah after driving your exploding car into a mall, only to learn the horrible truth that you'll be forced to choose between being boiled in molten lead for all of eternity or watching Short Circuit 2 five times.
Laughing yourself to death while watching “Mind of Mencia”
This show is number two on the list of "comedy" shows with the least number of laughs—worsted only by "The Tonight Show". I'm not sure what it is about being a Latino comic that means you can tell ten-year old jokes and still manage to get a television show. Yeah Carlos, we know. You see the Rolling Stones, and it you think, "doing lots of drugs makes you live longer!" Hilarious! Where do you come up with this stuff.
Like Goose in Top Gun
There are only 40 worse ways to go out than snapping your neck while ejecting during a training exercise so Tom Cruise can overact his way through the last forty minutes of a movie.
Emulating the highway scene from The Program
First of all, you should be embarrassed that you watched The Program. Second, the thought that that movie would inspire you to do anything other than hunt down, and then brutally murder Craig Sheffer, is completely mind-boggling. Whoever runs you over should back up over your body, just in case natural selection needs a helping hand.
Getting sodomized by a horse
This actually happened. Recently. I am not kidding. And here I thought that when people said they love "horse cock" that it was just a figure of speech. That guy must have felt so stupid the moment his rectum tore...
Drowning in a teaspoon of water
"A baby can drown in a teaspoon of water." I am certain you have heard this little bit of home-spun wisdom countless times. But can you imagine being that baby? A teaspoon of water!? How embarrassing. That's such a small of amount of water. Just roll over, stupid baby.
Bleeding out following an adult circumcision
Just let that foreskin flap, homie. You can always tell chicks to “look at what you’ve got under the hood”.
While exiting the wreckage of a plane crash you survived
Like the guy who got sucked into the engine in the first episode of “Lost”. If you go like this, you know it wasn’t meant to be.
Drowning during your Born-Again baptism
Boy, going to all the trouble of alienating all your old friends for Jesus is hard enough, but not even having the opportunity to enjoy years of self-righteous condescension is just a kick in the balls.
Accidentally self-inflicted gunshot
Marion "Suge" Knight almost succumbed to this fate just a few weeks ago, and for him that would have been especially scandalous, considering his affected-gangsta rep.
Severing your penis trying to open a can of tuna fish
After stinking up the entire break room with the reek of that nasty-ass cat food, maybe you deserve this fate.
Like Vic Morrow
Getting your head cut off by a helicopter while acting in a shitty movie. Actually, three people died. Two of them were six-year old siblings. But hey- we all learned a lesson about racism, didn’t we?
Getting eaten by a shark
If you’ve been eaten by a shark and you’re anyone other than a survivor of a shipwreck a la the USS Indianapolis… where was your fucking head? As far as preventable deaths go, this is right at the top. It’s not like sharks go wading ashore to attack sun-burned white people at the beach. Human beings were not put on this Earth for the purpose of swimming around in the Gulf of Mexico within range of primordial beasts with giant teeth. They’re there. We’re here. Why not keep it like that?
Chaffing yourself to death with one-ply toilet paper
There certain products in which price should not be an object. Shit tickets are one of them. The USSR crumbled for a lack of two-ply, you know.
Slipping on a banana peel
Who are you? Magilla Gorilla? Who dies because of slipping on a banana peel? You dumbass. Was it an Acme Banana Peel? Did Wile E. Coyote put it there? Elmer Fudd? Did a piano fall on you afterwards?
Fishing
I'm not talking about those guys who fish for sword fish in the middle of the ice-cold ocean. Those guys are born-again hard (to quote Gunnery Sergeant Hartman). I am talking about recreational fishing. I read a story about a guy in Europe a few years ago who had hooked some big ole fish while sitting on the beach somewhere. He refused to let the beast go and it dragged him out into knee-deep water. His last words before being pulled under and drowned by an animal without arms, legs, any discernable weapons, and a big hook in it's mouth: "I got 'em now!" The fish was never found. How humiliating.
From Athelete's Foot
Does athlete’s foot really make your foot burst into flames like in the commercials?
Failing to seek medical attention after four-hour erection
And why are you taking Viagra anyway? With all the unattainable pussy in the world, the day a man stops getting erections ought to be a day for celebration.
Like William Rehnquist
Telling your friend that she should go ahead and retire because you can make it through the next year, then dying anyway. Whoops.
Fat
It becomes even more embarrassing when your survivors have to shell out an extra couple of grand for a special, double-wide casket.
Being killed by your kids
It says something about your parenting skills when one, or both, of your offspring takes an Easton to your skull. And yes, it’s your fault if it happens.
Being crushed in your multi-million dollar house in a mudslide
You’re not the impoverished victims of Katrina. You’re just some rich ass-wipe who built a house in a stupid place. I don't want to see your fucking sad face on TV asking for help if you happen to survive either. Buy a house on solid ground, you fucking megalomaniac.
Snorting Gold Bond that you thought was cocaine
At least Len Bias and Don Rogers were killed by some “good shit”. You got killed by some stuff your grandma buys at Dollar General and rubs on her chaffed thighs.
Like Cheng...or was it Eng?
Dying of fear because your Siamese twin brother just died and you're attached to his corpse . Jee-sus. This would really, really, really, really, really suck. Oh, and it's okay to call them Siamese, because Cheg and Eng were Siamese, you over-sensitive bitches.
Ceilings above beds are for mirrors. That way you can watch your boyfriend’s churning ass while he plows you like a field. Prop up the pillows if you’ve just got to watch “George Lopez”.
Old Age
Get out there and do something. How humiliating is it to have spent 70+ years on this planet and not have done anything exciting enough to kill you.
Getting your picture taken with a tiger
Why?! Seriously, what is the fucking point? Unless you killed it with your bare hands, why? You want a photo of you with a tiger so bad, I have Photoshop- call me. I'll put you in a picture with two tigers and Gary Busey riding a fucking unicorn—whatever you want. I can even airbrush out your deep-set eyes and drool, retard.
Getting decapitated by a plane propeller during a fight with Indiana Jones.
Come to think of it, everybody who tangled with Indy ended up “dying stupid”. Bald propeller guy, the fancy sword guy, the melted-faced Nazis, Dr. Rene Belloq the “evil” archeologist…
Like Bear Bryant
Winning the Liberty Bowl, retiring, and dying three fucking weeks later. The shortest retirement on record.
Re-enacting a stunt from “Jackass”
I don't care what anyone says, and I am probably going to hell for it, but the video of the kid trying to jump the car like he saw on "Jackass" is fucking hysterical. Now, before you judge me, the truth is I don't particularly enjoy watching people get injured. I don't own any Faces of Death videos, and I get a little queasy when I see people getting hurt on shows like "You've Gotta See This!". But seeing that idiot kid cartwheel through the air after getting hit by the car, followed immediately by the people behind the camera gasping as if this was some totally unforeseeable turn of events, gives me fits of laughter.
Like Vincent Vega from Pulp Fiction
Bottom line- it’s embarrassing to die on the toilet, but getting shot with your own gun is added shame.
As a Suicide Bomber
Thinking you'll get props from Allah after driving your exploding car into a mall, only to learn the horrible truth that you'll be forced to choose between being boiled in molten lead for all of eternity or watching Short Circuit 2 five times.
Laughing yourself to death while watching “Mind of Mencia”
This show is number two on the list of "comedy" shows with the least number of laughs—worsted only by "The Tonight Show". I'm not sure what it is about being a Latino comic that means you can tell ten-year old jokes and still manage to get a television show. Yeah Carlos, we know. You see the Rolling Stones, and it you think, "doing lots of drugs makes you live longer!" Hilarious! Where do you come up with this stuff.
Like Goose in Top Gun
There are only 40 worse ways to go out than snapping your neck while ejecting during a training exercise so Tom Cruise can overact his way through the last forty minutes of a movie.
Emulating the highway scene from The Program
First of all, you should be embarrassed that you watched The Program. Second, the thought that that movie would inspire you to do anything other than hunt down, and then brutally murder Craig Sheffer, is completely mind-boggling. Whoever runs you over should back up over your body, just in case natural selection needs a helping hand.
Getting sodomized by a horse
This actually happened. Recently. I am not kidding. And here I thought that when people said they love "horse cock" that it was just a figure of speech. That guy must have felt so stupid the moment his rectum tore...
Drowning in a teaspoon of water
"A baby can drown in a teaspoon of water." I am certain you have heard this little bit of home-spun wisdom countless times. But can you imagine being that baby? A teaspoon of water!? How embarrassing. That's such a small of amount of water. Just roll over, stupid baby.
Bleeding out following an adult circumcision
Just let that foreskin flap, homie. You can always tell chicks to “look at what you’ve got under the hood”.
While exiting the wreckage of a plane crash you survived
Like the guy who got sucked into the engine in the first episode of “Lost”. If you go like this, you know it wasn’t meant to be.
Drowning during your Born-Again baptism
Boy, going to all the trouble of alienating all your old friends for Jesus is hard enough, but not even having the opportunity to enjoy years of self-righteous condescension is just a kick in the balls.
Accidentally self-inflicted gunshot
Marion "Suge" Knight almost succumbed to this fate just a few weeks ago, and for him that would have been especially scandalous, considering his affected-gangsta rep.
Severing your penis trying to open a can of tuna fish
After stinking up the entire break room with the reek of that nasty-ass cat food, maybe you deserve this fate.
Like Vic Morrow
Getting your head cut off by a helicopter while acting in a shitty movie. Actually, three people died. Two of them were six-year old siblings. But hey- we all learned a lesson about racism, didn’t we?
Getting eaten by a shark
If you’ve been eaten by a shark and you’re anyone other than a survivor of a shipwreck a la the USS Indianapolis… where was your fucking head? As far as preventable deaths go, this is right at the top. It’s not like sharks go wading ashore to attack sun-burned white people at the beach. Human beings were not put on this Earth for the purpose of swimming around in the Gulf of Mexico within range of primordial beasts with giant teeth. They’re there. We’re here. Why not keep it like that?
Chaffing yourself to death with one-ply toilet paper
There certain products in which price should not be an object. Shit tickets are one of them. The USSR crumbled for a lack of two-ply, you know.
Slipping on a banana peel
Who are you? Magilla Gorilla? Who dies because of slipping on a banana peel? You dumbass. Was it an Acme Banana Peel? Did Wile E. Coyote put it there? Elmer Fudd? Did a piano fall on you afterwards?
Fishing
I'm not talking about those guys who fish for sword fish in the middle of the ice-cold ocean. Those guys are born-again hard (to quote Gunnery Sergeant Hartman). I am talking about recreational fishing. I read a story about a guy in Europe a few years ago who had hooked some big ole fish while sitting on the beach somewhere. He refused to let the beast go and it dragged him out into knee-deep water. His last words before being pulled under and drowned by an animal without arms, legs, any discernable weapons, and a big hook in it's mouth: "I got 'em now!" The fish was never found. How humiliating.
From Athelete's Foot
Does athlete’s foot really make your foot burst into flames like in the commercials?
Failing to seek medical attention after four-hour erection
And why are you taking Viagra anyway? With all the unattainable pussy in the world, the day a man stops getting erections ought to be a day for celebration.
Like William Rehnquist
Telling your friend that she should go ahead and retire because you can make it through the next year, then dying anyway. Whoops.
Fat
It becomes even more embarrassing when your survivors have to shell out an extra couple of grand for a special, double-wide casket.
Being killed by your kids
It says something about your parenting skills when one, or both, of your offspring takes an Easton to your skull. And yes, it’s your fault if it happens.
Being crushed in your multi-million dollar house in a mudslide
You’re not the impoverished victims of Katrina. You’re just some rich ass-wipe who built a house in a stupid place. I don't want to see your fucking sad face on TV asking for help if you happen to survive either. Buy a house on solid ground, you fucking megalomaniac.
Snorting Gold Bond that you thought was cocaine
At least Len Bias and Don Rogers were killed by some “good shit”. You got killed by some stuff your grandma buys at Dollar General and rubs on her chaffed thighs.
Like Cheng...or was it Eng?
Dying of fear because your Siamese twin brother just died and you're attached to his corpse . Jee-sus. This would really, really, really, really, really suck. Oh, and it's okay to call them Siamese, because Cheg and Eng were Siamese, you over-sensitive bitches.
* This post has been modified
: 18 years ago
