Deep Thoughts...by Jack Handey

A few of my favorites...

#377: There used to be a house on our block that we thought was haunted, because you'd hear people screaming inside and because people who went in never came out. Later on we found out it was just a murderer's house.

#460: I remember the first time I ever went to the museum and saw the mummy. At first I was afraid of it. So, to get over my fear, I started pointing at the mummy and doing a funny little dance. But then I couldn't stop doing the dance. Something made me dance faster and faster until finally I fell on the floor. Even then I couldn't stop doing the dance. I flailed about helplessly, yelling some weird Egyptian words! Then I think I passed out, from hitting my head on the marble floor. Now, I'm happy to say, I'm no longer afraid of the mummy, mainly because I don't go there anymore.

#406: I think the things you remember most are the little things, like that little space guy I kept tied up down in the basement. That little guy was only about five inches tall! He used to beg me to untie his rope, but I knew he'd just run away if I did. I think the cat finally got him, but the cat had little burn marks on him, from where the space guy shot him with his little gun, before his ammo ran out. I remember things like that.

Post yours

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Whoa, what´s he on?

Hehe, almost forgot him. The rest of the week, I'm gonna only use Jack Handy quotes.

"We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town."

Heh heh

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll
make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them."

the crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.