Here are the 10 basic rules :
10) Don’t set zombies on fire. Burning zombies smell terrible.
We’re not sure why you see it in every zombie movie, but it stands to reason that the only thing worse than a zombie is a flaming zombie. Remember, it can take a long time for a zombie to burn to death - more than ten minutes, in some recorded cases. Do you really want a burning zombie lighting you and your friends on fire? Play it safe - chances are good that there won’t be any fire-fighting infrastructure during a zombie outbreak if things get out of hand.
9) Don’t get sentimental. Zombies won’t.
Sure, it’s your house. Sure, they were your family and friends. But now it’s a zombie nest, and they’re zombies. Stick around, and your best chance is to become zombie food - worst case, you’ll end up a zombie like the rest. Zombies don’t have any feelings - neither should you.
8) Don’t forget to shut the door behind you. Zombies often come over without calling first.
Were you born in a barn? Zombies might not be the brightest, but they know an open door when they see one. Keep your suburban zombie fortress secure by remembering to close and lock the door behind you. And don’t slam it either! Zombies hate that.
7) Don’t keep zombies in the basement. Even if they are your zombie family.
Devotion to family and friends is touching. However, you don’t want them to be touching you, after they’re dead. Do yourself a favor and make sure you put zombie friends and family down properly. Remember, there is no zombie cure, and keeping them around only prolongs their suffering and increases the risk for everyone. Besides, do you really want to get eaten by your buddies?
6) Don’t try to reunite with friends / family over long distances.
Seems like a great idea, doesn’t it? That’s what everyone thinks. Look, do the math. If you leave your house at noon, heading toward your mum’s, traveling 3 km per hour, and a crowd of zombies leaves the general vicinity of your mum’s at the same time, heading toward you at 1 km per hour, what time will you get eaten by zombies? Skip the math and consult rule #9.
5) Don’t go down. Zombies can go down too.
Zombies can’t climb. You can. In light of this, why would you ever choose to go down, rather than up? Stay out of basements, gullies, sewers, and anyplace else that zombies might unwittingly wander / fall into and be unable to get out of. Remember, it’s unlikely that a human would be in a sewer, but zombies don’t care a whit about the smell.
4) Don’t broadcast your presence. Zombies may be listening.
Zombies that still retain their ears have been statistically shown to have above-average recognition of bassline frequencies. If you absolutely must blast music while killing zombies, do it on your Ipod, and you might want to consider delaying that block party until after the zombie outbreak blows over. During a zombie outbreak, remember to turn your cell phone to vibrate - it’s only polite.
3) Don’t stand in front of the window. That’s just foolish.
You’d think this one didn’t require stating, but apparently it does. Windows are an aesthetic defense against the environment, not protection against zombies and the living dead. Once you find your fortress, barricade the windows as quickly as possible and stay the hell away from them. Whatever you do, don’t deliver speeches with your back to them.
2) Don’t get too creative with zombie defense.
Sure, chainsaw slits in your van seemed like a good idea at the time, before you filled your car with fumes and exhaust, passed out at the wheel and got yourself sawed in half. The temptation to get very creative with zombie dispatching can seem almost unbearable at times, but when it comes to killing zombies, that old adage applies: Keep it simple, stupid!
1) Don’t be “that one asshole,” in your group.
Textual analysis of zombie movies has proven that “that one asshole,” a character ubiquitous in zombie and survival horror movies, only stands a 4.32% chance of surviving until the end of the movie.
Later studies have challenged that figure, citing several movies in which “that one asshole” was one-upped by “the other, bigger asshole,” who then assumed “that one asshole” status.
Sound Advice from a Law Student:
1) Don't save anyone, don't even try.
2) The laws of man no longer apply. The Laws of the jungle is in full effect. That means you should screw over anyone you can.
3) Eat any kind of food you come into contact with. Food is hard to get in a zombie invasion.
4) Guns are worth a lot. Bullets are worth more than anything. If you meet a kind soul that has a lot of spare bullets, shoot him and take the bullets.
5) Find a two story building and block off the staircase. Then find a way to sleep on the roof. This isn't a good long term survival method, but it will buy you some time. Take water onto the roof. Shoot any zombies that look like smokers. You don't want that jerk burning your house down...or forcing his second hand smoke on you.
6) If traveling with a group, kill the crazy guy in your group. I think most zombie movies have made the reason for this quite clear.
7) If traveling with a group, and someone is injured, kill them without hesitation. If anyone in your group objects, kill them too. If you do this, you are now the crazy guy in the group, watch out for rule 6.
8) The military is not your friend. "Join the army, see the world, save people from zombies" is not their motto.
9) Zombies don't care if its night or day. Limit your excursions to daytime. In fact, don't have any excursions. This is a zombie attack, not a visit to Disneyland, you dumbass.
10) If you are well supplied and safe, for Godsakes, don't leave your current position. Anyone that saw the new Dawn of the Dead movie surely must have realized that that entire group got itself killed using nothing but their own combined stupidity.
11) Boats are a losing strategy.
12) My Dad used to always say to me: "Remember aLs, in case of a zombie invasion, you never have to reload a machete." It's true.
13) Having a zombie escape plan not only saves time, it saves lives. Ask yourself this, do you know where you're supposed to meet family and friends when the undead scourge comes? You are living on the edge my friend.
14) Wear lots of leather. Wear anything that is hard to bite through. Don't wear so much that you can't run. Girls: Skimpy clothing is a stupid idea. Your best bet is tight leather. Yeah. Tight leather. Wear that.
15) Stop shooting zombies in the torso, you jerk. Ammo doesn't grow on trees.
16) Put your cellphone on vibrate. One ring at the wrong moment can spell disaster. Also, if it rings while we're having dinner or I'm talking to you, and you answer it, I am going to invoke rule 2 and push you off the side of the building.
17) That scary looking dog is not your friend. Do not pet him.
18) If you are covered in zombie blood, take a shower. If someone were to cut you, and that blood got into the wound, you'd be infected. If you're infected, then watch out for rule 7. Hopefully someone will avenge you with rule 6.
19) You will be encouraged to go to some kind of emergency shelter. This is the most suicidal suggestion you will hear all day. If everyone jumps off a bridge, are you going to do that too? You're a freaking tool if you say yes.
20) There will be some people in your group that insist that their voodoo priest grandfather used to say, "When hell is full, the dead will walk the Earth." Let me tell you, I knew that voodoo priest too, and he also used to say "I eat 3 tubs of mayo every week." So take it with a grain of salt.
21) If one of the people in your group is a pilot or doctor, protect them at all costs. If you are a pilot or doctor, you will most certainly be killed by the zombie horde. They tend to kill the most useful people in the group. Absolutely, under no circumstances, should you teach the pregnant girl how to fly the helicopter. You were really asking for it when you did that, moron.
22) If you light a zombie on fire, you give it another way to kill you. Now it's a shambling fireball. What was going through your head when you lit the thing on fire? It's almost like you want to die.
23) Dead zombies may have useful things in their pockets. Search them. Stealing from the dead is not tacky, it's profitable.
24) Don't be an attorney. Remember what happened to the attorney in Jurassic Park? I know that isn't a zombie movie, but I feel that it can be applied across the board.
25) Lie to the rest of your group and tell them you know where a secret underground base is where there's lots of food and water. That way, if you end up in a scary situation, your group will sacrifice many of its number to save you.
26) If rule 25 comes into play, steal your group's stuff and strike it out on your own. They are gonna be so pissed when they realize they fell for the old "I know where a secret base is" bullshit.
27) Keep an eye on the head scientist. I think he's up to something.
28) Think of this whole thing as a vacation. Try to keep your morale up. The attacks will continue until morale improves.
29) Stop blaming God. This wasn't his bad. Blame the Dutch. This is all on them.
30) Contrary to public opinion, zombies make horrible slaves.
