some jokes

CHECK-UP
An old man is having his medical checkup Then the doctor asked the old man, "Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." After examining his wife, an elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh, yes," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually around July and the second time is usually in December."

COKE BOTTLE
Q: What do you call a Coke bottle full of bees?
A: A redneck vibrator.

LEANING OVER
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems fine, but after awhile she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems fine, but after awhile she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

PANTS
A man approaches a woman and says, "I'd really like to get into your pants." The woman replies, "No thanks, there's an ass in there already."

PUNISHMENT
One day mom was cleaning Junior's room, and in the closet she found an S&M magazine. This was very upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?" Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

LOST WIVES
Two guys are in a supermarket when their carts collide. Bob says, "I'm sorry, I was looking for my wife." "What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate," says Joe. "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" asks Bob. Joe replies, "She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm breasts and a magnificent backside. What does your wife look like?" "Never mind," says Bob, "let's look for yours!"

PLAYING DOCTOR
The seven-year-old told her mother that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor. "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?" "Nothing," said the little girl, "he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

THE EX
Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

DING
Three boys were sitting on a fence, talking. One says, "If you could have your body covered in anything, what would it be?" One boy answers, "Silver!" "Well, why?" "I could peel it off and buy that Honda over there," says the boy. The other boy answers, "Gold! I could peel it off and buy the BMW sitting over there." After a few seconds, one of the boys ask the first boy, "Well, what about you?" The first boy finally said, "Hair." The other two boys were confused. "Hair? Why hair?" "Well," the first boy answered, "My sister has a tiny little patch of hair, and she owns both of those cars!"

TWO OLD FRIENDS
Two old friends bumped into each other in a restaurant. One asked, "Are you still seeing that girl Helen?" "Nah," said the other, "she bled to death from gonorrhea." The first guy said, "You don't bleed to death from gonorrhea." His friend replied, "You do if you give it to me."

BRAZEN HARLOTS
A minister was seated next to a marine on a flight. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The marine asked for a whiskey and soda, which the flight attendant brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely groped by brazen harlots than let liquor touch my lips." The marine then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice."

MOST WANTED
"It was just a simple misunderstanding, your honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."

LOSING INTEREST
Q: How does a man know when his wife is losing interest?
A: When her favorite sexual position is "next door."

BLACK
A man is lying in a hospital bed with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse enters his room to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know Mr. Jones, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The head nurse walks by and sees the man getting a little distraught, so she marches over to find out what's wrong. "Nurse," he mumbles, "are my testicles black?" The head nurse whips back the sheets, pulls down the man's pajamas, moves his penis out of the way, has a good look, pulls up the pajamas and says, "There's nothing wrong with them." Frustrated at this, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and asks again, "I said, are my test results back?"

INSTITUTIONALIZED
Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.

a maintenance guy went to an asylum to check all the lights in the cells and if needed replace them. he went into the first cell and saw a man swinging an imaginary golfclub. Ehh what are you doing asked the maintenance guy. Well said the crazy man, I am Tiger Woods and if I hit a hole in one, I am out of here. THen the maintenance guy goes to the next cell, where he sees a crazy man swinging an imaginary baseballbat. Ehh what are you doing if I may ask. Well says the crazy man I am Babe Ruth and if I hit a homerunn, I am out of here. THen he goes into the third cell and sees a man liying on his bed, buttnaked with an erection and tries to balance a peanut on it. THe maintenance guy scratches his head and says, ehhh what are you doing, well says the crazy man, I am fucking nuts and I guess I am staying.....

ah, too many words for you guys?

Not too many for me powerflux, heard some of them before, but all still funny, nonetheless.

powerflux that was hilarious i couldnt stop laughing at the old man having hot sweaty sex and cold chilly sex with his wife roflmfao.

Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.
The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The Genie said,
"Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth. I'm a one-wish genie.
So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the
Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with
each other and I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and
vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable -
these countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of
shape after being in a bottle for 500 years; I'm good, but
not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and
please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never
been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun,
likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is great in bed and
gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is
faithful. That's what I wish for .. a good man."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said, "Let
me see that map again."

LOUISIANA GHOST STORY

This happened about a month ago just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain and fog. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy scared to near death had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin' it in the fog 'n rain ."

NEVER ARGUE WITH A CHILD


A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though
it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that
a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
____________________


A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she
got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
____________________


A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
____________________


One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
____________________


The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."
____________________


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
____________________


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching. "

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

The New Pet

This guy was lonely and he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, (100-legged bug,) which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. He asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and started shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK WITH ME?!"



(Scroll down!!!!!)





































YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.



































> A little voice came out of the box -

> "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes."

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee”.

"The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The! next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee.

"The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto. We're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"?

Me in training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for rest of the day."

Subject: THE "STELLA AWARDS"


Yes, time again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards.

The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds for having ... well ... hot coffee. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most uniquely successful lawsuits in the United States during the past year.

The following are this year's candidates:

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

****

A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr.Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

****

Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

****

Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

****

A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of
Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke
her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had
thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

****
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a
night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window
to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.
Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid
paying the $3.50 cover charge.
She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

****
This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.
Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.
On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at
70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup
of coffee. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual
that he couldn't actually do this.
The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company
actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were
any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.
Five of the six have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have all been taken into custody.
Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the 6th member, Bin Workin, at your office.
Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are obviously not a suspect at this time...

SANTA CLAUS
AN ENGINEER'S PERSPECTIVE

I/ There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in
the world, however since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for
Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the
population reference bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5
children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming
that there is at least one good child in each.

II/ Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the
different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he
travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7
visits per second. This is to say, that for every Christian household
with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to park the
sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute
the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been
left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on
to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is
evenly distributed around the earth (which of course, we know to be
false, but will accept for the purpose of our calculations). We are
talking about 1.25 Km per household, a total of 120.8 million Km, not
counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving
at 1040 Km per second........3,000 times the speed of sound. For
purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses
space probe, moves at a poky 43.8 Km per second, and a conventional
reindeer can run (at best) 25 Km per hour.

III/ The pay load of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium Lego set (two
pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting
Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than
300 pounds, even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten
times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine
of them......Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the
payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons,
or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship,
not the monarch).

IV/ 600,000 tons traveling at 1040 Km per second creates enormous air
resistance....this would heat up the lead reindeer in the same fashion
as a space shuttle re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair
of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second
each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously,
exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms
in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26
thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the
fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as
a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 1040 k p s in .001
seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 G's. A 250
pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back
of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his
bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

V/ Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its
intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach,
California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down
the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it
worked.

*******************************************************
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a
meat cutting machine and, after a little hopping
around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The
company, suspecting negligence, sent out
one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried
the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was
approved.

*******************************************************
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space
for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with
his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.
*******************************************************
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a
Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental
patients he was supposed to be transporting from
Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit
his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop
and offered everyone waiting there a free
ride.



He then delivered the passengers to the mental
hospital, telling the staff that the patients were
very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

Damn I like that one...

******************************************************
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday
recovering from serious head wounds received from an
oncoming train.
When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told
police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was
hit.

*******************************************************
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him
to give her an examination to determine the cause of
her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the
doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is
pregnant."



The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the
doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would
never compromise her reputation by having sex with a
boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the
horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed,
"Quit looking out the window! Aren't you
paying attention to me?"

"Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just
that the last time this happened, a star appeared in
the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping
that they would show up again."

Subject: 25 signs that you've grown up

1. Your potted plants are alive, and you can't smoke any one of them.

2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'

10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. (PS. Younger relatives don't feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.)

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

17. Dinner and a movie: the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3:00 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drugstore for vitamins, ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'

21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to." replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again!"

23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking for at least one sign that does not apply! to you!

It was the first day of school in Alamo, Ca. and a new student named
Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the eighth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."

She said. "Very good!

Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not
perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said
Suzuki.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.

Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you
do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke.

"The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,

"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."

Suzuki frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra
Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted and as the class gathered around the teacher on the
floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're fucked" and Suzuki said, "The
Taliban 2001".

Dear Hudson Middle School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Hudson Assisted
Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone
now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless
you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95
and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would
never let me listen to hers, even when she was out of the room.
The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke in a lot
of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked me if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Life is good.

Sincerely,
Edna

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY-IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
10. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
11. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
12. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
13. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN-STORAGE FACILITY
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY-CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICULAR REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY- CHALLENGED