Post'em if you got'em
A middle aged woman spends $5000 for a face lift and feels pretty good about herself. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," was the reply.
"I'm exactly 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
She replies, "I guess maybe... about 29?"
The woman replies, "Nope, I'm 47."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say... 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm sorry, I'm 78 and my eyesight is not so good. Although..., when I was young, there was a sure fire way to tell how old a lady was. It may sound a little forward, but it requires me put my hands under your bra. I could then tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of her.
She finally blurts out, "Oh what the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and inside her bra and begins to feel around very slowly, very carefully. He Lifts one breast then the other and holds each and touches and caresses each breast...
After a couple of minutes, she said, "Okay, okay,... that's enough, how old am I ?"
He completes one last squeeze and removes his hands, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,... how did you know?"
He replied, "I was in line behind you at McDonald's."
An Aussie, a Yank and a Canadian were telling tall tales.
The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."
The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."
The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big," and he stretched his hands as wide as they'd go.
"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.
"They stretch," said the Canadian.
Free haircuts
A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the
haircut, but the barber refused,
saying, "you do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen
bibles at the door to his shop.
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused
to pay, saying, "you protect the public."
The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused
payment, saying, "you serve the justice system."
The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free
haircut.
http://www.whatboyswant.com/images/smilies/icon32.gif
Okay, so there is a Canadian, an American, a hot blond and a fat old lady in a train-car. They go into a tunnel and the cabin becomes pitch black. A loud slap is heard, and when the train passes through, the american is holding his jaw. The Hot blond thinks 'that filthy american tried to grab me in the dark, but he grabbed the old lady instead and she smoked him.' The old Lady thinks 'that awful american grabbed that blond when we were in the tunnel and she slapped him, good for her.' The American thinks 'That son of a bitch Canadian grabbed that blond and she thought it was me and she hit me.' The Canadian thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel to come so I can punch that dumb Yank again.
